Grateful and Thankful!

I feel soooo good!!!

I got into grad school today. I went to lunch, came back and there it was....an email from George Washington University congratulating me!

My story is an interesting one. I actually don't deserve to go to grad school. I made some really poor choices in undergrad. Although I did graduate I should have had a MUCH higher GPA. But I prayed over this situation so it was no longer impossible.

Somehow God saw fit to give me another chance. Words cannot express just how grateful I am.

That's really all I had to say. I'm just thankful.

Yes we did!!!!

I have cried maybe 20X between last night and this morning. I'm at my desk and I cannot work, I cannot focus on anything but the fact that my boss is Barack Obama.

My grey matter cannot absorb what it means. It's simply too much to understand right now. This means so much to so many people for so many reasons.

I voted with Martin Luther King in my head. He's dead. He has no idea what has happened; that he was victorious. Barack's mom doesn't know that her baby boy is the President. His grandmother knew it was coming but she too has no idea what it felt like to see him stand behind that podium last night. What a reunion in heaven that will be! I wanna see his mom's face when she hears the news.

My heart has been focused on black men for so long. My soul bleeds for them. Slavery soooo ruined their focus and pride. Thank you Barack for being so excellent that our men can see themselves in you. I can look at my little cousins and tell them that 'you can be President one day if you want to!' You don't have to rap or play ball. You can read and learn and exude eloquence and consistent temperment. Your dreams are no longer limited and your destiny has no barriers.

Black men, please see your worth! Stop spreading your seed aimessly and build homes and repair families. Prove yourselves worthy of the regal blood that runs through your veins. You have always been more than your sexual prowess and physical strength. Now be more!

(please hold, cry break...........................................................................................)

I am alive today! I got to see this. I can sit in a rocking chair one day and tell my kids and grandkids that I saw this and felt this and played a part in it.

This is such a spiritual day....more than a political day. People prayed and fasted. People DIED! The movement that started it all was born of Pastors in southern churches. God is so great and being a believer means more than going to church and paying tithes. Barack's character reflects one of a higher moral standard and I strive to emulate such. I am so proud. God must be pleased.

I'm inlove with the future! 'Hold fast to dreams....." (means so much more now)

Powerful Hope

I went to bed early last night. Woke up at 6am but couldn't move my limbs to get out of the bed. Did not arrive at my local polling station until 7:45am. :(

But :) !

I had a good time. John F. Kennedy HS had a line that wrapped around the side of the building. The main parking lot was full. Wasn't exceptionally cold. I stopped at Starbucks for some hot chocolate beforehand.

I made a few friends during the wait. The man in front of me described the Obama/Biden rally in Manassas, VA the prior night. He stood for four hours to hear Obama speak. From 11am-8pm tonight he is devoted to getting out the vote in VA.

Two people ahead of me was a very pregnant woman in pink flip flops and tights. She stood for the entire two hours and did not complain once. She cast her vote with the biggest smile.

Countless elderly and disabled citizens voted early this morning. I'm sure they had memories of the 60s and 70s......how could they NOT vote?!

Finally we entered the building and a picture of JFK was at the door. Suddenly I felt sentimental about what was going on this morning. We turned a corner and a black and white photo of MLK on the Mall after he delivered his Speech was on the wall. I read the entire speech while I waited. I looked around and everyone else in line near me was reading it too. Sobering moment....

I know we didn't vote for Barack because he's black. I was just sooo happy that I was able to vote for a black man that IS the BEST candidate to be President. The fact that I saw his name at the very top of my ballot.....AMAZING. And behind it all is the suffering of African Americans decades ago. We all know that lives were lost fighting for this ability to vote....but really think about it. How serious that is! I cannot think of a single public figure in my lifetime that I've been so proud of.

There are dozens of election parties I could attend tonight but I'm going to stay home. I want to watch this in the privacy of my room. Either way I'm gonna shed some tears. And it's not for Obama himself but for all those who are asleep in their graves who's dream he represents.

Hope is so powerful.

Me again

I'm bizack! (at least that's what I'm saying today)

Very interesting couple of months in my life. I had a little wild streak that left me really unsatisfied with life. I'm back to my normal self and it feels GREAT. Life can be peaceful even if you are busy. Just focus on what is important.

I have some not so good coping mechanisms. Stress can sometimes get the best of me. I found myself in bed by 7pm last Friday and I didn't even go to church this past Sabbath. I just wanted to mope around.

The most difficult thing has been distancing myself my triggers (things and people). I can feel secluded at times but is that really bad? Spending more and more time in your own thoughts and in your own company can be empowering. If you allow your self inquiry to penetrate deeply you can learn some things that seem best suited for fiction.

I remember praying for company. It wasn't because I didn't have friends...I just didn't feel I had people in my life that I could share my journey with. Slowly that is changing under the most unexpected circumstances. God always works like that in my life.

It's good to be back.

Mob mentality

I remember learning about the mob mentality in social studies I think back in middle school. The term mob mentality is interchangeable with 'herd behavior' or 'group mind'. lol. That sounds funny to me.

Please see below,
The bandwagon effect, also known as social proof or "cromo effect" and closely related to opportunism, is the observation that people often do and believe things because many other people do and believe the same things. The effect is often pejoratively called herding instinct, particularly when applied to adolescents. People tend to follow the crowd without examining the merits of a particular thing. The bandwagon effect is the reason for the bandwagon fallacy's success.

The bandwagon effect is well-documented in behavioral psychology and has many applications. The general rule is that conduct or beliefs spread among people, as fads clearly do, with "the probability of any individual adopting it increasing with the proportion who have already done so".^[1] As more people come to believe in something, others also "hop on the bandwagon" regardless of the underlying evidence.

My sister and I had a discussion about this relating to politics. I'm a Barack supporter but I agree with Ralph Nader on the whole Wall Street bailout. Everyone is so up in arms and panicking to do 'something' but no one seems to be taking a slightly slower, more intellectual approach to the issue. This feels like an economic 911; where King Bush II excites/frightens the country in order to gain support for improper legislation. Is no one else seeing this?!

I see this bandwagon behavior permeating even in adult social circles. Sad but true. The sad part is that, just as the definition above states, it is usually reserved for adolescents. That is why I often feel pulled back to HS days when the 'herd' tries involve me in self degrading mentality. Discernment should accompany age. Right?

It can even be applied to religious faith. Most people believe what they believe simply because everyone around them does as well. Perhaps it was passed through their family tradition. It's rare that people examine their spiritual beliefs and check to make sure there is actual truth in them. I was once guilty of this.

But there is freedom in breaking from the 'pack'. The greatest thinkers are usually the separatists; not easily lead by the interests of the majority. These individuals often examine the validity in assertions before releasing their support. This is a goal to reach for. INTELLECTUAL EXCELLENCE.

I am well on my way. Sometimes I get sucked in by the mob though. The temptation is often great. But I find my way back....to the more quiet side of independent thought.

Happiness is the plan

I told my buddy this afternoon that I miss my life. I miss how peaceful it used to be and how content I was. Simplicity is priceless. I got stressed out and went back to my old coping mechanisms and somehow I QUICKLY find myself at the bottom of a slippery slope.

I have somewhat of a mentor that told me 'Nicole, if you arent losing friends and making new ones then you arent changing.' I didnt like that when I heard it. I set out to ignore it and prove him wrong. No way would any of my friendships end. But it has happened and will continue to happen.

I'm on somewhat of a wacky journey. I made some spiritual decisions that I knew wouldnt be easy. The greatest things never come easily. I've been trying to break some horrible habits and patterns and I can be honest with myself and say that I've faultered quite a bit. But that's ok. I'm only human. It's just a part of my incredible journey; the lessons were well worth the detour.

My ultimate goal has always been happiness. Happiness for everyone. Even the people I dont like! We all only got this one life to live and what is the sense in being all angry and spiteful and upset. In the grand scheme of the universe, what we often consider 'important' rarely even deserves conversation.

I'll keep changing cause I'm enjoying the metamorphasis. Not many will understand but I know it is necessary. The aspirations I have for my lfe require constantly pushing for more and more. The blessings are in the disappointments.

The simpler my life, the happier.

Gotta remember..............happiness is the plan.

Foot massage please

I like foot massages. I think people really underestimate a good massage. My body has been aching and cracking for almost two weeks now. This happens when I am under stress. Work is stressing me; life is stressing me; I am stressing me!

This aint right and I know it. I'm taking baby steps to rid myself of alot of stressors but in the meantime I need a massage.

(This is not a solicitation ad)

I'm at work and my head hurts so I'm taking a blogging break and all I can think to say is how badly I'd like a foot massage and a lavender bath.

A cup of ginger tea with honey would set it off.

Company and companionship are so priceless. I want a human version of the completeness a dog often brings to a bachelor. Just a chill partner that'll crack my toes and watch Lifetime with me.

(Once again, this is not a solicitation ad)

But that's all.

Perfect example of my randomness.

.....I need my back cracked too.

Am I gone forever?

I haven't written anything in awhile. Alot has happened in the last few weeks.

To keep it short, I self-destructed. Instead of retracing steps I crumbled under some immense stress and just lost my way. Now I'm exhausted and farther away from happiness than I was before.

I'm having a chit chat online with my buddy and I realized that we sound like 40yr old divorced women! Tired. Drained. Dejected. Unenthusiastic. Done!

I remember when I was a 'good' girl. 'Good' really means naive. I had the purest of hopes and dreams. Life can take a black permanent marker over your plans. I can't even remember what they were!

I just wish I could find that girl again. She existed before the loser boyfriends, the disloyal friends, debt, torn family, sex.....

