Am I gone forever?

I haven't written anything in awhile. Alot has happened in the last few weeks.

To keep it short, I self-destructed. Instead of retracing steps I crumbled under some immense stress and just lost my way. Now I'm exhausted and farther away from happiness than I was before.

I'm having a chit chat online with my buddy and I realized that we sound like 40yr old divorced women! Tired. Drained. Dejected. Unenthusiastic. Done!

I remember when I was a 'good' girl. 'Good' really means naive. I had the purest of hopes and dreams. Life can take a black permanent marker over your plans. I can't even remember what they were!

I just wish I could find that girl again. She existed before the loser boyfriends, the disloyal friends, debt, torn family, sex.....

So much has happened since I was 17. If I could do it all again I might just live in a cave somewhere and chill. Anything to never have jaded myself so heavily.

Things like love, decent men and fairytales seem like a joke. That shouldn't be. The world isn't all bad but it seems like I've only come across the bad; over and over and over again.

Am I gone forever? Is the real me lost forever. I pray not. That would be such a shame. I used to be the sweetest thing on two legs. Now I'm far more aggressive than I want to be but survival forces those instincts to develop.

I'll still keep a look out for fairytales and decent men(lol, that is still a funny prospect).

Can't be hopeless. I can't be lost forever.