I apologize. I've been neglecting my blog. I've been BUSY.
Just last night I spent 4hrs in the ER because since my horrific flu earlier this month I've been coughing. And not just the cute, cover your mouth, cough. I've been hacking and my body is now on strike. The ER folks had the audacity to tell me that I either have asthma or allergies. I KNOW this ain't true so I'm going to find a doctor that agrees with me.
But I'm going to share the specifics about my second colonic I had on the 25th.....
This time I used the 'open system'. This is about to be gross....lol. Please don't eat and read at the same time.
So instead of a table there is what I can best describe as a lazy boy recliner with a toilet attachment. You disrobe from the waist down and sit on this lazy boy bed and there is a big opening where your 'bum' is. That opening leads to the machine.
So the thing that is inserted is skinnier than your pinky finger. (You gotta put it in there yourself this time. It was nothing, really) The lady comes back in the room and simply turns on the water and leaves you alone. The water never gets turned off. When I start to get full and I feel the need to 'go' you just 'go'. And it goes into the machine and you can see it fly by in the tube. Quite interesting. You're just on a reclining toilet bowl for an hour. I liked it. This way I'm in control rather than her. Downside is that you can become lazy. There were about 10minutes where I just didn't feel like holding it in and pushing myself so the results weren't as great. I finally stopped being lazy the last 5minutes and I held it long and when I let it out there was quite a bit of 'stuff'.
But unlike last time I wasn't real gassy. Instead I had mucus. It looked like thinned out cotton coming out in the water. Apparently mucus has to do with inflammation. I must be quite an inflamed somebody.
But I had a pleasant time. At one point I was humming. lol.
I have one more this coming Friday. I intend to go back to the closed system this time so the technician can really push me that extra mile.....
Update will follow.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Born Again in Love
Wow Wow Wow!!!! I did soooo much this weekend. I ended it all by sleeping 14hrs. Refreshed!
I got baptized! It was the best day of my life to this point. I felt just fine without the make-up and jewelry. I sorta liked it. Cut out like 20min of prep time. My hair is so low maintenance right now I'm thinking very seriously about dreading my hair in a year or two.
When I put on the white robe and then walked into the big pool it felt a lil surreal. Being in the water you do feel the parallel of being born again. I did feel like I was giving up my old self and leaving her in that water. It was really amazing. Only way to understand is to get in there an experience it for yourself.
It was great to stand there and watch the person after me and know that ALL the crazy things I did in my life up until that point were forgotten and I have a new way to live. Not that I won't sin, just that I have a help through it all. He had an amazing story. His wife was praying for him for over a decade and he finally made the decision to do it. Tearful moment.
And my daddy came. :) I was happy he came. My friends came too. :) Thanks!!!! I need you guys to help me. Hold me accountable for the things I do that are obviously wrong. I am tryna stop cursing and drinking alcohol. So slap my hand if you see me reaching for a glass of wine or something.
Oh and yes I had to sing on the praise team. Most said we sounded aight and others (my sis, a veteran singer in church) could notice that we were uncomfortable. I think for not practicing with our musicians, having bronchitis, and not being able to hear myself in the mic we did ok. It'll be much better next time....
And there was lunch at my house. There were lots of people there. Thanks to my mom and some ladies of the church for helping with the cooking.
This blog is long so I'll do another post on the rest of the weekend's activities shortly.
Thank you to all those who came to support me. I felt sooooo very loved. Thank you for the cards and the hugs and kisses and even the tears. Thank you for spending time with me. When I looked out and saw all those people standing for me my life felt full. Thank you for loving me.
Thank you!!!
I got baptized! It was the best day of my life to this point. I felt just fine without the make-up and jewelry. I sorta liked it. Cut out like 20min of prep time. My hair is so low maintenance right now I'm thinking very seriously about dreading my hair in a year or two.
When I put on the white robe and then walked into the big pool it felt a lil surreal. Being in the water you do feel the parallel of being born again. I did feel like I was giving up my old self and leaving her in that water. It was really amazing. Only way to understand is to get in there an experience it for yourself.
It was great to stand there and watch the person after me and know that ALL the crazy things I did in my life up until that point were forgotten and I have a new way to live. Not that I won't sin, just that I have a help through it all. He had an amazing story. His wife was praying for him for over a decade and he finally made the decision to do it. Tearful moment.
And my daddy came. :) I was happy he came. My friends came too. :) Thanks!!!! I need you guys to help me. Hold me accountable for the things I do that are obviously wrong. I am tryna stop cursing and drinking alcohol. So slap my hand if you see me reaching for a glass of wine or something.
Oh and yes I had to sing on the praise team. Most said we sounded aight and others (my sis, a veteran singer in church) could notice that we were uncomfortable. I think for not practicing with our musicians, having bronchitis, and not being able to hear myself in the mic we did ok. It'll be much better next time....
And there was lunch at my house. There were lots of people there. Thanks to my mom and some ladies of the church for helping with the cooking.
This blog is long so I'll do another post on the rest of the weekend's activities shortly.
Thank you to all those who came to support me. I felt sooooo very loved. Thank you for the cards and the hugs and kisses and even the tears. Thank you for spending time with me. When I looked out and saw all those people standing for me my life felt full. Thank you for loving me.
Thank you!!!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tears had to flow
I don't cry often but I had no choice a few minutes ago. I was watching the tv in our work cafe and saw the news about the acquittal of the detectives that shot the 23yr old bridegroom on his wedding day in New York.
Tears had to flow. That hurt me. Alot. How evil the world is; how horrible humans can be towards one another. How could a judge rule this way?! It just hurts me. Alot.
I'm sure I've blogged in the past about the frivolities of life and focusing on what is really important but I must say it again. This man was only 23! He's dead and gone. Left behind the love of his life and his daughter. I wonder if as I make plans for the future are they in vain? Nicole could die tonight on her way home from work. Then the vacation I am so concerned about in July would be a non-issue.
What about today? Am I a good person today? Am I respecting and loving people? Or am I hurting them? Am I preoccupied with shoes or do I realize that people are hungry all around me? Have I ignored those around the world by changing the channel or do I keep them in my heart and in my prayers; truly? Will I settle for money or will I make my life matter.? Will I save someone from shedding a tear? Will I be remembered or will I be forgotten?
I'm not gonna lie. I am nervous about tomorrow. It's like I don't wanna sin anymore but I just can't stop. That is my nature. But I gotta stop trying and let God handle it.
The more I try not to sin the more I do. It's just like if someone tells you not to look at a spot on their shirt. You're gonna try hard but you'll look eventually. But if they told you to think about the beach instead you could do that and eventually forget about the spot. Instead of trying not to sin I'm gonna focus on my relationship with God.
I just imagine a time when all this pain in the world will go away.......far far away.
Tears had to flow. That hurt me. Alot. How evil the world is; how horrible humans can be towards one another. How could a judge rule this way?! It just hurts me. Alot.
I'm sure I've blogged in the past about the frivolities of life and focusing on what is really important but I must say it again. This man was only 23! He's dead and gone. Left behind the love of his life and his daughter. I wonder if as I make plans for the future are they in vain? Nicole could die tonight on her way home from work. Then the vacation I am so concerned about in July would be a non-issue.
What about today? Am I a good person today? Am I respecting and loving people? Or am I hurting them? Am I preoccupied with shoes or do I realize that people are hungry all around me? Have I ignored those around the world by changing the channel or do I keep them in my heart and in my prayers; truly? Will I settle for money or will I make my life matter.? Will I save someone from shedding a tear? Will I be remembered or will I be forgotten?
I'm not gonna lie. I am nervous about tomorrow. It's like I don't wanna sin anymore but I just can't stop. That is my nature. But I gotta stop trying and let God handle it.
The more I try not to sin the more I do. It's just like if someone tells you not to look at a spot on their shirt. You're gonna try hard but you'll look eventually. But if they told you to think about the beach instead you could do that and eventually forget about the spot. Instead of trying not to sin I'm gonna focus on my relationship with God.
I just imagine a time when all this pain in the world will go away.......far far away.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Nicole, naturally.
Interesting night. Very interesting.