So much has happened since I was 17. If I could do it all again I might just live in a cave somewhere and chill. Anything to never have jaded myself so heavily.

Things like love, decent men and fairytales seem like a joke. That shouldn't be. The world isn't all bad but it seems like I've only come across the bad; over and over and over again.

Am I gone forever? Is the real me lost forever. I pray not. That would be such a shame. I used to be the sweetest thing on two legs. Now I'm far more aggressive than I want to be but survival forces those instincts to develop.

I'll still keep a look out for fairytales and decent men(lol, that is still a funny prospect).

Can't be hopeless. I can't be lost forever.

Retracing my steps....

I'm cutting back on the blogging. But not permenantly. I just need some 'me' time. Blogging sort of interferes with my train of thought. I might be working through something personal or studying something Biblical and my mind isn't set for blogging but I do it because it's a habit and I know people read it.

I have alot of things I want to study and investigate within myself so Nichova is stepping away for a little while. I might blog about random things I see here and there but no more blogging about me and my life for a lil bit.

I realized yesterday that getting re-baptized was just the first step in a very long journey. I heard that statement before but I finally get it. It gets harder when you actually stand up for something. Life is cool when you just accept everything and befriend everyone. I'm supposed to feel resistance when I do what is right. I felt it, and it was strong, and I think I slowly caved under the pressure. I've noticed that alot of my old life are creeping back into my present. I've strayed a little bit and that distance between me and God has grown.......I feel the emptiness and that hurts. Imagine that you spend time constantly with your best friend and then slowly you guys just don't chill as tough as you used to. That's how I feel right now.

I need to take a broom and clear things out of my life and my mind. De clutter my life a little bit so God has the room He needs to perform the miracles He always had in store for me. This will also give me the mental clarity to listen to His instruction and live the life that makes me happy. I'm not happy today.

Those who know God know what true peace and joy and happiness feel like. I'm sort of jealous because I used to know what those things felt like. When those feelings leave you feel quite empty.

Tired of feeling empty.

Empty Souls

There is a very interesting subset of human being lurking among us. These are the psychopaths.

I am very intrigued by these people. Mainly because I have had the horrible experience of personally knowing two and dealing with their insane behavior.

I've always been interested in the human mind. It is such an extraordinary computer. God is truly awesome! I worked at a Psych Hospital for a year and the range of disorders and diseases is staggering. But none are as special as the psychopath.

You see, a psychopath has NO mental dysfunction. In fact, this person is in perfect mental health. What they have instead is a personality disorder. (btw, who determines which personalities are normal?) A psychopath has no ability to feel. They cannot empathize or sympathize. They are purely driven by the desire to satisfy their personal need for something. This something might be sex, money, shelter, food, attention, other material possessions.....

Because they cannot feel genuine emotions for others, they also don't feel guilty when their actions hurt another. They don't understand the impact they have on another person's life. And telling them doesn't help. They have to manipulate the emotions of other people to get what they want. They are often subtle and almost ALWAYS have a higher IQ than the general population. To put it plainly, psychopaths prey on the emotions of others and the get better with time. You've got to be savvy to recognize one. Nichova is savvy!

That does not mean they are necessary bad people. I look at them more as robots that respond only to basic stimuli; their needs.

The only time they will display what seems to be a genuine emotion is when they are about to get caught in their deceit. As the truth begins to close in on them, the psychopath will often thrash about, lashing out as they try to regain control of the situation. This lashing out will usually get them caught even faster. The walls eventually crumble and they are exposed. But instead of being shamed into becoming a decent citizen, the psychopath will only relocate and try all over again.

Sounds stupid doesn't it. But that is what you do when you do not have emotions to help guide you through life. They cannot even learn from their own mistakes.

Nothing is sadder than a psychopath. Honestly. They are missing out on what makes life great. The first psychopath I dealt with has continued to attempt to deceive people to satisfy a selfish desire. The law got involved and this empty soul is now facing jail time.

The second is still out there. Terrorizing people because they cannot obtain the attention they so desperately desire. This one is more sophisticated but from what I've heard the end result is still the same. They end up having to relocate and try their manipulations elsewhere.

These two people have snatched me back to my original love of Psychology. I never liked Biochemistry. I only did it because I could and I thought I had to prove something. (silly reason)

I am a Cancer. I don't study Astrology but there is a rumor that we possess some subtle discerning and sometimes psychic abilities. lol . I don't think I'm a psychic but I do believe that I have the ability to pick up on someone's true character very quickly. This often pisses off psychopaths I come in contact with. This will sound weird, but their spirits always rub me the wrong way. I can see the emptiness in someone's eyes, the lack of a soul. No deception or manipulation in the world can cover those two things.

My method for dealing with psychopaths is to just leave them alone. I dont even speak to em unless I have no other choice. Honestly, I just don't become a part of their lives and I don't let them into mine. Problem is that over 4million psychopaths occupy the US alone! This means that EVERYONE has dealt with one at some point and probably didn't realize it. Take a second look at that wayward family member that lies about EVERYTHING. The manipulative coworker you cannot stand. Or even the guy you dated that seemed to be living a double life. Even that person you felt sorry for because it seemed like every week something bad happened to them. That person who's eyes gave you creeps for a split second.

Or, maybe you're the psychopath.....

Familiar Peace

I've been back for over a week and I haven't written a blog. Not because I cannot think of things to write. Actually it's quite the contrary..... I have soooo much in my head that it's getting clogged up in the bottleneck.

My birthday has passed. I am 26 now. I feel like frowning each time I say it. Feels like I'm running behind a clock and I cannot catch up!

Sorry...I went to my truck to take a nap and ended up sleeping in there for 1.5hrs :(

But yes, my head is clogged. I started writing in my journal a few nights ago and that is helping. My trip to my 'homeland of sorts' has really changed my perspective on so many things. Life. Love. Satisfaction. Men. God. Beauty. You name it and my ideas on the topic have changed.

Old people are very wise. I spent some time with an old man in Trinidad. 84 yrs old. Oxford graduate, lived all over the world, fought in wars......but returned 'home'. That man schooled me on the world in 45minutes. I was like a child listening to a bedtime story. He taught me about the sentiments of love. The limits to the human mind. And the importance of knowing your heritage. You name it and we covered it. I felt that he must have known I was coming and planned his lesson accordingly.

He told his great-granddaughter (my first cousin) 'It is by accident you are born in America, inside you are a Trinidadian'. Fair enough right? So inside I'm a Tobagonian and a St. Lucian.

There must be truth to this. I feel like a biracial child. In America I don't completely fit in. At home my family is living a culturally different life. I commend my grandparents for maintaining the integrity of the culture even though they moved here. When I'm in Tobago I speak 'funny' as they say. I understand everything and feel rejuvenated by the air but I'm still different. I was raised in a foreign land. No matter where I go I'm never 100%.

I'm visiting St. Lucia next. It's been 15yrs since I've been there. I cannot imagine what it will be like to return and see my family. People with the last name Dujon! It won't sound weird. Everyone knows how to pronounce it. But, ofcourse, I am not 100% I don't speak the native language.

After listening to this old wise man I left his home feeling like my chest would burst. I felt such a sense of identity and pride. I could see a purpose to my life. He knew of my ancestory as well. The Dujons and the Bairds. I just thought WOW. That same blood runs in me? Then what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get my purpose together? It was because I didn't know where I came from so I couldnt carve out a plan of where I am going.

My personality isn't weird. It's a heritage. My mindset isn't ignorant, it's just not American. And it shouldn't be, because I'm not.

I feel better. I've always known that here wasn't home, but now I know what home feels like.

Familiar Peace. Surrounded by......Water.

I'm back!!!/Rat Race

I'm back!!!!

I had a WONDERFUL time. Indescribable.

Tobago was ofcourse better than Trinidad. I saw my family I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 long years!!! I can't understand why I was away for so long. Seeing Tobago as an adult was so different from what I remember as a child.

I learned alot about alot. The lessons learned on my trip will be the topics of my blogs for quite some time.

I am at work right now and I am quite exhausted. I went out with my cousins Saturday night and went directly to the airport. I arrived in New York around 6pm. Then visited some family and drove to Maryland. I was at my front door at 3am. (I'm always doing the most....) Made it to work for 9am this morning.

As I sit here I just want to leave....book a flight and heads off. I don't know what is so great about this country. I don't see the point in any of it. Why the 9-5. Why the bills. Why the cubicle. Why the stress. Why the rat race?! It's sad because we don't even realize how much of life we aren't living. I'm not saying ditch everything and move but at least recognize how large the world is and how diverse we are.

I am seriously considering attending graduate school out of the country. My little cousin and my aunt are moving to Belgium next month. Extended family is sending their kids to finishing school in Nigeria. I am all for this. Get out there. See what the world really is. It is NOT the US.

I had the luxury of not traveling as a tourist because of my family. Someone once told me that all the islands they'd been to looked the same. Snorkeling, snuba, jet ski.....bla bla bla. lol. what a shame to miss out on the rich history of these countries because instead of learning people just look for the shore.

Next stop for me is St. Lucia. I'm waiting for my cousin or dad to come with me because I HATE language barriers. I imagine that my experience there will match my time in Tobago.

But really, beware of this life we've become accustomed to. The rat race will kill you slowly. Live life.

Finally got to the water :)

Bye!!!! I'm on vacation :)

Yes peoples. The ever stressed, ever busy, ever tired Nichova is on vacation!!!

My flight leaves July 4th around noon and I return on the 13th but I'll be in New York.

I'll have stories to share when I return.

