Immortal Beloved

If you have not seen the Sex in the City movie please don't continue reading this blog.

It's 3:08AM. Just got back from seeing the movie with my sis. Whew! I never really watched the show but I really enjoyed the movie. The acting was somewhat corny but the story was incredible to me.

I LOL alot but I had a steady lump in my throat the whole time.

Carrie. Her story is the story of so many women! I figured I'd see very little of myself in her character and I was right.....except for the pain. There were a few scenes where the pain she felt of a broken heart mimicked my life.

I've had my heart torn out of me three times. It literally hurt to breathe. The first time I thought I'd never ever smile again. The second time was by far the hardest. I was a zombie for about 9months. I remember just living in a distant fog. The third time I remember just crumbling to the floor and holding my stomach. I've experienced some real unbearable pain in my relatively short life. I've always managed to get through them by myself. I've never shared what has happened to me on an emotional level. I've told my friends the details of the circumstances but never how it's made me feel. Huh. Guess I should have.

It hurts me to watch women in pain from heartbreak. And I mean true heartbreak. None of my heartbreak was as a result of someone cheating on me. I actually think I could tolerate that more. I was discarded. I wasn't valued. I was used. I was manipulated. I was torn. Men literally cannot feel as much emotional pain as we can. They were not made with the capacity to even understand it.

I don't think I've dealt with it yet. I thought I had but obviously I haven't if a fictional movie brings those experiences to the surface. The woman I am today most definitely was born of strife. The woman I used to be I truly miss. I miss me alot. I was so innocent and hopefull. Now I'm logical about everything, even about love and emotions. I really don't want to feel those horrible feelings again. This is how I cope although I know I can't do it forever.

I guess I'm a little mad. Of all people I don't think I ever deserved to go through so much emotional devastation. So why me? What do you do differently to avoid these things. Love less? I look at teenage girls and I want to literally cry at times because I can see their future. They are in for such an eye opening surprise. One day in the future they 'll lose that sparkle in their eyes.

Before I went to the movie I was thinking about how I've forgotten what a kiss feels like. I really have! I've forgotten how to hold hands even! I was wondering if I'll ever experience those things again. Seems like a forever away.

Carrie ends up marrying Mr. Big despite the pain their relationship caused her. I think about if I'll end up like that. ..maybe I'll take a look at my past and find that is where the love is.

I just want to smile. Forever. Is that too much. I don't even care to live long. I just want to smile for the years that I am living. I've done enough of the sad and upset.

An Immortal Beloved. What a concept. What a treasure. What an expectation.

'My' Shooting Star

I love me!

Ever feel that way about yourself? It's a cool feeling to have. And to genuinely have it.

I am chubby. I got about 25lbs of fat distributed across my body. My hair is in some weird phase of 3.83 quarters natural and 0.17 quarters perm. I gots a puffy circle under my right eye. My right pinky toe is developing a corn :( The tattoo on my hip doesn't quite look the same. My top lip is skinnier than the bottom. The nail on the middle finger of my right hand grows crooked. And the list goes on....

BUT

I really really love me.

:)

I wish everyone would feel this way about themselves. Of course God got me to this place of euphoria. Sorry but He's the only way. We were made to reflect love. We're lil flowers and we grow when we are watered with love and affection and attention. I'm trying to reflect the love expressed by God!

Just like on a small scale we feel unsure of ourselves if our parents never showed us any love. Same goes here. People in abusive relationships are often the most unsure, shy individuals you'll ever meet.

Think about the most beautiful place you've ever been to. Imagine that the whole scene was created just to make you smile. Wouldn't you feel special?

Imagine that waterfalls and starfish and diamonds and sunsets etc were all made just for you. Or crystal clear waters and dolphins and giraffes and fluffy clouds and morning dew and gentle breezes and cresting waves were made just to entertain you.

I saw a shooting star when I was watching the moon rise this weekend and I felt so special. Like God was putting on a show for me. Sounds silly but I believe it's real.

Accept God's gifts to you through creation and then you'd understand how God makes me feel!

Precious Peace

Feels like an eternity since I've written a blog. I had a wonderful weekend! I went on a retreat to Meadowkirk, VA. God lead me to that place. I've always thought of church retreats as pretty corny but I went to this one anyways and I was proven terribly wrong. It was one of the best experiences of my life.

I experienced peace. I've been camping and experienced quite a bit of the outdoors in my youth but never experienced peace. You can't understand peace unless you've been through storms. The bigger the storms and stresses the more extraordinary the peace is when you experience it.