I met with my Pastor; my final pre-baptism discussion. I had the opportunity to ask him any pressing questions and he told me some things he thought might help me in the future.
I'm not wearing any makeup or jewelry this Sabbath. Doesn't sound like a big deal to yall but it is at least significant to me. I don't wear make up that much during the week but I ALWAYS do for church; cause I'm all dressed up. I wear basic jewelry during the week but I'll pull out the major ones for church. But I won't this Sabbath. I'm going BARE.
It's a good idea that I present myself to God as just me, Nicole, naturally. I think it will humble me. I'll feel vulnerable. I like for people to say I'm pretty and it's possible that I won't feel pretty in church without my 'stuff' on.
It's a great exercise. I'll learn if I am a slave to vanity. If I'm superficial. If I need to work on another aspect of me.....
I'm beautiful regardless but I suppose I need to not let makeup and jewelry become a part of what makes me beautiful.
Interesting.
I met with my Pastor; my final pre-baptism discussion. I had the opportunity to ask him any pressing questions and he told me some things he thought might help me in the future.
I'm not wearing any makeup or jewelry this Sabbath. Doesn't sound like a big deal to yall but it is at least significant to me. I don't wear make up that much during the week but I ALWAYS do for church; cause I'm all dressed up. I wear basic jewelry during the week but I'll pull out the major ones for church. But I won't this Sabbath. I'm going BARE.
It's a good idea that I present myself to God as just me, Nicole, naturally. I think it will humble me. I'll feel vulnerable. I like for people to say I'm pretty and it's possible that I won't feel pretty in church without my 'stuff' on.
It's a great exercise. I'll learn if I am a slave to vanity. If I'm superficial. If I need to work on another aspect of me.....
I'm beautiful regardless but I suppose I need to not let makeup and jewelry become a part of what makes me beautiful.
Interesting.
Quarter-life crisis?
What a day! I am tired. I didn't really do much though. The prospect of all I have to do is making me tired.
This month has flown by. Unbelievable. Life is just flying by.
I'm thinking about happiness right now. I'm wondering what it feels like. Do people ever truly achieve it? What causes it? I want it.
I'm not sure what makes me really happy. I know what would make me content with life ( my own family), but what about attaining that extra?
A guy at my job got sick and died today. He wasn't even old. Occasionally I'll get into one of these moods where I'm thinking about the meaning of life and all that jazz. Quarter-life crisis maybe? I just so desperately want mine to mean something. SOMETHING!
Should I be waiting to experience things or should I just jump on in there. If I am true to my resolve of focusing on the things I cannot see (the permanent things) like spirituality and character and love and happiness and companionship, I should be screwing it all and following my intuition through life.
Lol. Whenever folks get into a 'love rut' they always lookin for companionship instead of a relationship. I've done that.
But anyway, I wanna spend some time sitting out on the grass looking up at the sky asking God what to do. Asking him to keep me alive long enough to make him proud of me. Cause I know I'm not right now. I always thought maybe I'd make a difference if I worked for ADRA or Red cross or something. Peace Corps maybe. A life of service would be incredible.
I wish I could see a complete video of my first years alive. Each baby is born with what they are 'bent' towards. Was I 'bent' towards science or did I do it cause I'm good at it? I wanna know what those first years of life will reveal. It would be interesting to find out that I am bent towards something totally different.
God, we need to have a chit-chat.
This month has flown by. Unbelievable. Life is just flying by.
I'm thinking about happiness right now. I'm wondering what it feels like. Do people ever truly achieve it? What causes it? I want it.
I'm not sure what makes me really happy. I know what would make me content with life ( my own family), but what about attaining that extra?
A guy at my job got sick and died today. He wasn't even old. Occasionally I'll get into one of these moods where I'm thinking about the meaning of life and all that jazz. Quarter-life crisis maybe? I just so desperately want mine to mean something. SOMETHING!
Should I be waiting to experience things or should I just jump on in there. If I am true to my resolve of focusing on the things I cannot see (the permanent things) like spirituality and character and love and happiness and companionship, I should be screwing it all and following my intuition through life.
Lol. Whenever folks get into a 'love rut' they always lookin for companionship instead of a relationship. I've done that.
But anyway, I wanna spend some time sitting out on the grass looking up at the sky asking God what to do. Asking him to keep me alive long enough to make him proud of me. Cause I know I'm not right now. I always thought maybe I'd make a difference if I worked for ADRA or Red cross or something. Peace Corps maybe. A life of service would be incredible.
I wish I could see a complete video of my first years alive. Each baby is born with what they are 'bent' towards. Was I 'bent' towards science or did I do it cause I'm good at it? I wanna know what those first years of life will reveal. It would be interesting to find out that I am bent towards something totally different.
God, we need to have a chit-chat.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
STOP!!!!!
I'm stopping. All of it. Everything. The whole drama. The play. Stopped.
I was up till about 1am this morning. Wrestling with some things. I'm struggling with my life in several ways: all comes down to, where am I headed?!
It's overwhelming me. I know this period in my life is to be about a re birthing of who I suppressed but I jumped in and now I'm tired. Really tired. And fed up over the things that aren't going according to plan.
1. My career: I'm about to let it all hang out on here. During the last few months I finally caved. I am meant to be a doctor but I've been waring with it. Because I want to be a wife and mother. I've been scared that if I pursued the MD then I wouldn't have a family. And family is number one for me. But ya know what? I cannot keep waiting for things to happen that may never be. So, I'm about to go ahead and take the first step without knowing where the end of the journey will be.
2. My health: I've been yo yo-ing since college. Probably the fourth year is when I really gained weight. I know now what causes it. My relationships. It's a very sick cycle that I'm deciding today MUST end. I'm steadily on my way back to my normal healthy weight and this time I'll stay there. Food is not the way for me to deal with stressful relationships. I simply need to not be in those ridiculous relationships to begin with.
3. My love life: I did something hard for me last night. I just stopped. Stopped making plans for it. Stopped reaching for it. Stopped anticipating it. Stopped expected it. Not because I think it will never happen but because it is stunting me. I had to cut off some ties. Close some avenues without providing detours.
4. My spiritual life: The most important of them all. I'm getting baptized this Sabbath. I realized something. I've been soooo busy that I'm missing out on this time. I should be enjoying but I'm stressed. So I'm stopping it all. Simplicity is the key to de stressing. I've been thinking about my outfit, the food for the lunch, learning the Praise Team songs bla bla bla. NONE of it has a single affect on what is about to happen this Sabbath. I'm making a commitment to walk this journey of life with God. I'm deciding that when I fall I'll still hold His hand so He can help me back up....because I WILL fall. All the time, but thank goodness for a merciful and forgiving and loving God.
Yes so last night I stopped. It all. Everything. Instead of focusing on the things that I can see (which are temporary) I'm going to focus on the things that I cannot see (which are permanent).
Try it.
I was up till about 1am this morning. Wrestling with some things. I'm struggling with my life in several ways: all comes down to, where am I headed?!
It's overwhelming me. I know this period in my life is to be about a re birthing of who I suppressed but I jumped in and now I'm tired. Really tired. And fed up over the things that aren't going according to plan.
1. My career: I'm about to let it all hang out on here. During the last few months I finally caved. I am meant to be a doctor but I've been waring with it. Because I want to be a wife and mother. I've been scared that if I pursued the MD then I wouldn't have a family. And family is number one for me. But ya know what? I cannot keep waiting for things to happen that may never be. So, I'm about to go ahead and take the first step without knowing where the end of the journey will be.
2. My health: I've been yo yo-ing since college. Probably the fourth year is when I really gained weight. I know now what causes it. My relationships. It's a very sick cycle that I'm deciding today MUST end. I'm steadily on my way back to my normal healthy weight and this time I'll stay there. Food is not the way for me to deal with stressful relationships. I simply need to not be in those ridiculous relationships to begin with.
3. My love life: I did something hard for me last night. I just stopped. Stopped making plans for it. Stopped reaching for it. Stopped anticipating it. Stopped expected it. Not because I think it will never happen but because it is stunting me. I had to cut off some ties. Close some avenues without providing detours.