The beautiful shores of Trinidad and Tobago await me.


Love.Peace.Happiness.Water.

Nichova

Hypocrite or Human?

Hova had an interesting morning. Tore my house up looking for my car keys. Finally after I decided to just take the bus I found them in my purse :(

I go out to my truck and yes, I left my sunroof COMPLETELY open and ofcourse it rained buckets last night so my car was damp. Most of the interior is leather so my seat was ok but I found a few puddles of water here and there. It was just annoying. (I've done this about 3-4x actually)

Today I want to discuss hypocrisy. I was watching The Mole last night and these two men were arguing. As soon as the Christian guy said something a lil ignant the other guy started calling him a hypocrite. Saying that his whole life was a contradiction. lol.

My question is why is it that Christians gotta be called a hypocrite all the time? Is it really hypocrisy or are we just humans prone to human mistakes? Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean you are perfect or can miraculously leave your past behind. EVERYBODY has their struggles and the bad habits that are hard to break. I, for example, have a TERRIBLE temper. I either have to walk away, or I'll end up punching someone or cussing them till my voice is gone. Does that mean I'm not a Christian? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It means I am a person just like I was before and I have an issue I need to work on.

When I see an alcoholic drinking a bottle of water I don't say they are not an alcoholic anymore cause they stopped drinking rum for a few days. They just had a slip up. They'll be back to their norm soon enough. They not a hypocrite are they?

And I was warned when I got baptized that my life would suddenly be under scrutiny. Isn't that just how people are? The same people with hell-a issues and nothing good to say. Happy and content as long as you doing wrong with them but as soon as you want to do better they waiting for you to mess up. Waiting to call you a hypocrite. Waiting to say 'you aint no real Christian' No encouragement. It's almost like jubilation is hidden under stoic exteriors because they think you are cracking and about to fail.

So let me put this out in the universe now and be done with it. Nichova might still cuss you if you piss her off over prolonged occasions. Nichova might also cut you completely out of her life and not think twice about you. Nichova might even let the elevator door close if she doesn't want to share. I might gossip on my job or even think some thoughts I shouldn't. Yes I will occasionally do things like this but it is NOT my way of life. I'm a person so I'll slip up. Slowly and surely these behaviors will no longer be a part of me. The process is far more involved than just accepting Jesus one day. It's work that takes time. You can't turn a moving truck on a dime.

The term hypocrite is to be reserved for people who put on a false appearance of virtue or religion. All my virtue is real as is my religion. In my religion there is an allowance for people like me who make mistakes. It says NOTHING about being perfect. I'm just living my life and when approached I don't shy from sharing my beliefs with others.

Don't like it, peace. Like it, I'm sure you love it.

Smallpox, Child Abuse, Wholesomeness

I'm irritated. Some bug bit my leg and it has left a gross bump. It's right about my ankle and it looks like I gots small pox. I take pride in my legs and this is horrifying to me.

So I went to DC for a few hours today to get my Passport renewed. It was a ZOO. I wish I had my camera so I could post the pics for all to see.

Screaming babies, body odor, ashy heels, cussin citizens...lol One guy said he was ashamed to be an American because they wouldn't issue him a passport (he forgot his birth certificate home by the way).

But I do wonder why state and federal offices have to act like they rule the world. They have NO respect for your time and don't care if they are ruining your plans. And not only that, the most ignant/unattractive people work there. It must be a requirement on the application (Ass Holes ONLY).

And it's like they happy to say 'I'm sorry ma'am but you won't be able to make your flight'. Cause they broke and can't afford to go no where but Six Flags. I felt bad for this one white lady. She was tryna get to Europe and they gave her some reason why she'd have to come back tomorrow and she FLIPPED OUT. Apparently she'd been waiting since 8:30AM (she didn't have an appt like Nichova :) The black chick behind the counter didn't so much as bat her eyes whilst this white lady was waving her arms about and yelling. lol. Sorry, you had to be there.

And then I almost snatched this Indian lady's lil son. He was screaming and she wouldn't stop him. And he wasn't a baby, he was about 2. That's old enough to get slapped in your throat. I started to time it. If they didn't call me to get my passport within 3 more minutes I was gonna have to tell the lady to 'Get a handle on your loud ass kid!' And I don't even curse no more but I think I'da done so today. I was imagining myself kicking this 2yr old in the face. He was SOOOO LOUD.

I'm not a child abuser.

And yesterday I went to my cousin's going away party. I had a good ole' time. And there was no drinking, or cussing, or sexual overtones. It was wholesome grown up fun. Felt nice. I didn't stick out like a sore thumb for once.

Random blog today....my apologies.

My sister is a turtle and I'm sooo proud!!!

OH MAN!!! I THINK I MIGHT CRY. My sister got into the school of her choice today.

Praise God!!!

I have watched her anxiety grow since she sent in that application. I was so worried for her that I started to prep her just in case she didn't get in. I was asking her about her alternative plans to reassure her that there would be success regardless.

But God is good and she is faithful.

I am very proud of my sister. The two of us are pretty much doing it all on our own and it's not easy. She's got a full time job and she's been a full time student. She had to become responsible for herself sooner than she should have but she didn't crumble under that pressure.

In this instance I feel like I can completely worry about myself now. I've been concerned about her being self sufficient and I didn't want to leave and go to grad school or something without her situation being secure. I know this burden was hers but I feel a weight off of me. So I guess I'm up to bat.

The world is wide open. The opportunities are endless and dreams are attainable. You just have to work hard even when no end is in site.

She's now a turtle. Does that trump a retriever?

Nichova Warrior Princess

Back to me being/feeling a lil older.

I went out with two of my buddies after work and realized something.....I am too old for drama as well. I've been single and dateless for a year and it has been the most peaceful year of my entire life! I haven't had the boyfriend/girlfriend drama that I'd become accustomed too. Relationship issues are just not cool and I am too old for it.

Nichova is a straight up chick these day. If I like someone I'll just tell them and see how they feel. I dont like rejection but I loathe the head games even more. Who has time for alla that?! We grown as hell!

Don't drop no hints and expect me to pick em up. I'ma notice and peace out. I get annoyed easily with the nonsense. I just feel like at this stage of my life I have been through or seen all there is to see about relationships. Its TOO MUCH. I have promised myself that no matter how nice the guy is and perfect he may seem, if he cannot be straight up and real with me then he needs to LEAVE ME ALONE. I'll just end up snatching his masculinity eventually if he keeps hanging around me.

I'm not Xena/Nichova Warrior Princess or nothing but I do think I am very smart and a strong personality. Not strong as in loud and pushy but strong as in secure and confident. I'm actually pretty quiet and chill and 'to myself' most of the time. It works to my advantage because I like to giggle to myself when people think they are outsmarting me. Men especially. Gotta just leave em alone and let them feel smart sometimes.

I just don't know how this is going to work out. People keeping asking me what I'm going to do once I put myself back on the market. I am very interested to see the type of man that is able to stick it out with me. I already know the type. It'll be the guy that pisses me off cause he calls me out on my *ish and I can't say anything back. I need to be put in my place and I know it. It's the one that says 'come here for a second' (with the head tilt thingy) and I take him seriously and actually go instead of rolling my neck and going the opposite way. Or how about a man that winks at me and I gotta bite my lip to keep myself together. THAT is what Nichova needs but of course is harder to find than the fountain of youth. REAL men.


Oh yes and I want someone spiritual like me. I'm not a big bible thumper. I'm more of a spiritual person. That's what I want to see. When I call he tells me hold on I was praying lemme call you back. Or he was READING A BOOK! WHAT?! Books are so sexy.

So in closing....
1. Nichova is too old for the drama
2. Nichova needs a strong man that can put her in her place
3. Nichova wants a spiritual book reading man
4. Nichova is inlove with Maxwell. I have watched the youtube of that man about 100X. (This wasn't in the blog but I thought I'd share)


Good Day!

The Unbreakable Bond

On my way to work I was listening to 96.3FM and Robin Thicke was on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. I think that man is so sexy btw. If I ever do date a white guy he's gotta be something like that. But he gave his opinion on the Strawberry Letter and I just thought he was profound. Basically he said 'If what you have today is better than what you didn't have yesterday, work on keeping it'. That helps me when I think about forgiving people and moving on. Yes the past is hurtful but if what you have in the present makes you happy you need to just work on moving on.

I think about my exes from time to time and now I can laugh (most of the time). I was PISSED with all of em at some point. When Nichova goes off it's really an ugly scene. I'm not proud to say that my last two relationships required police involvement to end them. All that 'extraness' is not me but I didn't have a choice. Looking back those relationships probably saved my life. The first was bad but I didn't listen so I had to go through the second to really stop my ridiculousness and get back on track. Now I look back at those two and thank them for the roll they've played in my life.

Every single guy I've dated, I've only had 4 real boyfriends in my entire life, has left an imprint on me. I've learned something. Either he turned out to be such a jerk that I know what NOT to look for or I've extracted the good qualities to know what to look for. Every one of them had something good or I wouldn't have been attracted to them. Usually it was humor and good looks.

One has left an undeniable impression on me. To this very day I can't explain why or even how. I think it's a spiritual thing. It's the WORST when you allow your spirit to get all entangled in another person's. When the relationship ends there is simply nothing you can do to break that bond. I am bonded to him for LIFE no matter what I do. I have finally realized this so I'm not fighting it any more. This can only happen to you once in life. Because of this bond I don't think I'll ever be able to repeat that with another person. There will always be 'something' that I haven't given because it lives with another. (I'm going to delete this blog before I find the man I'ma marry lol)

Today's blog is done. I wrote the pieces at different times of day so please overlook the disjointed feeling.