Since I've returned to civilization I feel an urge to keep the peace going day to day. I am at work and church and home so there are stresses bombarding me constantly. I try sometimes not to sprinkle so much 'God' into my blogs but I really cannot help it. He is the source of all good things. The only way to truly stay in peace throughout life is to have a daily reinforced relationship with God. Knowing Him makes the drama of this world seem so insignificant. It's like I'm thinking outside and beyond my circumstance.

I've noticed that the majority of my stress is my own fault. I take on too much. Or I deal with the ridiculousness of the people I care about. Or I try to fix everything. Or I try to use every talent I've got all at the same time. Or I let myself get so busy that I don't bask in the peace of God's promises. I can control all of these things. I'm going to control all of these things.

Order brings peace. It's not gonna be easy but I'm gonna have to say 'no' in order to maintain order. I'm gonna have to say no to some church activities. I'm gonna have to say no to my boss occasionally. I'm gonna have to say no to myself when I get carried away with a new hobby.

There aren't enough hours in the day to do all that I think is important. So some important things simply won't get done because I cannot get back to the high stress level that became a part of my life. It's not ok nor is it cute. Women seem to think that the more they do the more significant they are. I'm guilty of this. I feel like Superwoman with a big ole 'N' on my chest for 'Nichova'.

But it's literally killing me. Nope. Those days are over. Time for me......

My apologies

I'm soooo sorry. This has been a hectic week. I simply have no time to blog.

I will get to it by this evening hopefully. If not..... :(

But there is enough material on this blog site to occupy an interested reader.

I suggest you view my Congrats to the Nichova Chronicles blog. It will give a list of the best ones thus far.


Apologies.

Where are you?

It's official. I am a fan of me and my boring life.

I didn't realize how chill my life has become. I know it's not normal for a healthy, single 25yr old woman to enjoy her own company but I really do.

I can't blog about the events of my weekend because I honestly wouldn't know where to start. I'll just say that it was very interesting and I learned alot about me. I learned that life will never again be the same now that my eyes have been opened to so many things.

On my way home last night I realized that I miss my naiveté. I miss the chick I was as a teenager. When I started college I had a such beautiful outlook on life and love. I still do but I'm so jaded by knowledge.

It's like I've eaten the biggest fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Wish I never ate the fruit but I was forced to. In this world you either gotta eat the fruit or die. Better learn to survive or give up. It's a bitter intelligence I've acquired.

Now I understand the plight of a parent. You bask in your child's ignorance but with the knowledge that if you don't teach em then the world will teach em the way of things. Either way their world will turn from white to grey.

I wonder if there is anyone out there like me. Anybody that knows how the 'game' of life is played but doesn't wanna play it at home. Doesn't wanna play it when it comes to love and God. I know I gotta play along when I step outside my house but is there anyone out there that won't play along in love?

Listen, I'm 25 and single so I think about who, if anyone, I can blend my spirit with. Who, if anyone, can breathe out when I breathe in. I know so much now that it makes the possibility of such a someone seems improbable. I'm tired of the world and I want to create my own haven with someone tired of it too.

Does anyone exist that won't just lay it out on the table regardless of....? Heck, I'm at the point now where if I don't like someone I'ma just say it. If I love someone I'ma just tell em. Might surprise people but oh well. I'm tired of playing chess (even though I win 99% of the time).

There has got to be someone plain and simple like me. That wants to just live life, marvel at God's creation, laugh hard, think, read, explore, dance, sing, write, create, kiss, yawn, wink, love and be loved...........
Or

at least love me for loving all these things.

Where are you?

Devastation, Hope

It's late. Just got back from a Women's program at a Wesleyan church. Never been to one. It was cool. My cousin was performing and I wanted to see him. His mom is the one that passed away last night.(read my previous blog for background)

God is soooo good! Tonight I recognized how he has worked in my cousin's life. He got up to sing and said that this morning he wasn't God's friend. He was upset with God. His mom had been taken from him. But by this afternoon he and God are friends again. PRAISE GOD.

He started singing his song and in the middle of it just broke down. The words got to him. I witness the devastation that I fear so much. I looked at him bent over that pulpit crying over his mom and I just felt like my whole world would end like his must have.

Grief is so scary. It looked like he had a pain in him that he couldn't get out no matter how hard or how long he cried. Nothing would ease that pain. Nothing but God. And God did. He sure did.

When you worship God through your grief you'll reach out for depression but you never find it. You have a hope that most don't have because you understand death. Even in your darkness you see a light far out to look towards. You understand God's perfect plan to end this pain.

I saw devastation tonight and it scared me. But then I saw healing and I felt some relief. He'll be in pain for probably years to come but he's gonna hold God's hand through it so he'll make it.

By the end of the night I could see his lively spirit again in his eyes. He joked with me. Made ME laugh. Unbelievable.

That's what God can do.

Fearing Devastation

Speechless. I don't know where I'm going to find the words for this one.