4. My spiritual life: The most important of them all. I'm getting baptized this Sabbath. I realized something. I've been soooo busy that I'm missing out on this time. I should be enjoying but I'm stressed. So I'm stopping it all. Simplicity is the key to de stressing. I've been thinking about my outfit, the food for the lunch, learning the Praise Team songs bla bla bla. NONE of it has a single affect on what is about to happen this Sabbath. I'm making a commitment to walk this journey of life with God. I'm deciding that when I fall I'll still hold His hand so He can help me back up....because I WILL fall. All the time, but thank goodness for a merciful and forgiving and loving God.
Yes so last night I stopped. It all. Everything. Instead of focusing on the things that I can see (which are temporary) I'm going to focus on the things that I cannot see (which are permanent).
Try it.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Multichotomies
I'm sure everyone has heard Raheem Devaughn's new album. I love it. That and Jill Scott's new one are two of my favs for this year. (Still waiting on Mr. Maxwell to drop some love on me).
The guy that is on there with the poem (Malik Yosef I think) said one line that I can't get out of my head...'...you are God and body same as me, so I worship your dichotomy....."
It's moreso the word dichotomy. I think that's me in several ways. I don't have multiple personalities or anything but my passion is polarized and intense. I've always wanted to end up with someone that appreciates the sides of me. I've got angles and corners to my personality. I tend to veer more towards one or two in order to make things easy for who I'm with. I end up sacrificing portions of who I am and that's when at the end of it all I feel like I'm a little lost.
The first half of the line is something too. Not because he says that she is God and body but because it shows that he recognizes what he is as well. He says 'same as me'. SEXY. Please go back and read my blog 'Black men reading' to understand. Black men are mini-God's here on earth. This man seems to know that so he can write about his woman and describe her in such a way that sounds regal. He's elevated her. Yes yes, Nichova approves.
I've been admiring my own dichotomy. I don't believe in self-worship, that's opposite to the humility I strive for. And I don't admire the shapes that make me just because they exist but because God put them in there. When He breathed into my body and my soul came to be, I can't imagine His mindset. It's pretty awesome to think about. And all of us have these unique bends and curves that make us incredible.
All of mine should be adored.
Is trichotomy a word?
Quadrichotomy?
I'll say that I got multichotomies.
The guy that is on there with the poem (Malik Yosef I think) said one line that I can't get out of my head...'...you are God and body same as me, so I worship your dichotomy....."
It's moreso the word dichotomy. I think that's me in several ways. I don't have multiple personalities or anything but my passion is polarized and intense. I've always wanted to end up with someone that appreciates the sides of me. I've got angles and corners to my personality. I tend to veer more towards one or two in order to make things easy for who I'm with. I end up sacrificing portions of who I am and that's when at the end of it all I feel like I'm a little lost.
The first half of the line is something too. Not because he says that she is God and body but because it shows that he recognizes what he is as well. He says 'same as me'. SEXY. Please go back and read my blog 'Black men reading' to understand. Black men are mini-God's here on earth. This man seems to know that so he can write about his woman and describe her in such a way that sounds regal. He's elevated her. Yes yes, Nichova approves.
I've been admiring my own dichotomy. I don't believe in self-worship, that's opposite to the humility I strive for. And I don't admire the shapes that make me just because they exist but because God put them in there. When He breathed into my body and my soul came to be, I can't imagine His mindset. It's pretty awesome to think about. And all of us have these unique bends and curves that make us incredible.
All of mine should be adored.
Is trichotomy a word?
Quadrichotomy?
I'll say that I got multichotomies.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Colonic #1
I had my first colonic Friday the 18th! Whew! It was a wild scene. lol
So I thought the appt was for this coming friday and then my friend called me while he was on the way for his and then I realized......I was about to have a tube in my bum in about 1.5hrs! I wanted to cry. I thought I still had a week to get my mind right. But I think this way was actually better for me. Dove on in...
So the technician sat me down for the consult. We talked about my diet. My current health. What I wanted to accomplish. bla bla bla
I went in the bathroom, freshened up, put on that gown that opens in the back and lied down on my left side. She gave me a warm pack for my abdomen.
I SWEAR my whole body went numb as I laid there waiting....for you know what. I didn't look. I just took some deep breaths and imagined I was at the beach. lol. The worst part was over in like 1.1sec. No pain whatsoever.
This blog is gettin kinda gross......if you have a weak stomach please stop reading now.
So she cranks up the machine and I start to feel warm water entering my body. Sorta weird. Didn't hurt or anything. Just weird. I laid there while she filled me up for about 5min and then I felt a sudden sensation of being full. When the pressure became great I signaled to her and she released all the water.
This is where the story gets interesting. (I cannot believe I am typing this for the public to read) Apparently I'm full of gas bubbles. :( Each time she tried to fill me I would feel full within 10 seconds and she'd have to release the water and let all the gas and such out. This went on for about 40minutes. Finally the last ten minutes we started unearthing 'things'. Things that have been in there for quite some time. Things that were rotting and causing toxins to seep into my blood stream. Scary.
So when it was done my stomach IMMEDIATLY was flatter. It was all soft. I could poke it all the way in. I could see the potential for real abs!!! I could sing better cause I had better control over my diaphram. I felt lighter. It was great!
Really people. Yall have to get your colons and large intestines cleaned. It is the center of most disease. Migraines, problem skin, dull complexion, impaird immune system.....and the list goes on. It doesn't hurt....it's just a lil weird.
I'm going back for the next two Fridays. I bought a package deal. I'm excited to really get down to the nitty gritty in there. Get it all out and start afresh.
Anybody wanna join me?!
So I thought the appt was for this coming friday and then my friend called me while he was on the way for his and then I realized......I was about to have a tube in my bum in about 1.5hrs! I wanted to cry. I thought I still had a week to get my mind right. But I think this way was actually better for me. Dove on in...
So the technician sat me down for the consult. We talked about my diet. My current health. What I wanted to accomplish. bla bla bla
I went in the bathroom, freshened up, put on that gown that opens in the back and lied down on my left side. She gave me a warm pack for my abdomen.
I SWEAR my whole body went numb as I laid there waiting....for you know what. I didn't look. I just took some deep breaths and imagined I was at the beach. lol. The worst part was over in like 1.1sec. No pain whatsoever.
This blog is gettin kinda gross......if you have a weak stomach please stop reading now.
So she cranks up the machine and I start to feel warm water entering my body. Sorta weird. Didn't hurt or anything. Just weird. I laid there while she filled me up for about 5min and then I felt a sudden sensation of being full. When the pressure became great I signaled to her and she released all the water.
This is where the story gets interesting. (I cannot believe I am typing this for the public to read) Apparently I'm full of gas bubbles. :( Each time she tried to fill me I would feel full within 10 seconds and she'd have to release the water and let all the gas and such out. This went on for about 40minutes. Finally the last ten minutes we started unearthing 'things'. Things that have been in there for quite some time. Things that were rotting and causing toxins to seep into my blood stream. Scary.
So when it was done my stomach IMMEDIATLY was flatter. It was all soft. I could poke it all the way in. I could see the potential for real abs!!! I could sing better cause I had better control over my diaphram. I felt lighter. It was great!
Really people. Yall have to get your colons and large intestines cleaned. It is the center of most disease. Migraines, problem skin, dull complexion, impaird immune system.....and the list goes on. It doesn't hurt....it's just a lil weird.
I'm going back for the next two Fridays. I bought a package deal. I'm excited to really get down to the nitty gritty in there. Get it all out and start afresh.
Anybody wanna join me?!
Friday, April 18, 2008
Love again?
I have no idea what to talk about today. My emotions are everywhere. The inner circle is aware of my issue......
but anyways,
I'm getting tired. I'm over the not having sex thing. I was suffering from physical withdrawl the first few months but now that I've forgotten what it feels like I've passed this hurdle.
May I venture to say that I might be kinda cute. lol. My cuteness can attract a man or two and I been tellin em all 'nah I'm not dating right now'. It's not like any of them were real prospectives or anything. But still..... They ask me why and I don't know how to explain. So I don't.