BTW. MAXWELL BABY I LOVE YOU!!!!

I hope everyone saw him on the BET Awards last night. If not http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1LjrMYeuJI
feast upon him in awe.

I'm a tiny fan of his.

Old Fogie Nichova?

Happy Tuesday! :)

I was off yesterday so I am very well rested. I had to go to traffic court.....I won of course.

Today I'm biting off my friend's inspirations (sorry TJ but I can't think of anything else to write about).

I'm feeling like a granny. Not really like an old fogie but I do see that I've aged. I'm not even 26 yet and I would prefer to play Bingo then go to a club. I enjoy Lifetime movies and hot cider. I would preferably be in bed by 10pm nightly. Rap and Club music give me a headache. I listen to 96.3FM and WTOP. My back is always aching. My knees crack occasionally. I find myself telling young people "You'll understand when you are my age". lol Veggies actually aren't so bad. And things are often TOO sweet. I never thought I'd see the day.

When Pastor is preaching I can actually relate. I be in there clapping and 'Amen-ing' and nodding. My life can actually be a lesson for young people. I gots stuff to share.

After my birthday next month I will start to deny my age.

When I picture a great vacation it consists of doing NOTHING. I want to lay on a beach and sleep, get a massage afterwards, sleep some more, snorkel or something, take a nap, go on a nice walk then..... you get the idea.

I don't think anything is wrong with me. I'm not boring. As a matter of fact I think alot about quitting my job and traveling when I've got the funds ready. Yesterday I was thinking about moving to another state just to get a change of scenery. I was thinking to apply to grad school across the country or something. I'm only gonna live once so why stick up in this place? The world is too big to be content in Montgomery County Maryland. I've been thinking about buying a house but I don't feel right putting down roots anywhere yet. I have no idea where I'll settle down. Might be in another country. I'm open to all kinds of things. Anybody feel me? Probably not.

A paradox lives in me. I feel like a granny sometimes but I'm not ready for children yet because I wanna live on my own dime for a little while longer. I wouldn't mind the companionship of a husband but I'd wanna live child free for a few years and explore together. I either feel old or really young; no in betweens with me.

I just want to be happy and experience a surprise here and there in life. I HATE routine. I can't deal with knowing EXACTLY how my week is going to play out. Even if something bad happens at least it wasn't expected. I want SOMETHING.....

Maybe I'm just a restless soul. Always searching and pushing and asking questions. Perhaps I should be an archaeologist like Indiana Jones. I want some great adventures too.

I Am Not My Hair

OMG!! Nichova is 100% Naptural! I am sitting at my desk right now fighting back tears.

So Tameka at the natural hair salon did perfectly. She cut off only the perm parts. She gave me the bomb deep condition and all that. I walked out of the salon feeling great. I smiled all the way home. I took pictures of my hair while I was driving home. I felt FREE.

This morning......

I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. I went in the shower and condition washed. Put in some moisturizer. Shook it around. It was cute! I put the scarf around the front. Got all dressed and began my new strut out the front door.

I opened the front door and the outside world hit me. I took one step onto the Welcome Mat and I burst into tears. OUT OF NOWHERE. I couldn't do it. I dropped everything and ran to my bathroom to tie my hair up in a scarf. :(

It seems I'm just not ready yet. I have NEVER had short hair. My entire life I've been able to at least have a pony tail. When I decided to go natural my permed hair was really nice. It had grown quite long and I was happy with it. I just had a nagging feeling inside that it wasn't me and I needed to break free from the chemicals.....so I just started avoiding my perms until one day there was a mini fro under there. Then came braids and now I'm 100% naptural.

It's been a little over a year. I guess I thought I should be ready but I'm not. I never realized how important my hair was to me. It's been a part of me for so long. I do wanna cry right now just thinking back on all my cute lil styles over the years. I could always count on my hair to be long and look cute....even if I'd gained weight or my outfit was a mess. Now I don't have my safety net. My security blanket is gone and I feel naked without it.

But....I'm Nichova so I'll be fine. I just need to get used to it. I need baby steps. All the way to work this morning I was telling myself that I'd just get braids for one more year and then I'd be fine. But what if I cry again in a year? This was like an anxiety attack. I was paralyzed.

Lol. I've always hated India Irie's song "I am not my hair"....I felt like she was only saying that cause hers wasn't cute. lol. I was ignant. I see her point. I should feel like me regardless of my hair. I certainly WAS my hair so now I understand that feeling that was in me nagging me to go natural. Freedom was that small voice......

And it makes sense. I've been morphing over the past year. I felt like I was the biggest paradox having a perm and being natural in almost all other ways. I've been making my own natural body products. I'm shopping organic. My final plan is to be vegetarian and not consume animal products. The perm just aint make no sense. This makes more sense. What's right often isn't what's comfortable or what's easiest.

I'm still pretty. I'm still happy. I'm still free. I'm still me. I just look a lil different......

Crazy Weekend.

So I'm gonna write this blog and get it outa the way before my work week gets outa hand once again...

CRAZY CRAZY weekend! My body is all sore.

Thursday - Up until almost 4AM taking my braids out. This was a four day job folks!

Friday - end of my workweek but just the beginning of the weekend madness. I was in Shoppers Food Warehouse until 8pm and I left with a cart load of drinks and things to make drinks. (I shall explain later) My upper body and lower back were throbbing by the end of this day.

Saturday - I was late to church because I simply couldn't get outa my bed. I missed the Children's Choir debut (that really upset me). I went to my friend's home for lunch. Went home to change and head right back to church again.

My mom organized a Gospel/Jazz cafe. I was responsible for all the drinks. And since I'm Nichova I went overboard. I only offered mixed drinks (absent the alcohol of course). They were great though! So great that I was thrown back into my restaurant serving days when over 100 guests ordered their mixed drinks AT THE SAME TIME!!!! :( OH MY GOSH!! I wanted to cry for a split second when the servers (some of the youth of the church) dropped off all their orders in a huge pile in front of me. I spilled club soda all down my shirt and crotch but an hour later I was done! Whew! I don't even remember how I did it. But I have impressed myself. Those who didn't come missed out...

BTW the concert/cafe was incredible. I was blessed even though I was in the back of the room losing my mind.

I didn't leave until after midnight because the church had to be cleaned and set up for the next day's events.

Sunday - I returned at 930AM to assist with the Father's Day brunch. Women were cooking, I was setting up and arranging and whatnot. EXHAUSTED. After serving the men and photographing the program I cleaned up. No easy job. Dishes for days I tell you. Btw, I once again offered an array of drinks. Teas and juices and whatnot.

Went home and took a nap. Washed my hair FINALLY. Went out with sis and Dad. Saw Indiana Jones and went to Macaroni Grill. Got home at almost 11pm. Watched the rest of the NBA finals (I hate the Lakers). Pin curled my hair and fell into a coma.

Monday - TIRED!

My outlook calendar is incredible this summer. I don't know how I'm going to do it all. But honestly I love it all. It's rewarding to serve. I just didn't realize how many muscles you needed to do it.

Caged

I have been slacking again. My job is keeping me quite occupied during the day.
These people and their crazy expectations of actual work.....

Emily King has been playing at my desk and in my car for about 3 days now. It's rare that I become absorbed in an album after hearing it only once.

She's not a great singer but her music gets me. Or at least a part of me. She reminds me of Lauryn Hill but not the famous Lauryn Hill; the guitar playing one. I LOVED the MTV uncut album. I rock that album more than Miseducation. She wasn't about entertaining she was just pouring her creativity. Raspy voice and unkept eyebrows. I miss her.

My favorite song on Emily's album is 'Ride with Me'. Just listen to it. It sounds alot like many of my earlier blogs....before I got a little lost. I lost the focus of my blogging. I don't mind that people read em. And it's cute to read the responses but at the end of the day they've ALWAYS been for me.

When I go back and read them I see the many folds of my personality. I've learned alot about me. I'm quite pleased with what I have observed. Quite proud of myself and how I handle myself especially. I'm not perfect of course but I'm generally a good person and I am a caring person as long as you don't act ridiculous. Actually I still care regardless, I just find a way to distance myself. I've been bound for so long and it feels GREAT to feel free from all the 'extra'.

But as the song says, I feel trapped in a cage at times. I'm not a narcissist but I feel like this planet aint enough. A regular life just aint enough. That's what drives me to travel. It's like I'm getting outa my cage.

I wish I was rich. Not cause I love money but so I could just ride in the wind. (lol sometimes I think I belong in those old black and white films full of happy endings)

I'm waiting for it to feel real and familiar and safe. July 18th is when it all begins....

btw. It has taken me 3 days to write this blog. that's how busy I have been.

U-Turning towards Excellence

I attended a truly classy affair Sunday. A young woman from my church graduated from Yale with her MD/PhD. Coincidentally she is an M4. Most of my friends know what I mean by that.

I felt elevated to be in the company of such a person. And I know alot of successful people but she is truly unique. She's humble.

Truly humble. She's beautiful and smart and successful and humble. Now that is hard to find. I know NO ONE like this. Not because I don't know people with those characteristics but because she is at the top of her game in all four. That is what I've never seen before.

I suppose she is the epitome of what I've always wanted to be. I've been close before. When I was at my absolute worst part of my life I was humbled. Had no choice. And when I realized that there was no excellence in me on my own but that it was all Divine, I became a creature of beauty. I was saved by those around me. NO ONE can do this life thing on their own.

I got sidetracked on the road to excellence but I got back on path this weekend....Updates to follow on that story as it progresses.