My mom JUST called me to tell me that someone in our family died last night. Unexpectedly. A very very close friend to my grandfather. His best friend. They grew up together and they are the same age. My mom called to tell me that my grandfather is not taking it well at all. My day just ended.

I remember Antie Carmen but not in detail. I remember the last time she visited she was sooo lively. Feisty lady in GREAT health. How sobering. How shocking. How humbling.

You know how it is when you are bombarded with so many emotions that nothing can be expressed. You just sit there. I'm just sitting here.

I knew her. I cannot say I loved her because I did not know her that well. But I love my grandfather. If he's scared then I'm scared too. He just turned 76 a few weeks ago. I think that if I lose my grandfather my life will forever change. I cannot imagine the grief. My mind rejects the thought.

My grandparents keep my family together. Without them we probably wouldn't even speak half the time. Sabbath lunch is our one and only fellowship. The Patriarch and Matriarch are the rocks of my life.

I make comments about how I wish Jesus would come and just end this world's story. I really mean that. And secretly it's because I don't want to experience the loss of my family members. We've been so fortunate thus far. No one in our immediate family has passed away. I lost my Dad's parents many years ago but I'd only met them each maybe twice. It hurt me but I wasn't devastated. I fear the devastation.

When my mom called I was worrying about how I'm gonna lose the last 15lbs before my birthday.

Sure not thinking about that anymore.

Pee on my lawn?

If you had a house and your neighbor kept peeing on your lawn what would u do? Would you let it continue un-addressed and just be depressed about your discolored yard? Would you create a cozy path your neighbor could use to easily access your lawn so he could pee on it? Would you build a fence to protect your yard? Or would you confront your neighbor and make it clear that that behavior simply won't be tolerated?

Silly suggestions right? Most of us would just tell the neighbor to stop it and some would build a fence at the most. The other two seem ridiculous. But I wanna know why is it we wouldn't let someone pee on our property but we let people 'pee' all through our lives unchecked or confronted. Some people even help the pee-er pee on the lawn!

I'm reading a book entitled 'Boundaries'. It is a GREAT book. Had I read it years ago I'da saved myself some drama. It's a biblically based book that explains the need to have boundaries and stick to them to not only protect yourself but to protect the relationships that are important to you.

Any time you grudgingly agree to do something you end up secretly resenting the person that asked. All you had to say was no. Your time is YOURS.

Any time you allow a disrespectful behavior in a relationship you are giving that person permission to repeat it. Your silence means it doesn't offend you. Speak up or don't get mad when it continues.

I'll admit that since I've 'changed' I've become impatient with some emotions. lol. My thinking is even more linear than before. Honestly I simply don't care if someone gets a lil offended because I've taken ownership of my time, my surroundings, what I expose my mind to, bla bla bla. It's MY life. Sorry but I've got standards over here.

Allowing yourself to be taken advantage of repeatedly is a sign of low self esteem. These people don't regard themselves enough to require more. So anything goes. Just pee everywhere. If your neighbor just let everyone pee on his lawn you'd assume he didn't care about his lawn. Same thing here. It's really really sad to watch this dynamic in folks' lives.

And if you stay in the 'boundaries' you set up in your relationships it keeps you from carrying someone else's load. It's becoming easier for me to let people deal with their own mess because I can distinguish between a load and a burden. I'll help you carry your burdens but not your loads.

Burdens are excessive loads not meant to be carried by one person, like a death or sudden financial ruin... As a Christian it is my duty to help unburden those around me. If my shoulders aren't enough then it may take many of us to help someone with their burden.

Loads are the daily backpacks we all need to carry. Relationships are loads and we are all responsible for our own. So I'm letting folks carry theirs and I'm worrying about mine. I'll give you advice about how best to carry your load but I WONT carry it for you. Two loads will break my back!

I hope I don't seem selfish but these boundaries protect me and the integrity of my relationships. I maintain my emotional stability and they learn grown strong enough to carry their loads for themselves.

God does this with us. He has made it CLEAR what he will and will not tolerate. God saves us from our burdens but he lets us learn to carry our loads so we can make it through this life. He's got boundaries. If you value yourself you'll have boundaries too.

Do you? Ask yourself, 'what DON'T you allow?'

Losing or Gaining?

It's the truth. Making a stance for God means you have to let go of things that you once held dear. I'm not talking about stupid stuff like alcohol and sex and cursing......I mean real things like love and friendship and desires.

I know that when I was created God had this perfect idea for how my life should go. In order to fullfill my purpose he gave me talents and gifts and insights unique to me. But ofcourse, I used my free-will to turn away and do my own thing.

Now I'm trying to get back on His path but while I was doing my own thing I actually acquired some good things. I acquired some cool friends. I picked up some interesting habits. I began to desire certain things. And ofcourse I found love.