Remember that Seinfeld episode when Elaine wasn't having any sex and her mind got all cloudy and she became dumb? Lol. I love the concept. I don't think it's true though. I think I might be getting smarter now that all my blood stays up at my brain.
I wonder sometimes what it will be like when I do it again. I'm sure that will be years from now. I'm on the 'wait till I'm married' tip. And since I dont have a man, or even a boyfriend, or even a guy that I like, or even a guy that I talk to on the phone...needless to say that won't be happening for a few years I'm sure.
I think second virginity is a real thing. I overstand now (lol. yes my semi-mentor has gotten me to start saying overstand instead of understand). I really do feel like I'm being birthed again into my second life. All that stuff before was me chillin in life's womb. Now the labor pains have begun. This is the last phase of the delivery and it hurts the most. But when I'm all out and cleaned off I'll have a bright future.
I wasn't meant be all sexless but I also wasn't meant to be having sex when I was. Those desires were to remain dormant until the right man came along but I screwed up so now I have to deal with the consequences. I'm quite a sexual/sensual chick. I'm in tune with myself and I've got alot to express. Guess I'll just twiggle my thumbs until such time a worthy man presents himself and I can pour it all out on him. Lucky man he is.
I will say that what I miss are the small things. Like watching a movie, shadow boxing, head rubbing( i like scalps), having someone to crack my toes, just a hug, a wink from across the room, even the arguments, the dinners, the day trips, the massages, the pecks, the naps, just sitting there breathing....
Ahh well.....one day.
but anyways,
I'm getting tired. I'm over the not having sex thing. I was suffering from physical withdrawl the first few months but now that I've forgotten what it feels like I've passed this hurdle.
May I venture to say that I might be kinda cute. lol. My cuteness can attract a man or two and I been tellin em all 'nah I'm not dating right now'. It's not like any of them were real prospectives or anything. But still..... They ask me why and I don't know how to explain. So I don't.
Remember that Seinfeld episode when Elaine wasn't having any sex and her mind got all cloudy and she became dumb? Lol. I love the concept. I don't think it's true though. I think I might be getting smarter now that all my blood stays up at my brain.
I wonder sometimes what it will be like when I do it again. I'm sure that will be years from now. I'm on the 'wait till I'm married' tip. And since I dont have a man, or even a boyfriend, or even a guy that I like, or even a guy that I talk to on the phone...needless to say that won't be happening for a few years I'm sure.
I think second virginity is a real thing. I overstand now (lol. yes my semi-mentor has gotten me to start saying overstand instead of understand). I really do feel like I'm being birthed again into my second life. All that stuff before was me chillin in life's womb. Now the labor pains have begun. This is the last phase of the delivery and it hurts the most. But when I'm all out and cleaned off I'll have a bright future.
I wasn't meant be all sexless but I also wasn't meant to be having sex when I was. Those desires were to remain dormant until the right man came along but I screwed up so now I have to deal with the consequences. I'm quite a sexual/sensual chick. I'm in tune with myself and I've got alot to express. Guess I'll just twiggle my thumbs until such time a worthy man presents himself and I can pour it all out on him. Lucky man he is.
I will say that what I miss are the small things. Like watching a movie, shadow boxing, head rubbing( i like scalps), having someone to crack my toes, just a hug, a wink from across the room, even the arguments, the dinners, the day trips, the massages, the pecks, the naps, just sitting there breathing....
Ahh well.....one day.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Organ loofah
I'm focusing on my health. I know that cancer is all airborn these days and in the water supply but I still wanna do my best to live a healthy lifestyle. When I catch cancer I'll just deal with it.
I've lost about 15lbs since September and I would like to lose another 25. I wanted it to come off slowly this time because I'm keeping it off forever. One thing I've never done is pay close attention to my organs. The fat isn't always the killer. Toxins are even worse. So below is my plan for detoxification and long lasting health.
1. Colonic : Eeeek! lol. Yes I'm gettin a flush out. I'm sorry but it's necessary. Think about it.....all that rotten such and such actually seeps back into your blood stream. The same blood stream that baths your other organs and supplies nutrients to your brain. Uh huh. I am not tryna have toxic blood. And, this almost takes care of the colon cancer risk. Gross but necessary.
2. Liver flush: The liver is integral in metabolism. Yo yo dieting has all but ruined my metabolism. When I work out it seems to get back to normal but let me miss a few workouts and I'm done for. I'll gain 20lbs off a seedless grape. My liver needs a flush.
3. Kidney flush: That Seinfeld episode when Kramer passed the kidney stones has always scared me. What the crap! Those big stones can't fit! I really really don't want to develop any. I haven't found a kidney flush program yet. Suggestions?
4. I've done holistic detoxes before. They make you feel like you can pick up a building. I need to do a blood cleaner after all these organ ones are done. Just a final knock-out to the toxins. I'm thinking to do an apple cider vinegar type of blood cleaner.
Think I'm doing alot? Yes I am. I want all this done before my 26th birthday. I wanna know what it feels like to be at my physical best. Must be incredible. The sluggish, tired feeling is not normal. I'll be capping off this process on my birthday with a day at the spa and finally....my big chop to usher in napturalness.
I wanna be one of those people that wakes up at the crack of dawn. I've done it once and it's a whole different feeling to watch the sun come up. Yes that will be me, after I take a loofah to my organs.
I've lost about 15lbs since September and I would like to lose another 25. I wanted it to come off slowly this time because I'm keeping it off forever. One thing I've never done is pay close attention to my organs. The fat isn't always the killer. Toxins are even worse. So below is my plan for detoxification and long lasting health.
1. Colonic : Eeeek! lol. Yes I'm gettin a flush out. I'm sorry but it's necessary. Think about it.....all that rotten such and such actually seeps back into your blood stream. The same blood stream that baths your other organs and supplies nutrients to your brain. Uh huh. I am not tryna have toxic blood. And, this almost takes care of the colon cancer risk. Gross but necessary.
2. Liver flush: The liver is integral in metabolism. Yo yo dieting has all but ruined my metabolism. When I work out it seems to get back to normal but let me miss a few workouts and I'm done for. I'll gain 20lbs off a seedless grape. My liver needs a flush.
3. Kidney flush: That Seinfeld episode when Kramer passed the kidney stones has always scared me. What the crap! Those big stones can't fit! I really really don't want to develop any. I haven't found a kidney flush program yet. Suggestions?
4. I've done holistic detoxes before. They make you feel like you can pick up a building. I need to do a blood cleaner after all these organ ones are done. Just a final knock-out to the toxins. I'm thinking to do an apple cider vinegar type of blood cleaner.
Think I'm doing alot? Yes I am. I want all this done before my 26th birthday. I wanna know what it feels like to be at my physical best. Must be incredible. The sluggish, tired feeling is not normal. I'll be capping off this process on my birthday with a day at the spa and finally....my big chop to usher in napturalness.
I wanna be one of those people that wakes up at the crack of dawn. I've done it once and it's a whole different feeling to watch the sun come up. Yes that will be me, after I take a loofah to my organs.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
My Reflection
My reflection has looked very different to me over the years. I dare venture to say that I had somewhat of a distorted body image when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. lol. I'm no longer in my early twenties. lol
This is what I saw when I looked in the mirror:
1. I was always fat. Even though I weighed maybe 115lbs I swore I had a gut and I had fat thighs. No one could tell me different. I look at pics now and my collar bone was protruding!
2. I had glasses and wore braces so I assumed I looked like a robot.
3. My legs looked like drumsticks. Lol. I barely had legs when I look at my pictures. I had some nerve. Both of em coulda fit in one now.
4. My shoulders were pointy. I NEVER liked to wear strapless things cause I thought I had man shoulders. Not so. I was just skinny.
5. My eyes. That is a whole other blog. I still have issues. My sister made fun of me one day and said you could hear my eyes blink. My entire family has forever made fun of my large eyes. I tried to squint in pictures so they'd look normal sized. Everything. I like em now. Screw everyone else and their small ones.