But isn't excellence more than academic degrees and fat paychecks? It has to be. I wanna be an excellent person. I've got a ways to go. I wanted to be excellent and lost that drive. I know why now. I didn't surround myself with the excellence I wanted to emulate. I only kept one type close to me and alienated the rest.

With my spirit renewed and cleaned I understand that true excellence is embodied in those who love and give effortlessly. Those who have much and give more. I want to give but I am not in the position to do so yet; not the way I want to. I want to give my time, my money, my affection, my advice, my story, my all.

If I can do that one day I'll have been self actualized and excellent with the one life I've been given to live.

First steps have been taken. It was a U-turn.

Weak but Strong

Umm. I cannot sleep. I went out with my sis a few hours ago and had two red bulls. I'm wired!

I have no idea what I'm about to write but it always ends up as SOMETHING in the end....

I missed church last week. That really set my week off bad. I didn't have that relaxing break before starting my work week again. I made sure to get there today. So happy that I did.

Nichova isn't an emotional woman. I've got great control over myself 98% of the time. But when I walk through the doors of church those emotional floodgates open. I had a panic attack in church one Sabbath because of this. I cannot deal with not being in control of me.

Thursday was a not too great of a day so after happy hour with coworkers I was on my way home and I randomly decided to swing into church. I've never done that. Walked in the door and IMMEDIATELY my posture relaxed and I felt safe. Like what was outside those doors couldn't get to me anymore. I was sheltered. I smiled.

Men's Bible Study was going on and they told me to come in and join the discussion. I did. And I was blessed. Like a spiritual B12 shot. The topic was heated. I was in a serious debate but it was still cool. When we were done having it out we all held hands and prayed and joked as we left. I drove away feeling relief. That is what I love most about being a Christian....the warmth of my church family. They give the best hugs and know just when you need them.

Friday was a regular day. I woke up and felt like I would have a good day. And in general I did. My coworker had her baby shower so I spent most of my work day buying gifts and wrapping things and taking pictures and eating cake. Hard job but someone had to do it :)

But THANK GOD for Sabbath. I don't know what I would do without this gift. I walked in those doors again and felt like I could be me again.....the person I always suppress because it's easier to fit in with what's out there than to be different....than to be spiritual and confident.

Good ole' Pastor made me cry in the pew today. Yes Nichova let it out today! And I feel so much better. I bought my own copy of the sermon on CD so I can hear it again and share it with people that have gone through what I have.

I guess it wasn't Pastor that made me cry but God through Pastor. I often feel like the sermons are speaking to me but today it was as if no one was in the sanctuary but me and God. I said some prayers and asked some questions just prior to going to church and the ENTIRE sermon DIRECTLY answered my question and went one step further...gave me directions on how to deal with my issues.

It was humbling. The same God that created the universe felt I was special enough to send a message to me. I know I sound crazy to most but I think this happens to everyone at least once...when it happens to you you'll know what I mean. It's awesome.

I suppose after the crazy week I've had I should be writing about those escapades but interestingly enough what impressed me about my week were the moments in church that I faced myself and my life and my choices and I cried. I set myself free.

Guess I had this whole thing backwards. Being a tough girl was counter productive. That's why even my body would revolt when I went to church. I needed to become weak so He could make me strong.

Now I really feel strong. Because it's not like the battle is over. It'll only get worse. Daily I'll be bombarded with temptations and evil and occasionally I'll fall but I'll keep getting back up.
The devil never gives up so I can't either.

The more I align myself with Jesus the more my life will be a struggle just like his was. I welcome the struggle cause I realized this week that I'm not alone. There are thousands just like me.

hmmm.....ended up being SOMETHING in the end after all. :)

Michael Jackson is STILL THAT DUDE!

I LOVE driving to work on Fridays. All the stations play the BEST music. Russ Parr has the wrong songs, DJ dirty elbows has his 'mix' and Steve Harvey has the music war thing. Today was GREAT.

Steve Harvey was doing only Prince and Michael Jackson music.

So I'm driving and Steve's Michael Jackson choice was 'JAM!!!'. OMG. I was a wreck on Twinbrook Parkway. Have you ever heard the first beat of a song and your knee caps started tingling and you just HAD to dance. I swear I was a'poppin and a'lockin so damn hard I almost hurt myself. (I tend to revert into 80s dances when 80s music comes on)

Michael really is the MAN. I forgot. We cannot let his goulish face prejudice us from the truth. He is still THAT DUDE. The song took me BACK.

Today I shall only play Michael Jackson at my desk. I don't wanna hear nothing but him all day. That's how good I felt this morning.

When the song was done I let out that loud and ignant 'WHEW!'. lol. It was serious in the truck this morning. Alot was going on. Truly a wild scene.

My suggestions to all: If you are driving on a Friday morning listen to the music mixes during the 8 o'clock hour to get your day started right.

:)

Zen

I need another retreat. lol. I just went to one for Memorial Day weekend but I really need a serious week long retreat to nowhere. I need to sit in somebody's meadow and crack my toes and scratch my scalp.

I was at work last night until 10pm. Yes 10PM!!! I worked for 14hrs straight....no lunch break.
Then I went home and finished up some spreadsheets due today on my personal laptop. I got in and IMMEDIATELY got to work because my deadline was 10am. As soon as I printed them and handed them off (at 9:47am) the power to the bldg shut off. We are running on the back up generators now. I had a few emergencies to take care of and before I realized it 12:45pm was staring me in the face. I had NO breakfast. Not even a drink of water.

I went to lunch just to get outa the office. I needed to see the sky. I forgot what daylight looks like.

I cannot let myself be so busy that I rebuild my stress. I think I wrote a blog about this already but so what. It's true. Stress is just so dangerous. But I have found that my mood is still cheerful when I'm stressed so I'm making progress.

The most relaxing thing I did this week was take myself to dinner and read a book until I was contented. I used to curl up with good books all the time in high school. By the time college came around I was reading so many textbooks that I didn't read anything for pure fun. I want my old habit back. It was my world away from the world.

Last fall I would go for 20min jogs in the morning outside. Now that was actually relaxing. I always had a good day when I started it with that. Fall and Spring weather are perfect for this.

Whatever it is that gets you into your Zen mode please find time to get there every single day. It can add years to your life.

Straight bashing

Yes. I will write on this topic hopefully only once for the sake of all those who might not understand Nichova on the very sensitive issue of homosexuality.

Nichova does not approve. But so what?! Who the hell cares?! I certainly don't care who approves of me outside of God. The problem is that I am not passive about my beliefs. If asked I share them passionately. That's just me. (you should get into it with me on politics for a preview....)

I think homosexuality is wrong on so so many levels but that is my belief and I don't force it on anyone. Nor do I judge and label people based on their sexuality. Folks can be gay as they wanna be and still be my friend as long the lifestyle isn't something I have to stomach on a detailed level. Isn't that fair?

I think people simply don't understand the strides many people like me have made to be tolerant. Once again, tolerate not accept. One thing I've learned through my spiritual growth is to learn how to love people through friendship. Friends don't have to agree on things but they can still love each other.

Just like how I think cursing and fornication and drinking alcohol is bad yet all my friends do it. No one gets pissed at me for saying I don't agree with drinking. No one accuses me of hating all alcoholics just cause I think drinking is wrong. Yet because I think homosexuality is wrong that means I hate gay people?! I don't get the logic. I really dont.

Nichova has boundaries in her life. I have a value system and a belief system set up for ME and the family I hope to have one day. Those systems cannot be regulated by the outside world. I don't care what the world thinks is ok, that doesn't dictate what I think is ok based on my relationship with God. As that relationship grows those systems also evolve. But I have reinforced those boundaries and until I get the world from God they simply not gonna move.....I don't care what laws are past.

I like all people. Respect all people. Can be friends with all people because we are all the same. We are all sinners and pretty much losers when compared to the universe. My issues are just as bad as homosexuality so why would I judge?

Maybe I'll call it straight bashing. That's what it feels like. Just cause you don't agree with it means you're ignorant? Since when? I have an actual set of reasons why I don't agree. Ignorance is holding to your stance without educated reasoning behind it.

I thank God for the strength He has given me to stand firm on certain things. Every day I have to wake up and tell myself not to do certain things so that one day the right things become my norm. It wasn't always the norm to speak up and say the difficult things.....now it almost is. :)

Family?!

:( I'm currently having a conversation with my buddy that saddens me. We're pretty much the same age and we'd both like to have children before we're 30. Doesn't seem likely anymore. This is why..

I think the devil has launched a very sophisticated attack against the family unit. The family used to be the backbone of morality and structure and even love. Nobody has a family anymore.

You need men to have a family. We already out number them. The remaining ones are either in jail, they're gay, or they won't get a job or they won't settle down because women are so desperate.

Decent girls like me will probably never get married; I've almost accepted this fact. There simply aren't that many decent men in the world. The ones that are decent can now be extra-ordinarily picky even though they themselves aren't attractive because they have soooo many to chose from. And I am NOT about to put on a show for some guy.

Everybody's baby is out of wedlock. Men are having babies in different zip codes. Gay people claiming to be a family unit these days. Two moms and two dads. It's getting ridiculous. Even if you got two moms you still got a dad SOMEWHERE. And vice versa. I'm sick of the new age rules. Can we please go back to basics! Mommy and Daddy make love and make a damn baby. They raise the damn baby in THEIR home. PERIOD.

This craziness that we now accept as the norm is infecting us like a nasty virus. The devil is certainly doing a great job of destroying one of God's perfect designs on earth.

I even found myself wanting to have a baby with my buddy if I'm unmarried at 35. This is what it has come to! Contracting friends to father your children! Shame Shame Shame.

I guess I'll either have to adopt or wait till I'm like 40 and take some medication to make me a baby when/if men are done with their drama. Being a good woman feels like some sort of punishment now.

Sorry girls....something else we gotta suffer though.

Willpower, I think not!!!

I can't take it no more!!!! FOOD IS KILLING ME!!

I been steadily losing weight until a few weeks ago when the spring weather hit. I cannot get away from food! There is a cook out or pool party or something CONSTANTLY. What the heck. This is precisely why I wanted to lose all the weight before summer cause I knew what would happen.

For example, this is what's about to happen to me in just the upcoming days:

Today: breakfast social at work, evening social at church....delicious foods at both occasions.

Thursday: Happy hour at Fridays for a co-worker's last day.....Spinach dip and Jack Daniels wings!

Friday: Baby shower at work for coworker....they have ordered Famous Dave's for this event!

Saturday: Sabbath lunch, friend's bday party that evening. There will be a macaroni pie involved somewhere on that day.

Sunday: Kings Dominion. Yes I'll be walking but you know you can't bring food in there. I'll end up eating a pizza most likely and ice cream and funnel cake on the way out!

And honestly, this is how it has been for all of May and now it's moving into June. The only way that I can combat this is to really work it out in the gym. I'm gonna have to become radical with the workouts. I've brought a set of gym clothes to work so I can jog on my lunch break.

At least I'm not gaining weight. But the whole point was to lose.

And please, I don't want nobody leaving comments on here about willpower. Take that crap somewhere else. Willpower is for losers. I like to eat tasty treats. I don't gorge myself but I just don't believe in being unhappy at social events. If there is a party and I'm hungry I'm gonna eat what they've provided as sustenance. Thank you.

Nichova

Happy but Tense

Happy Monday!!!

I'm chipper today! Well rested.

Today I'd like to talk about sex and the lack of it in my life.

Yes there is HUGE lack of sex in my life and I am VERY happy about that. Here is why:

1. Herpes - who gets herpes?!?!?! Not Nichova I'll tell you that much. How the hell..... People don't seem to realize that you can get herpes from protected sex. Condoms don't help you with that one. The surrounding fluids that touch your skin are just as bad. And homeboy doesn't have to have an outbreak. Everything could be lookin normal down there and next thing you know the doc is in the room tellin you that herpes is coursing through your veins. HELLZ NO!!!!

2. HIV - DUH!! But condoms do help with this so I can understand why you guys think you are safe. But how about the African American women between the ages of 18-25 that have the highest rate of contracting this?! And do you know why?! Them dirty down-low brothas!. And you can be down low with a girl or a boy. Either way you nasty and you putting my body at risk. Once again, HELLZ NO!!!!

3. All other STDs - Ok so the rest of the stuff can probably be cleared up with some medicinal potion in a tube but does that mean I'm gonna let it happen? There isn't a man in the world who is worth repeated exposures to disgusting infections! Most men do not get tested so they don't even know what the hell they've got. Constant infections can lead to infertility. So, HELLZ NO!!!

4. Unwanted pregnancy - Ummm. Right. No can do. I'm not even gonna lie. I've gotten carried away quite a few times in my young life and it's nothing but God's mercy that saved me from not having a baby at a young age. I was WRONG. I just shake my head in silence when I think about it. I cannot let that happen. And since I don't believe in pumping regulating medication into my body daily, any sex would mean a possible pregnancy. I'm simply not ready to properly provide ALL of the needs of another human being. It's about way more than money.

5. God - Last but certainly not least. I can't be ignoring God's advice for how I should be living my life. Every single thing He has asked that we do is so that we can have the best life ever. If women maintained their virtue and waited for a hubby to open their.... I think the world would be a safer place. lol. No really I do. God has asked that we don't fornicate. And I wonder why?! Is it so that we can avoid 1-4 above?! So yes, out of respect for God's wisdom I shall keep it under locks till a man is worthy to be called my husband.

That's it for today. I just wanted to tell everyone that I am VERY happy that I have absolutely no sex life. Lil tense though...

Nichova

Immortal Beloved

If you have not seen the Sex in the City movie please don't continue reading this blog.

It's 3:08AM. Just got back from seeing the movie with my sis. Whew! I never really watched the show but I really enjoyed the movie. The acting was somewhat corny but the story was incredible to me.

I LOL alot but I had a steady lump in my throat the whole time.

Carrie. Her story is the story of so many women! I figured I'd see very little of myself in her character and I was right.....except for the pain. There were a few scenes where the pain she felt of a broken heart mimicked my life.

I've had my heart torn out of me three times. It literally hurt to breathe. The first time I thought I'd never ever smile again. The second time was by far the hardest. I was a zombie for about 9months. I remember just living in a distant fog. The third time I remember just crumbling to the floor and holding my stomach. I've experienced some real unbearable pain in my relatively short life. I've always managed to get through them by myself. I've never shared what has happened to me on an emotional level. I've told my friends the details of the circumstances but never how it's made me feel. Huh. Guess I should have.

It hurts me to watch women in pain from heartbreak. And I mean true heartbreak. None of my heartbreak was as a result of someone cheating on me. I actually think I could tolerate that more. I was discarded. I wasn't valued. I was used. I was manipulated. I was torn. Men literally cannot feel as much emotional pain as we can. They were not made with the capacity to even understand it.

I don't think I've dealt with it yet. I thought I had but obviously I haven't if a fictional movie brings those experiences to the surface. The woman I am today most definitely was born of strife. The woman I used to be I truly miss. I miss me alot. I was so innocent and hopefull. Now I'm logical about everything, even about love and emotions. I really don't want to feel those horrible feelings again. This is how I cope although I know I can't do it forever.

I guess I'm a little mad. Of all people I don't think I ever deserved to go through so much emotional devastation. So why me? What do you do differently to avoid these things. Love less? I look at teenage girls and I want to literally cry at times because I can see their future. They are in for such an eye opening surprise. One day in the future they 'll lose that sparkle in their eyes.

Before I went to the movie I was thinking about how I've forgotten what a kiss feels like. I really have! I've forgotten how to hold hands even! I was wondering if I'll ever experience those things again. Seems like a forever away.

Carrie ends up marrying Mr. Big despite the pain their relationship caused her. I think about if I'll end up like that. ..maybe I'll take a look at my past and find that is where the love is.

I just want to smile. Forever. Is that too much. I don't even care to live long. I just want to smile for the years that I am living. I've done enough of the sad and upset.

An Immortal Beloved. What a concept. What a treasure. What an expectation.

'My' Shooting Star

I love me!

Ever feel that way about yourself? It's a cool feeling to have. And to genuinely have it.

I am chubby. I got about 25lbs of fat distributed across my body. My hair is in some weird phase of 3.83 quarters natural and 0.17 quarters perm. I gots a puffy circle under my right eye. My right pinky toe is developing a corn :( The tattoo on my hip doesn't quite look the same. My top lip is skinnier than the bottom. The nail on the middle finger of my right hand grows crooked. And the list goes on....

BUT

I really really love me.

:)

I wish everyone would feel this way about themselves. Of course God got me to this place of euphoria. Sorry but He's the only way. We were made to reflect love. We're lil flowers and we grow when we are watered with love and affection and attention. I'm trying to reflect the love expressed by God!

Just like on a small scale we feel unsure of ourselves if our parents never showed us any love. Same goes here. People in abusive relationships are often the most unsure, shy individuals you'll ever meet.

Think about the most beautiful place you've ever been to. Imagine that the whole scene was created just to make you smile. Wouldn't you feel special?

Imagine that waterfalls and starfish and diamonds and sunsets etc were all made just for you. Or crystal clear waters and dolphins and giraffes and fluffy clouds and morning dew and gentle breezes and cresting waves were made just to entertain you.

I saw a shooting star when I was watching the moon rise this weekend and I felt so special. Like God was putting on a show for me. Sounds silly but I believe it's real.

Accept God's gifts to you through creation and then you'd understand how God makes me feel!

Precious Peace

Feels like an eternity since I've written a blog. I had a wonderful weekend! I went on a retreat to Meadowkirk, VA. God lead me to that place. I've always thought of church retreats as pretty corny but I went to this one anyways and I was proven terribly wrong. It was one of the best experiences of my life.

I experienced peace. I've been camping and experienced quite a bit of the outdoors in my youth but never experienced peace. You can't understand peace unless you've been through storms. The bigger the storms and stresses the more extraordinary the peace is when you experience it.

Since I've returned to civilization I feel an urge to keep the peace going day to day. I am at work and church and home so there are stresses bombarding me constantly. I try sometimes not to sprinkle so much 'God' into my blogs but I really cannot help it. He is the source of all good things. The only way to truly stay in peace throughout life is to have a daily reinforced relationship with God. Knowing Him makes the drama of this world seem so insignificant. It's like I'm thinking outside and beyond my circumstance.

I've noticed that the majority of my stress is my own fault. I take on too much. Or I deal with the ridiculousness of the people I care about. Or I try to fix everything. Or I try to use every talent I've got all at the same time. Or I let myself get so busy that I don't bask in the peace of God's promises. I can control all of these things. I'm going to control all of these things.

Order brings peace. It's not gonna be easy but I'm gonna have to say 'no' in order to maintain order. I'm gonna have to say no to some church activities. I'm gonna have to say no to my boss occasionally. I'm gonna have to say no to myself when I get carried away with a new hobby.