6. I have bony feet. But who the hell cares, all shoes fit me perfectly.
7. I always wanted a butt like a video girl. I have an average one. If I'm heavier I suppose there is a lil junk in my trunk but I'm aight with my normal rump. Who needs all that attention anyways. I got a brain to compensate.
8. I have a chicken pock on my face. I dont remember that it's there but people ask me what it's from all the time. I like it though. I didn't like it before.
9. My bottom lip is juicier than the top one. I tried to suck it in so they'd look even but no such luck. I dont care now though.
10. And, I've always felt short. I'm average height though so the problem lies with the lurch-girls all around me.
All these things I saw wrong with me and they were all so stupid. I would stay in the house and not go places cause of my pointy shoulders. lol. I was just thinking about it this morning on my way to work. I'm feeling sorta cute today. Yummy. Damn near gorgeous. And it doesn't matter if nobody else thinks it. That's how I feel so it's true regardless. Make-up less and all.
I was laughing at how silly I used to be. I'm heavy for the time being but I still like me. I wish young girls didn't struggle with silly hang ups like I did. I missed out on some fun times.
This is what I saw when I looked in the mirror:
1. I was always fat. Even though I weighed maybe 115lbs I swore I had a gut and I had fat thighs. No one could tell me different. I look at pics now and my collar bone was protruding!
2. I had glasses and wore braces so I assumed I looked like a robot.
3. My legs looked like drumsticks. Lol. I barely had legs when I look at my pictures. I had some nerve. Both of em coulda fit in one now.
4. My shoulders were pointy. I NEVER liked to wear strapless things cause I thought I had man shoulders. Not so. I was just skinny.
5. My eyes. That is a whole other blog. I still have issues. My sister made fun of me one day and said you could hear my eyes blink. My entire family has forever made fun of my large eyes. I tried to squint in pictures so they'd look normal sized. Everything. I like em now. Screw everyone else and their small ones.
6. I have bony feet. But who the hell cares, all shoes fit me perfectly.
7. I always wanted a butt like a video girl. I have an average one. If I'm heavier I suppose there is a lil junk in my trunk but I'm aight with my normal rump. Who needs all that attention anyways. I got a brain to compensate.
8. I have a chicken pock on my face. I dont remember that it's there but people ask me what it's from all the time. I like it though. I didn't like it before.
9. My bottom lip is juicier than the top one. I tried to suck it in so they'd look even but no such luck. I dont care now though.
10. And, I've always felt short. I'm average height though so the problem lies with the lurch-girls all around me.
All these things I saw wrong with me and they were all so stupid. I would stay in the house and not go places cause of my pointy shoulders. lol. I was just thinking about it this morning on my way to work. I'm feeling sorta cute today. Yummy. Damn near gorgeous. And it doesn't matter if nobody else thinks it. That's how I feel so it's true regardless. Make-up less and all.
I was laughing at how silly I used to be. I'm heavy for the time being but I still like me. I wish young girls didn't struggle with silly hang ups like I did. I missed out on some fun times.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Pope my Foot!!
What is going on here?! Why is this pope character so special? Isn't he just a human? He's not the Messiah right?
People do realize this I hope.
I used to be Catholic. It was such nonsense. I just didn't know better. The minute I started to read the Bible for myself I realized that I was caught up in something that didn't make any sense. From Sunday worship to confessions it was just a mess. Never again. Thank God for my deliverance!
I urge folks to please do the same. Any faith that tells you to pray to some saint (that doesn't exist) in order to have your prayer heard by God is a bald headed lie. If it was like that Jesus wouldn't have come down here and hung out with us in such a personal way. He'd a sent some top ranking angel or something. He wouldn't have let regular people talk to him. If confession was to be then folks woulda been going to the disciples and the disciples would then report it to Jesus.
This pope dude is rubbing me the wrong way. He meeting with the President! Is the president of Seventh Day Adventists gonna have a chindig with the Pres too? No! Separation of church and state people!
I am sure that God has no parts of this whole Catholic process. It's too much. Just way too much. You mean to tell me that in order to have a powow with God I have to sit in some mini-closet with a stranger and tell him what I'ma tell God?! What?! The God I serve is for ALL. We are all the same in His eyes. We all wretched sinners. Even the pontif. He aint special. We all pray and He hears us all.
I'm just irked by this papal visit. People been camped out in DC waitin for this 'man'. I promise you if Jesus took a trip down here people would try and stone Him, deny that He's the Messiah..just like His first trip. But let the pontif swing by and all of DC gotta shut down.
UGH. Pope my Foot!!!
People do realize this I hope.
I used to be Catholic. It was such nonsense. I just didn't know better. The minute I started to read the Bible for myself I realized that I was caught up in something that didn't make any sense. From Sunday worship to confessions it was just a mess. Never again. Thank God for my deliverance!
I urge folks to please do the same. Any faith that tells you to pray to some saint (that doesn't exist) in order to have your prayer heard by God is a bald headed lie. If it was like that Jesus wouldn't have come down here and hung out with us in such a personal way. He'd a sent some top ranking angel or something. He wouldn't have let regular people talk to him. If confession was to be then folks woulda been going to the disciples and the disciples would then report it to Jesus.
This pope dude is rubbing me the wrong way. He meeting with the President! Is the president of Seventh Day Adventists gonna have a chindig with the Pres too? No! Separation of church and state people!
I am sure that God has no parts of this whole Catholic process. It's too much. Just way too much. You mean to tell me that in order to have a powow with God I have to sit in some mini-closet with a stranger and tell him what I'ma tell God?! What?! The God I serve is for ALL. We are all the same in His eyes. We all wretched sinners. Even the pontif. He aint special. We all pray and He hears us all.
I'm just irked by this papal visit. People been camped out in DC waitin for this 'man'. I promise you if Jesus took a trip down here people would try and stone Him, deny that He's the Messiah..just like His first trip. But let the pontif swing by and all of DC gotta shut down.
UGH. Pope my Foot!!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Black men reading
Ok I'm doubling up on the blog today. I've missed several days because I've been so sick. I had the turbo flu extraordinaire. Right now I think I've got bronchitis. I'm pushing through without meds but if my lungs are infected I'll have to visit the doctor. I'm not breathing well in my sleep.
The previous anti mood has passed so......
I just wanted to say what I think is so sexy to me.... A man that reads a damn book! That is the biggest turn on. And please don't let it be a BLACK man reading a book. mmmm. help me.
Why dont men like to read in general? If Stacy Dash's butt is not on the cover they not interested. If anybody needs to read about history it's them. The black man has lost his place in history. None of em know what makes them special above all the rest. Black men are like mini-Gods here on earth and they don't even know it. If they knew maybe they'd carry themselves with a little more pride? Maybe they'd respect their women (their queens).
I see so much potential in black men but they look so broken down and worthless half the time. Always slouching, clothes just thrown on, poor hygiene....
Everyone knows I am a fan of a man with hair. I don't believe in the conforming to Western ideals of professionalism. Who the heck made the rule that a man with hair can't get no job?! Cornrows are somewhat juvenile but some dreads or neat twists are wassup. Neat. I think it does something for the bone structure.
Ever just look at a black man? Really LOOK. Even the ugliest of the bunch has something that screams superiority about him. Nothing makes me feel more like a woman than being in the presence of a secure black man. It's INCREDIBLE. It's humbling. Makes me relax. Almost WANT to submit to that. Yes, submit. I ain't scared of it.
I feel for the black man sometimes. They just a bunch of lost kings in search of their territory. But reading and education in general are the first step to reclaiming.
Read men, READ!!
The previous anti mood has passed so......
I just wanted to say what I think is so sexy to me.... A man that reads a damn book! That is the biggest turn on. And please don't let it be a BLACK man reading a book. mmmm. help me.
Why dont men like to read in general? If Stacy Dash's butt is not on the cover they not interested. If anybody needs to read about history it's them. The black man has lost his place in history. None of em know what makes them special above all the rest. Black men are like mini-Gods here on earth and they don't even know it. If they knew maybe they'd carry themselves with a little more pride? Maybe they'd respect their women (their queens).
I see so much potential in black men but they look so broken down and worthless half the time. Always slouching, clothes just thrown on, poor hygiene....
Everyone knows I am a fan of a man with hair. I don't believe in the conforming to Western ideals of professionalism. Who the heck made the rule that a man with hair can't get no job?! Cornrows are somewhat juvenile but some dreads or neat twists are wassup. Neat. I think it does something for the bone structure.
Ever just look at a black man? Really LOOK. Even the ugliest of the bunch has something that screams superiority about him. Nothing makes me feel more like a woman than being in the presence of a secure black man. It's INCREDIBLE. It's humbling. Makes me relax. Almost WANT to submit to that. Yes, submit. I ain't scared of it.
I feel for the black man sometimes. They just a bunch of lost kings in search of their territory. But reading and education in general are the first step to reclaiming.
Read men, READ!!
Nicole the Grouch
I'm a lil grouchy today. :(
I don't feel like talking to anybody.
I don't want anybody smiling at me.
Happiness will make me barf today.
I'm not in the mood...just not.
I wasn't sour earlier.
I think I need some endorphin injections to fix my mood.
I have a bitter flavor about me.
I wanna go back under my covers and just squeeze my eyes shut until I sleep....even though I'm not tired.
I think I'm gonna carry around a pitch fork.
I'm gonna roll my eyes alot today.
I was in a good mood like 30minutes ago.
I wish somebody would just say something completely ignorant so I can storm out waving my arms.
lol.
Aight I just made myself smile.
Nevermind.
I don't feel like talking to anybody.
I don't want anybody smiling at me.
Happiness will make me barf today.
I'm not in the mood...just not.
I wasn't sour earlier.
I think I need some endorphin injections to fix my mood.
I have a bitter flavor about me.
I wanna go back under my covers and just squeeze my eyes shut until I sleep....even though I'm not tired.
I think I'm gonna carry around a pitch fork.
I'm gonna roll my eyes alot today.
I was in a good mood like 30minutes ago.
I wish somebody would just say something completely ignorant so I can storm out waving my arms.
lol.
Aight I just made myself smile.
Nevermind.
Friday, April 11, 2008
The ONLY one
Today I'm gonna express something(s) shy Nicole usually wouldn't. I'm getting cozy on this blog (hopefully not that many people read it anymore).....
April already?! My year of purposeful singleness is coming to an end in 3 months. I didn't even realize it. Honestly, I recommend this to anyone that finds themselves coasting from one relationship to another. We all need a break.
What I've learned so far:
1. I'm shallow. My bfs were all sexy but offered not much else. They were funny and sexy. That's it. What a shame.
2. I looked outward for validation. Another shame.
3. My weight is DIRECTLY related to my relationship stress level. A horrible shame.
4. My hair doesn't define me. I can still be NicHova without long straight hair. A blessing.
5. I'm still going to be a work in progress even after my year is over. I'll always strive to be better....not different. A basic truth.
6. I gots a temper and I can no longer let it rule me. A breakthrough.
7. I am guilty of intellectual snobbery. A wretched shame.
8. The real me wears her heart on her sleeve.....that's uncomfortable but it's me so I have to embrace it. A trait of beauty.
9. I am an engulfing spirit bent towards the care of others. A long awaiting revelation.
10. I only really like a handful of women. A mystery.
11. I have regrets I will always live with. A sad past.
12. I had/have a void my father should have filled. A healing.
13. I will always be misunderstood. A shoulder shrug.
14. Love for me is a way of life, not a feeling. A smile.
15. Not all love comes back. A final acceptance.
I am the ONLY one that can say these things.
April already?! My year of purposeful singleness is coming to an end in 3 months. I didn't even realize it. Honestly, I recommend this to anyone that finds themselves coasting from one relationship to another. We all need a break.
What I've learned so far:
1. I'm shallow. My bfs were all sexy but offered not much else. They were funny and sexy. That's it. What a shame.
2. I looked outward for validation. Another shame.
3. My weight is DIRECTLY related to my relationship stress level. A horrible shame.
4. My hair doesn't define me. I can still be NicHova without long straight hair. A blessing.
5. I'm still going to be a work in progress even after my year is over. I'll always strive to be better....not different. A basic truth.
6. I gots a temper and I can no longer let it rule me. A breakthrough.
7. I am guilty of intellectual snobbery. A wretched shame.
8. The real me wears her heart on her sleeve.....that's uncomfortable but it's me so I have to embrace it. A trait of beauty.
9. I am an engulfing spirit bent towards the care of others. A long awaiting revelation.
10. I only really like a handful of women. A mystery.
11. I have regrets I will always live with. A sad past.
12. I had/have a void my father should have filled. A healing.
13. I will always be misunderstood. A shoulder shrug.
14. Love for me is a way of life, not a feeling. A smile.
15. Not all love comes back. A final acceptance.
I am the ONLY one that can say these things.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Electron Orbitals
It's just hard sometimes. It just is....
I'm at work. One of the Drs just upset me. They all upset me for the same reason. There are aspects of their jobs they don't know that well. (These are docs that sit behind desks and dont do research or see patients) Instead of taking responsibility for their lack of knowledge they shove blame somewhere else....occasionally that means me. I can't deal with that. And ofcourse because they have a PhD I'm supposed to act like they can do no wrong. NOT ME. I refuse, absolutely refuse to do a jig for anyone because of their own pride.
But why though. Why does it have to be this hard. The human ego is such a disgusting force. There are people here at NIH that won't bother looking you in the eye when they pass in the hall because you don't hold the same level degree they do. I swear this is true. I've always just looked at it as a mere function of time. Give me enough time and I'll be where you are, if I want to be that is. I'm only 25 for goodness sakes.
Co-workers tell me to just let it go. Don't let em get to you. That's just how they are. That's not acceptable for me though. I'm a human being. I don't deserve to be talked down to, especially when I know more about the topic. I've stayed out of Grad school this long to make a wise decision about where to take my career. This experience has showed me that I don't want to be a PhD in my actual field. Maybe in a soft science but not BioChem. I don't want those jerks to be my coworkers.
I'm once again leaning towards the MD. But not the snooty MD that don't give two damns about people. I think I wanna go far away and help people that really truly have a need. I'm just so tired of the hierarchy. Can't folks just do what they wanna do to the best of their ability and not be treated as less than? And it doesn't happen to me all that often but I see others deal with it constantly. That chips away at your self esteem even if you don't realize it.
Degrees have never impressed me. The smartest people I know didn't even finish elementary school. I'll sit at their feet and let them drop knowledge on my forehead for eons of time. I wanna be one of those people one day. My kids not gonna wanna hear about electron orbitals, they'll want me to teach them something........
Life Changing.
I'm at work. One of the Drs just upset me. They all upset me for the same reason. There are aspects of their jobs they don't know that well. (These are docs that sit behind desks and dont do research or see patients) Instead of taking responsibility for their lack of knowledge they shove blame somewhere else....occasionally that means me. I can't deal with that. And ofcourse because they have a PhD I'm supposed to act like they can do no wrong. NOT ME. I refuse, absolutely refuse to do a jig for anyone because of their own pride.
But why though. Why does it have to be this hard. The human ego is such a disgusting force. There are people here at NIH that won't bother looking you in the eye when they pass in the hall because you don't hold the same level degree they do. I swear this is true. I've always just looked at it as a mere function of time. Give me enough time and I'll be where you are, if I want to be that is. I'm only 25 for goodness sakes.
Co-workers tell me to just let it go. Don't let em get to you. That's just how they are. That's not acceptable for me though. I'm a human being. I don't deserve to be talked down to, especially when I know more about the topic. I've stayed out of Grad school this long to make a wise decision about where to take my career. This experience has showed me that I don't want to be a PhD in my actual field. Maybe in a soft science but not BioChem. I don't want those jerks to be my coworkers.
I'm once again leaning towards the MD. But not the snooty MD that don't give two damns about people. I think I wanna go far away and help people that really truly have a need. I'm just so tired of the hierarchy. Can't folks just do what they wanna do to the best of their ability and not be treated as less than? And it doesn't happen to me all that often but I see others deal with it constantly. That chips away at your self esteem even if you don't realize it.