There aren't enough hours in the day to do all that I think is important. So some important things simply won't get done because I cannot get back to the high stress level that became a part of my life. It's not ok nor is it cute. Women seem to think that the more they do the more significant they are. I'm guilty of this. I feel like Superwoman with a big ole 'N' on my chest for 'Nichova'.

But it's literally killing me. Nope. Those days are over. Time for me......

My apologies

I'm soooo sorry. This has been a hectic week. I simply have no time to blog.

I will get to it by this evening hopefully. If not..... :(

But there is enough material on this blog site to occupy an interested reader.

I suggest you view my Congrats to the Nichova Chronicles blog. It will give a list of the best ones thus far.


Apologies.

Where are you?

It's official. I am a fan of me and my boring life.

I didn't realize how chill my life has become. I know it's not normal for a healthy, single 25yr old woman to enjoy her own company but I really do.

I can't blog about the events of my weekend because I honestly wouldn't know where to start. I'll just say that it was very interesting and I learned alot about me. I learned that life will never again be the same now that my eyes have been opened to so many things.

On my way home last night I realized that I miss my naiveté. I miss the chick I was as a teenager. When I started college I had a such beautiful outlook on life and love. I still do but I'm so jaded by knowledge.

It's like I've eaten the biggest fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Wish I never ate the fruit but I was forced to. In this world you either gotta eat the fruit or die. Better learn to survive or give up. It's a bitter intelligence I've acquired.

Now I understand the plight of a parent. You bask in your child's ignorance but with the knowledge that if you don't teach em then the world will teach em the way of things. Either way their world will turn from white to grey.

I wonder if there is anyone out there like me. Anybody that knows how the 'game' of life is played but doesn't wanna play it at home. Doesn't wanna play it when it comes to love and God. I know I gotta play along when I step outside my house but is there anyone out there that won't play along in love?

Listen, I'm 25 and single so I think about who, if anyone, I can blend my spirit with. Who, if anyone, can breathe out when I breathe in. I know so much now that it makes the possibility of such a someone seems improbable. I'm tired of the world and I want to create my own haven with someone tired of it too.

Does anyone exist that won't just lay it out on the table regardless of....? Heck, I'm at the point now where if I don't like someone I'ma just say it. If I love someone I'ma just tell em. Might surprise people but oh well. I'm tired of playing chess (even though I win 99% of the time).

There has got to be someone plain and simple like me. That wants to just live life, marvel at God's creation, laugh hard, think, read, explore, dance, sing, write, create, kiss, yawn, wink, love and be loved...........
Or

at least love me for loving all these things.

Where are you?

Devastation, Hope

It's late. Just got back from a Women's program at a Wesleyan church. Never been to one. It was cool. My cousin was performing and I wanted to see him. His mom is the one that passed away last night.(read my previous blog for background)

God is soooo good! Tonight I recognized how he has worked in my cousin's life. He got up to sing and said that this morning he wasn't God's friend. He was upset with God. His mom had been taken from him. But by this afternoon he and God are friends again. PRAISE GOD.

He started singing his song and in the middle of it just broke down. The words got to him. I witness the devastation that I fear so much. I looked at him bent over that pulpit crying over his mom and I just felt like my whole world would end like his must have.

Grief is so scary. It looked like he had a pain in him that he couldn't get out no matter how hard or how long he cried. Nothing would ease that pain. Nothing but God. And God did. He sure did.

When you worship God through your grief you'll reach out for depression but you never find it. You have a hope that most don't have because you understand death. Even in your darkness you see a light far out to look towards. You understand God's perfect plan to end this pain.

I saw devastation tonight and it scared me. But then I saw healing and I felt some relief. He'll be in pain for probably years to come but he's gonna hold God's hand through it so he'll make it.

By the end of the night I could see his lively spirit again in his eyes. He joked with me. Made ME laugh. Unbelievable.

That's what God can do.

Fearing Devastation

Speechless. I don't know where I'm going to find the words for this one.

My mom JUST called me to tell me that someone in our family died last night. Unexpectedly. A very very close friend to my grandfather. His best friend. They grew up together and they are the same age. My mom called to tell me that my grandfather is not taking it well at all. My day just ended.

I remember Antie Carmen but not in detail. I remember the last time she visited she was sooo lively. Feisty lady in GREAT health. How sobering. How shocking. How humbling.

You know how it is when you are bombarded with so many emotions that nothing can be expressed. You just sit there. I'm just sitting here.

I knew her. I cannot say I loved her because I did not know her that well. But I love my grandfather. If he's scared then I'm scared too. He just turned 76 a few weeks ago. I think that if I lose my grandfather my life will forever change. I cannot imagine the grief. My mind rejects the thought.

My grandparents keep my family together. Without them we probably wouldn't even speak half the time. Sabbath lunch is our one and only fellowship. The Patriarch and Matriarch are the rocks of my life.

I make comments about how I wish Jesus would come and just end this world's story. I really mean that. And secretly it's because I don't want to experience the loss of my family members. We've been so fortunate thus far. No one in our immediate family has passed away. I lost my Dad's parents many years ago but I'd only met them each maybe twice. It hurt me but I wasn't devastated. I fear the devastation.

When my mom called I was worrying about how I'm gonna lose the last 15lbs before my birthday.

Sure not thinking about that anymore.

Pee on my lawn?

If you had a house and your neighbor kept peeing on your lawn what would u do? Would you let it continue un-addressed and just be depressed about your discolored yard? Would you create a cozy path your neighbor could use to easily access your lawn so he could pee on it? Would you build a fence to protect your yard? Or would you confront your neighbor and make it clear that that behavior simply won't be tolerated?

Silly suggestions right? Most of us would just tell the neighbor to stop it and some would build a fence at the most. The other two seem ridiculous. But I wanna know why is it we wouldn't let someone pee on our property but we let people 'pee' all through our lives unchecked or confronted. Some people even help the pee-er pee on the lawn!

I'm reading a book entitled 'Boundaries'. It is a GREAT book. Had I read it years ago I'da saved myself some drama. It's a biblically based book that explains the need to have boundaries and stick to them to not only protect yourself but to protect the relationships that are important to you.

Any time you grudgingly agree to do something you end up secretly resenting the person that asked. All you had to say was no. Your time is YOURS.

Any time you allow a disrespectful behavior in a relationship you are giving that person permission to repeat it. Your silence means it doesn't offend you. Speak up or don't get mad when it continues.

I'll admit that since I've 'changed' I've become impatient with some emotions. lol. My thinking is even more linear than before. Honestly I simply don't care if someone gets a lil offended because I've taken ownership of my time, my surroundings, what I expose my mind to, bla bla bla. It's MY life. Sorry but I've got standards over here.

Allowing yourself to be taken advantage of repeatedly is a sign of low self esteem. These people don't regard themselves enough to require more. So anything goes. Just pee everywhere. If your neighbor just let everyone pee on his lawn you'd assume he didn't care about his lawn. Same thing here. It's really really sad to watch this dynamic in folks' lives.

And if you stay in the 'boundaries' you set up in your relationships it keeps you from carrying someone else's load. It's becoming easier for me to let people deal with their own mess because I can distinguish between a load and a burden. I'll help you carry your burdens but not your loads.

Burdens are excessive loads not meant to be carried by one person, like a death or sudden financial ruin... As a Christian it is my duty to help unburden those around me. If my shoulders aren't enough then it may take many of us to help someone with their burden.

Loads are the daily backpacks we all need to carry. Relationships are loads and we are all responsible for our own. So I'm letting folks carry theirs and I'm worrying about mine. I'll give you advice about how best to carry your load but I WONT carry it for you. Two loads will break my back!

I hope I don't seem selfish but these boundaries protect me and the integrity of my relationships. I maintain my emotional stability and they learn grown strong enough to carry their loads for themselves.

God does this with us. He has made it CLEAR what he will and will not tolerate. God saves us from our burdens but he lets us learn to carry our loads so we can make it through this life. He's got boundaries. If you value yourself you'll have boundaries too.

Do you? Ask yourself, 'what DON'T you allow?'

Losing or Gaining?

It's the truth. Making a stance for God means you have to let go of things that you once held dear. I'm not talking about stupid stuff like alcohol and sex and cursing......I mean real things like love and friendship and desires.

I know that when I was created God had this perfect idea for how my life should go. In order to fullfill my purpose he gave me talents and gifts and insights unique to me. But ofcourse, I used my free-will to turn away and do my own thing.

Now I'm trying to get back on His path but while I was doing my own thing I actually acquired some good things. I acquired some cool friends. I picked up some interesting habits. I began to desire certain things. And ofcourse I found love.

None of those things are necessarily bad; they just weren't for me. So now is the painful part. I've got to let go of the 'treasures' I gathered if they don't fall in line with what my life is supposed to be.

Imagine this. At one point in my life I KNEW who I would spend the rest of my life with. As soon as I started listening to God I realized that I was wrong. I'm wrong but the love still nags.

Imagine this. I had very specific career goals. Now that I'm tapping into my God-given talents (since he's showed them to me) I realize that my 'callling' might be something TOTALLY different.

Imagine this. As I pray the actual desires of my heart change. I no longer pray for the same things because I simply pray that I will instead desire what God has in store. He's got the best presents!

So am I losing or am I really gaining? Sort of balancing the scales except there are much cooler gadgets on the new side of the scale. I'm losing things and people but I'm making some really cool friends and discovering that some I already had are much cooler than I ever imagined. I understand that love is more than what I envisioned. That what I felt/feel for that lost love doesn't compare to what will come....

It does sorta hurt inside nonetheless. No matter how wrong I was for bonding myself to the wrong things/people, the feelings I've developed are no less real.