Degrees have never impressed me. The smartest people I know didn't even finish elementary school. I'll sit at their feet and let them drop knowledge on my forehead for eons of time. I wanna be one of those people one day. My kids not gonna wanna hear about electron orbitals, they'll want me to teach them something........
Life Changing.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Breathing
Whew!! What a weekend. I attended a million things and at the end of it I got sick. And not just cough cough sneeze sick. I almost exploded one of my lungs. The raindrops felt like bullets against my skin. I spent three days in my bed, lost a few pounds, but I'm back in business today. Operating at about 77%.
My room was like a dungeon. I tried to switch it up a lil and cover up in a light colored sheet instead of my brown comforter. I thought maybe I could steam the virus out of me by sitting in a hot shower for an hour. No such luck. My sis irritated me so while she was at work I hacked it up on her bed and watched Maury. lol.
Health is so priceless. I was miserable. I can't remember being so sick. I'm sure this was the worst flu I've ever had. Today at work an email was sent out to inform us that our coworker's brother was found dead. Unbelievable. What the heck! I swear I need to take better care of myself. I might only be in my 20s but before I know it I'll be 30. I don't want to die of a heart attack when I'm 39 because of all the fried chicken I ate when I was 27. That won't be cool.
Steve Harvey made a point Monday morning. People keep striving for all these high paying jobs and assets yet neglect their health. Why? We can spend years tearing down our bodies with stress to achieve these goals and not live long enough to enjoy it.
I had an anxiety attack in church this past Sabbath. I read about it to make sure that's actually what happened to me. All week prior I ran myself completely ragged. COMPLETELY. To the point where I didn't notice it anymore. I barely slept. I didn't even pray. I made it to church and the atmosphere forced me to calm down. After the children's story I found it difficult to get a deep breath. My heart was beating out of my chest, I got really hot suddenly, and I felt a crazy urge to start crying. I got up and went for a walk but one of the Elders saw the worry in face and sat with me. Crazy right? I felt I'd lost control of my faculties. That is the power stress can have over our physical beings. Never again will I let the worries of the world take me over.
Breathing.
My room was like a dungeon. I tried to switch it up a lil and cover up in a light colored sheet instead of my brown comforter. I thought maybe I could steam the virus out of me by sitting in a hot shower for an hour. No such luck. My sis irritated me so while she was at work I hacked it up on her bed and watched Maury. lol.
Health is so priceless. I was miserable. I can't remember being so sick. I'm sure this was the worst flu I've ever had. Today at work an email was sent out to inform us that our coworker's brother was found dead. Unbelievable. What the heck! I swear I need to take better care of myself. I might only be in my 20s but before I know it I'll be 30. I don't want to die of a heart attack when I'm 39 because of all the fried chicken I ate when I was 27. That won't be cool.
Steve Harvey made a point Monday morning. People keep striving for all these high paying jobs and assets yet neglect their health. Why? We can spend years tearing down our bodies with stress to achieve these goals and not live long enough to enjoy it.
I had an anxiety attack in church this past Sabbath. I read about it to make sure that's actually what happened to me. All week prior I ran myself completely ragged. COMPLETELY. To the point where I didn't notice it anymore. I barely slept. I didn't even pray. I made it to church and the atmosphere forced me to calm down. After the children's story I found it difficult to get a deep breath. My heart was beating out of my chest, I got really hot suddenly, and I felt a crazy urge to start crying. I got up and went for a walk but one of the Elders saw the worry in face and sat with me. Crazy right? I felt I'd lost control of my faculties. That is the power stress can have over our physical beings. Never again will I let the worries of the world take me over.
Breathing.
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Drum Major Instinct
I was late to work this morning....as usual. I havent been getting alot of sleep. I was up till almost 2am (had to get my hair did). So yes I couldnt get up at 7am for work.....
I listened to a few of Dr. King's speeches on my way to work. Please Please Please people....listen to The Drum Major Instict. He preached a word to me on my way to work that had me in tears. Not even the two tear drops but the real ones with the shoulder jerks and everything. I needed to hear that at that very specific time on this specific day.
After I let it all out I realized that Dr. King was just a mere man. A regular person like you and me. He held the Lord's hand though. His mind was wide. He focused on the things of this world that really do matter. In a blog last month I wrote about what I wanna do with my life; how I cannot allow the media of the West to numb me to the point where I can eat my dinner peacefully while young girls are raped in Africa. Just shouldn't be like that. Speaks volumes of our characters.
I want to mean something special and change something for someone's life. The world at large is groaning and no one is listening.
Please listen to that sermon. http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/publications/sermons/680204.000_Drum_Major_Instinct.html
I listened to a few of Dr. King's speeches on my way to work. Please Please Please people....listen to The Drum Major Instict. He preached a word to me on my way to work that had me in tears. Not even the two tear drops but the real ones with the shoulder jerks and everything. I needed to hear that at that very specific time on this specific day.
After I let it all out I realized that Dr. King was just a mere man. A regular person like you and me. He held the Lord's hand though. His mind was wide. He focused on the things of this world that really do matter. In a blog last month I wrote about what I wanna do with my life; how I cannot allow the media of the West to numb me to the point where I can eat my dinner peacefully while young girls are raped in Africa. Just shouldn't be like that. Speaks volumes of our characters.
I want to mean something special and change something for someone's life. The world at large is groaning and no one is listening.
Please listen to that sermon. http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/publications/sermons/680204.000_Drum_Major_Instinct.html
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Math
Ok so I sorta regret yesterday's blog. I meant every word but I reread it and I come across threatening.
Ah well....
I really forgot what I was gonna write about so this will comprise my random thoughts:
I've developed an equation this morning for a reasonable number of sexual partners for the average unmarried woman before she is considered a slut.
S > 0, where S = # of STDs contracted outside of a presumptive monogamous relationship
&
R > 0, where R = # of random sexual partner.
This equation is quite liberal. So unfortunately if you do not satisfy the equations you are or for a period of time in your life you were definitely a slut. LOL.
This is the result of mental exhaustion. Isn't is scary that math is the result?
If more explanation is needed for any parts of my equation please post a comment.
Ah well....
I really forgot what I was gonna write about so this will comprise my random thoughts:
I've developed an equation this morning for a reasonable number of sexual partners for the average unmarried woman before she is considered a slut.
For UMW = Slut, where UMW = unmarried woman
if any of the following are satisfied,
S > 0, where S = # of STDs contracted outside of a presumptive monogamous relationship
&
R > 0, where R = # of random sexual partner.
This equation is quite liberal. So unfortunately if you do not satisfy the equations you are or for a period of time in your life you were definitely a slut. LOL.
This is the result of mental exhaustion. Isn't is scary that math is the result?
If more explanation is needed for any parts of my equation please post a comment.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Still Hating.
As I type this I am listening to Jill Scott.....Hate on Me. Seems fitting.
I'm tryna be a good person. I really am. I'm trying not to cuss folk out. I'm trying not to be a b*tch. But how much longer I can hold out I don't know. Some people really don't learn to stop hating until you clip em in the throat.
Haters. I have plenty. I don't say it to be cocky like I have something everyone should hate on but I have haters none the less. It's a reality. They've been lurking in the shadows of my confidence since elementary school. Ofcourse they are females.
I need to understand why though? Why is it that when a woman attains success (no matter the kind) other women MUST hate. Something as simple as growing out your perm and loving your real hair becomes a problem for some. Before I didn't mind; I somewhat welcomed it. But since I entered this time of growth and transformation I really do want to get along better with women and maybe even befriend a few.
I have a temper. I'm working on it. But haters, and I know some of you read my blog faithfully, don't make this journey more difficult by forcing me to check you. I'm a funny person and I like to laugh but I'm not a joke. I can only take so much phoniness. If you don't like me please leave me alone cause I probably don't like you either. No loss. We all grown now. Who cares?! Not everyone is necessary to me. (Unbelievable that I am 25 writing this mess)
I find it crazy that haters sprout up like weeds around you the minute you start to do good for yourself. They love it when you are doing wrong or even worse, doing nothing. But let you realize how amazing you are and heifers just start to grow horns and carry pitch forks. Let you start embracing your worth and the avid sluts take offense.
And another thing, passive aggression doesn't work on me. Sorry. I like myself WAY too much to care. Thats for little girls. And WHO STILL DOES THAT?!?! Gosh!
I am really a sweet person people, but I had to let a few haters know to chill in a subtle way. Just because I'm about to get baptized does not mean I'm a pushover or that you won't be confronted in a not so subtle way if you don't chill. (....making me feel like I'm borderline compromising my faith)
I'll resume normal blogging tomorrow.
So sorry to all those who don't hate.
I'm tryna be a good person. I really am. I'm trying not to cuss folk out. I'm trying not to be a b*tch. But how much longer I can hold out I don't know. Some people really don't learn to stop hating until you clip em in the throat.
Haters. I have plenty. I don't say it to be cocky like I have something everyone should hate on but I have haters none the less. It's a reality. They've been lurking in the shadows of my confidence since elementary school. Ofcourse they are females.
I need to understand why though? Why is it that when a woman attains success (no matter the kind) other women MUST hate. Something as simple as growing out your perm and loving your real hair becomes a problem for some. Before I didn't mind; I somewhat welcomed it. But since I entered this time of growth and transformation I really do want to get along better with women and maybe even befriend a few.
I have a temper. I'm working on it. But haters, and I know some of you read my blog faithfully, don't make this journey more difficult by forcing me to check you. I'm a funny person and I like to laugh but I'm not a joke. I can only take so much phoniness. If you don't like me please leave me alone cause I probably don't like you either. No loss. We all grown now. Who cares?! Not everyone is necessary to me. (Unbelievable that I am 25 writing this mess)
I find it crazy that haters sprout up like weeds around you the minute you start to do good for yourself. They love it when you are doing wrong or even worse, doing nothing. But let you realize how amazing you are and heifers just start to grow horns and carry pitch forks. Let you start embracing your worth and the avid sluts take offense.
And another thing, passive aggression doesn't work on me. Sorry. I like myself WAY too much to care. Thats for little girls. And WHO STILL DOES THAT?!?! Gosh!
I am really a sweet person people, but I had to let a few haters know to chill in a subtle way. Just because I'm about to get baptized does not mean I'm a pushover or that you won't be confronted in a not so subtle way if you don't chill. (....making me feel like I'm borderline compromising my faith)
I'll resume normal blogging tomorrow.
So sorry to all those who don't hate.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
My Milk Chocolate love
I feel like writing about music this morning. I happened to press the wrong station this morning and got a sampling of Russ Parr :( I really hope adults are not still listening to that mess. I listen to Steve Harvey so I can hear the Stawberry Letter when I drive to work but after that I pretty much don't listen to the radio. I listen to CDs and such that I have compiled from my favorite artists.
Here are my favorite artists right now and my favorite song they've written and performed:
Ms. Nina Simone - this woman truly does defecate on the microphone (Lauryn Hill's words)
-You'd be so nice to come home to - Listen to it over and over again but focus on the different instruments. She's incredible. Indescribable.
Rachelle Ferrell - the new face of classic jazz. Loving her range, her expression, her timbre (lol music appreciation word)
- My funny Valentine - No forreal, I have heard dozens of arrangements but this chick just...
Luther Vandross - I was too young to really appreciate him when he was here but let me tell you, this man singin some love songs.
-Here and Now - Everyone knows this. The words.....
Jill Scott - She helped me feel comfortable with my sensual spirit (thats different from sexuality).
- Only You - from her newest album. I can actually hit all the notes in this one (lol) so I feel it more.
Raheem Devaughn - He aint much to look at but he is much to listen to. He and my next artist can both occasionally stir up a funny feeling inside me.
- Desire, When Hearts beat as one - When I used to enjoy an occasional glass of wine, I'd sip something with my patchouli oil burning....write what I feel music.
Mr. Maxwell - He gets a 'Mr' in front of his name. I know the words to every single song he has ever sung. I don't even know how to describe what he does to me with his music. I saw him in concert, he was dancing behind a curtain with a spotlight on his silhouette...didn't make no sense. - Symptom Unknown, Silently- I shudder to think of these two songs.
Carlos Santana - He can strum. lol.
-El Farol - no lyrics but it still speaks to me.
Erykah Badu - I like how she just don't care.
-Orange Moon - I don't even know why.
Sade - almost forgot my girl!
-All about our love - I listen to it when I drive aimlessly. Feel like I'm flying sometimes.
Benjamin Andre - no forreal I love him. All jokes aside. This feeling I have for him is very very real. I don't have celebrity crushes besides this man right here. This is borderline lusting but I think he is the epitome of sexiness. Just mmmm. Milk Chocolate love. Swagger for days. Wears what the heck he wants and has the nerve to look good in it. Just Mr. 3000 I am yours. LOL.
-Prototype- well duh. The way this song makes me feel will have to be the way the next person I date makes me feel or I'm waving my finger at him.
Other artists to listen to - Lauryn Hill, Bob Marley, Kem, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Sarah Vaughn, Norah Jones, Prince, Pink Floyd, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, The Roots, Fertile Ground, Frank Sinatra to name a few
So I'm talking about music today so people can possible go outside of what the radio plays. This Souljaboy, FloRida , Lil Mama crap is giving me hives. It's almost insulting to be constantly entertained by that type of music. It's fun once in a blue moon or maybe at college parties but not for adults. It rots your brains.
Music for thought.
Here are my favorite artists right now and my favorite song they've written and performed:
Ms. Nina Simone - this woman truly does defecate on the microphone (Lauryn Hill's words)
-You'd be so nice to come home to - Listen to it over and over again but focus on the different instruments. She's incredible. Indescribable.
Rachelle Ferrell - the new face of classic jazz. Loving her range, her expression, her timbre (lol music appreciation word)
- My funny Valentine - No forreal, I have heard dozens of arrangements but this chick just...
Luther Vandross - I was too young to really appreciate him when he was here but let me tell you, this man singin some love songs.
-Here and Now - Everyone knows this. The words.....
Jill Scott - She helped me feel comfortable with my sensual spirit (thats different from sexuality).
- Only You - from her newest album. I can actually hit all the notes in this one (lol) so I feel it more.
Raheem Devaughn - He aint much to look at but he is much to listen to. He and my next artist can both occasionally stir up a funny feeling inside me.
- Desire, When Hearts beat as one - When I used to enjoy an occasional glass of wine, I'd sip something with my patchouli oil burning....write what I feel music.
Mr. Maxwell - He gets a 'Mr' in front of his name. I know the words to every single song he has ever sung. I don't even know how to describe what he does to me with his music. I saw him in concert, he was dancing behind a curtain with a spotlight on his silhouette...didn't make no sense. - Symptom Unknown, Silently- I shudder to think of these two songs.
Carlos Santana - He can strum. lol.
-El Farol - no lyrics but it still speaks to me.
Erykah Badu - I like how she just don't care.
-Orange Moon - I don't even know why.
Sade - almost forgot my girl!
-All about our love - I listen to it when I drive aimlessly. Feel like I'm flying sometimes.
Benjamin Andre - no forreal I love him. All jokes aside. This feeling I have for him is very very real. I don't have celebrity crushes besides this man right here. This is borderline lusting but I think he is the epitome of sexiness. Just mmmm. Milk Chocolate love. Swagger for days. Wears what the heck he wants and has the nerve to look good in it. Just Mr. 3000 I am yours. LOL.
-Prototype- well duh. The way this song makes me feel will have to be the way the next person I date makes me feel or I'm waving my finger at him.
Other artists to listen to - Lauryn Hill, Bob Marley, Kem, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Sarah Vaughn, Norah Jones, Prince, Pink Floyd, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, The Roots, Fertile Ground, Frank Sinatra to name a few
So I'm talking about music today so people can possible go outside of what the radio plays. This Souljaboy, FloRida , Lil Mama crap is giving me hives. It's almost insulting to be constantly entertained by that type of music. It's fun once in a blue moon or maybe at college parties but not for adults. It rots your brains.
Music for thought.
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