But time heals all and God is never ever wrong.

You'd be so nice......

I'm not upset anymore. I've moved on....

I have a list of things to talk about but I'm taking a mental break today.

Lyrics to my favorite song:

You'd be so nice to come home to
You'd be so nice by the fire

While that breeze on night sings a lullaby
You'd be all my heart could desire
Under stars chilled by the winter
Under an August moon shining above

You'd be so nice you'd be paradise
To come home to and love

At times I'll just put that song on repeat and let it play for hours. It's simple but soul stirring. My favorite version is performed by Ms. Nina Simone. She plays the piano to lead it in for almost 4minutes. Majority of the emotion is in her piano interpretation of the music. I'm ready to burst before she ever sings a note.

Everyone that appreciates REAL music has a song that is them. This song is me. All I need to hear is the first piano note and my mood is automatically shifted and my eyes close. Anyone that 'gets' this song also 'gets' me.

What song is you?

I AM ANGRY!!!

You know what?! I am sooooo ANGRY right now. I don't get like this often. I am not at my rage level yet but I'm sitting quite nicely on ANGRY.

This morbidly obese heifer at my job was caught doing the unthinkable by my friend/coworker. While I was downstairs getting breakfast he saw her spraying my plants with BUG SPRAY!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! And I know it's true cause when I got back she said 'Nicole don't worry if you smell something funny cause I sprayed my desk with some bug spray.' Her desk NOT MINE OR MY PLANTS.

I am fighting the urge to beat her over the head with my phone receiver. IS SHE CRAZY?!?!?!

Everyone in here knows that my plants are like my children. I care for them with love and diligence. I recently brought in an Azalea. She flowered nicely but about two weeks ago she began to die without reason. She isn't absorbing her water completely and I decided to take her home today for intensive treatments. But I guess the mystery has been solved. Fat Robotnic has sabotaged me.

What should I do. I am thinking the most unChristian thoughts right now. She walked in the office a moment ago and I couldn't hold back my 'MMMM'!!. I wanna flip out in the worst way. But no. This requires thought. I will retreat to my lair tonight and ponder the ultimate revenge.

For now, when she asks me to edit her illiterate emails I will refuse. When she asks me some simple math question I will give her the incorrect answer. I will step on her toe 'accidentally' and possibly unplug her mouse and keyboard from her PC.

THE NERVE OF THIS MONSTER!!!!!!

Emergency!!!

I gotta get the word about this silent killer.

My story:
My job is stressful. I have volunteered myself for a trillion church things. I have BILLS. Not bills but BILLS. I have a deadline for achieving my weight loss. And my family puts an enormous amount of pressure on me for greatness.

So,
I've been under the weather for almost two months now. Various ailments have plagued me. I kept feeling a cold coming on but I fought it off twice in March. Early April I succumbed but it was the superflu that got me. I was laid up in my bed for days. Once that was done I had a lingering cough that just left a few days ago. I had to go to the Emergency Room because the cough was so bad my entire body was in pain from the strain.

I've had some chronic chest pains since February. I ofcourse ignore pain if it's not extreme but Saturday night it got extreme and I once again found myself in the emergency room. So far they can't find anything wrong with me except anemia. I have an appt to see my Internalist Monday.

Scary stuff aint it. I didn't even mention the migraines and extreme fatigue and scoliosis that affects my posture. I sound like a leper :(

But in the hospital I learned something shocking. Almost all of my ailments might be caused by stress!!! I am literally aging myself by allowing stress to actually become a part of my life. I've been under severe stress for so long that I feel like it's normal. When I felt pure peace a few weeks ago I found myself having a panic attack in church.

This is just craziness. All the 'circle' members know that I am focusing on my health (spiritual and physical) but I think it comes down to me just saying 'no'. I cannot be all and do all for all people. I want to help everyone and take care of everything but it's not possible. I get it all done but at the cost of my health?!

I need to learn to just nibble at things instead of taking such huge bites of problems at a time. Every muscle in my body has been engaged and it even hurts to turn my neck at work. Funny how this crept up on me. Never would have realized what was going on had I not ended up in the hospital.

Never again. My one and only project for now is learning how to first de-stress, then setting up protective boundaries for my life so I am never so loaded again. We all need at least 40minutes to ourselves...awake not sleeping.

Take a look at your life and make sure this isn't happening to you. I'm single without any kids. I don't drink or smoke yet my body still folded from stress. I'm sure alot of you mothers out there are so stressed it's affecting your health as well.

Be careful people!

Naked

I'm back!

I attended a Conference for Women yesterday and I've got blogging material for at least a good month. Please visit regularly so I can drop some knowledge on your foreheads.

It is Sabbath morning right now. I'm waiting for my lil cousin to get out of the shower so I can get in (she takes forever).

I think I've changed. ALOT. I wore my face full of make-up yesterday for the conference for the first time since my baptism. I felt SOOOO unconfortable. I don't think I can do it anymore. The exercise the Pastor forced me to do seems to have made a big difference in my life. I simply feel better as the natural me. The whole day I felt like a clown with facepaint on.

Later in the afternoon I went to get my biweekly mani-pedi. I got my favorite shade of green on my toes and I got a cute neutral on my fingers. I must say that I prefer the neutrals. The green feels awkwardish.

I don't think my change has anything to do with religion or faith or any of that. I think it has to do with acceptance. The real me does not have bright red lips or green toes. lol. I've been wearing make-up for so long that the natural me got lost in all the shades. I don't advocate for either or. I just know for me I'm going to try and enhance what I already look like naturally.

I gave it some thought at the nail shop. My nail lady is so beautiful to me. And then I realized I've never seen her with a stitch of make-up or loud nail colors or anything. She's beautiful to me BECAUSE she's cozy with herself the way she is.

So look forward to me sporting myself with a far more neutral pallet of shades....if I wear any at all.

Oh and I had the same experience with my jewelry.

CONGRATS TO THE NICHOVA CHRONICLES!!!

YEAH!!!. I just realized that I've hit a blogging milestone. 50 blogs!!!! So to celebrate the occasion I will list my top 10 blogs thus far in descending order then name the winner.

Honorable Mentions

Nicole the Grouch
i like me.

No Regrets Please
realization

Math
utter randomness. yet cute and intelligent.

Gotta Get My Life Together
interesting observation

10. Milk Chocolate Love
about music..nuff said

9. My Inner Circle
about my friends..nuff said

8. Worth
about me..nuff said. lol

7. Women Shave your Legs!!!
something that was on my chest for awhile

6. Black People
mmm

5. Nicole, Naturally
:)

4. Can I Rub Your Head and Wash Your Hair
bigger :)

3. Caribbean Massive
about my men..nuff said.

2. Black Men Reading
my gift to my brothers

1. The ONLY one
my gift to myself


And my absolute favorite is.........(Drum roll Please)................................................................................

Rape & Divorce

This blog flowed like water out of me. The truest lesson I've learned about how I became 'that girl' full of scars.

I am proud of my blog. When I re-read some of my blogs they seem really interesting to me. I make myself laugh quite a bit. NicHova's cool!! Tell ya friends about me!!

btw....the other blogs that didn't make the list are just as good....please spend some time and enlighten yourselves with the knowledge I drop like hot fiyah.

LOL.

Yall married?

Ok I just finished the previous blog and I feel impressed to write another. I am doing no work today.

So I know quite a few people dealing with cheating 'mates'. Not like in a marriage or anything, just the regular relationship. It really hurts my heart to see this happening. People are mixing themselves up in relationships that mimic marriage but really aren't. Girls especially. All it takes is for that man to call you 'wifey' and you cooking him dinner and hand-washing his boxers. Shouldn't it take more than that for you to start performing wifey duties....like being a real WIFE. Stop giving folks access to all you are before they make some sort of serious serious commitment to you. If you aint a wife stop acting like one! You're gonna get hurt badly.

People that live together make this mistake alot. I lived with a boyfriend before and I felt like I was supposed to be cooking dinner and he should be taking out trash and all that. But let's be real. That's wasn't my husband! People get all confused. You are only dating this individual. So when the relationship ends...and most do, you end up having to divide up not only possessions but your emotions; far more than you would have otherwise.

I'd also like for someone to explain to me how it is you can forgive a cheating mate? I could NEVER. I don't care if I have 50kids with the man I am LEAVING. I don't know how you can forgive even the suspicion of cheating. If the man allowed a situation to occur that gives off the impression of cheating I'm LEAVING. Maybe cause I'm just super loyal so I expect the same. I cannot comprehend how women are internalizing this and forgiving. No way in the world. Someone please tell me how this is done. Please. Are yall not feeling? Is self-esteem that distant. Self-respect? How do you sleep with that individual ever again. I wouldn't let the man breathe in my direction. And I sure wouldn't let my children see that I am a pushover with no limits to the disrespect I'll tolerate. I won't tolerate none. None atall.

No need to waste 5yrs of your youth on loser after loser, or just one big loser the whole time. We don't get any of our time back. And it speaks to your self-image when you stay despite that gut feeling. I didn't really like myself that much during those relationships. I would always gain like 20-30lbs and end up having to work it off when I finally got out. Like I am doing right now.

Now that I am cool with me again I just don't understand how I justified those relationships to myself. It was so ridiculous. Such a waste of energy and RESOURCES.

And when the relationship ends please just cry it out. But accept your blame. There is always partial blame. The cheater might be a jerk but you picked em. That person didn't just wake up and become a cheater. Something rang an alarm in your head long before and you ignored it. So yes be mad at em but equally be upset with yourself.

Time for accountability people.

Avoid the unnecessary pain.