None of those things are necessarily bad; they just weren't for me. So now is the painful part. I've got to let go of the 'treasures' I gathered if they don't fall in line with what my life is supposed to be.

Imagine this. At one point in my life I KNEW who I would spend the rest of my life with. As soon as I started listening to God I realized that I was wrong. I'm wrong but the love still nags.

Imagine this. I had very specific career goals. Now that I'm tapping into my God-given talents (since he's showed them to me) I realize that my 'callling' might be something TOTALLY different.

Imagine this. As I pray the actual desires of my heart change. I no longer pray for the same things because I simply pray that I will instead desire what God has in store. He's got the best presents!

So am I losing or am I really gaining? Sort of balancing the scales except there are much cooler gadgets on the new side of the scale. I'm losing things and people but I'm making some really cool friends and discovering that some I already had are much cooler than I ever imagined. I understand that love is more than what I envisioned. That what I felt/feel for that lost love doesn't compare to what will come....

It does sorta hurt inside nonetheless. No matter how wrong I was for bonding myself to the wrong things/people, the feelings I've developed are no less real.

But time heals all and God is never ever wrong.

You'd be so nice......

I'm not upset anymore. I've moved on....

I have a list of things to talk about but I'm taking a mental break today.

Lyrics to my favorite song:

You'd be so nice to come home to
You'd be so nice by the fire

While that breeze on night sings a lullaby
You'd be all my heart could desire
Under stars chilled by the winter
Under an August moon shining above

You'd be so nice you'd be paradise
To come home to and love

At times I'll just put that song on repeat and let it play for hours. It's simple but soul stirring. My favorite version is performed by Ms. Nina Simone. She plays the piano to lead it in for almost 4minutes. Majority of the emotion is in her piano interpretation of the music. I'm ready to burst before she ever sings a note.

Everyone that appreciates REAL music has a song that is them. This song is me. All I need to hear is the first piano note and my mood is automatically shifted and my eyes close. Anyone that 'gets' this song also 'gets' me.

What song is you?

I AM ANGRY!!!

You know what?! I am sooooo ANGRY right now. I don't get like this often. I am not at my rage level yet but I'm sitting quite nicely on ANGRY.

This morbidly obese heifer at my job was caught doing the unthinkable by my friend/coworker. While I was downstairs getting breakfast he saw her spraying my plants with BUG SPRAY!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! And I know it's true cause when I got back she said 'Nicole don't worry if you smell something funny cause I sprayed my desk with some bug spray.' Her desk NOT MINE OR MY PLANTS.

I am fighting the urge to beat her over the head with my phone receiver. IS SHE CRAZY?!?!?!

Everyone in here knows that my plants are like my children. I care for them with love and diligence. I recently brought in an Azalea. She flowered nicely but about two weeks ago she began to die without reason. She isn't absorbing her water completely and I decided to take her home today for intensive treatments. But I guess the mystery has been solved. Fat Robotnic has sabotaged me.

What should I do. I am thinking the most unChristian thoughts right now. She walked in the office a moment ago and I couldn't hold back my 'MMMM'!!. I wanna flip out in the worst way. But no. This requires thought. I will retreat to my lair tonight and ponder the ultimate revenge.

For now, when she asks me to edit her illiterate emails I will refuse. When she asks me some simple math question I will give her the incorrect answer. I will step on her toe 'accidentally' and possibly unplug her mouse and keyboard from her PC.

THE NERVE OF THIS MONSTER!!!!!!

Emergency!!!

I gotta get the word about this silent killer.

My story:
My job is stressful. I have volunteered myself for a trillion church things. I have BILLS. Not bills but BILLS. I have a deadline for achieving my weight loss. And my family puts an enormous amount of pressure on me for greatness.

So,
I've been under the weather for almost two months now. Various ailments have plagued me. I kept feeling a cold coming on but I fought it off twice in March. Early April I succumbed but it was the superflu that got me. I was laid up in my bed for days. Once that was done I had a lingering cough that just left a few days ago. I had to go to the Emergency Room because the cough was so bad my entire body was in pain from the strain.

I've had some chronic chest pains since February. I ofcourse ignore pain if it's not extreme but Saturday night it got extreme and I once again found myself in the emergency room. So far they can't find anything wrong with me except anemia. I have an appt to see my Internalist Monday.

Scary stuff aint it. I didn't even mention the migraines and extreme fatigue and scoliosis that affects my posture. I sound like a leper :(

But in the hospital I learned something shocking. Almost all of my ailments might be caused by stress!!! I am literally aging myself by allowing stress to actually become a part of my life. I've been under severe stress for so long that I feel like it's normal. When I felt pure peace a few weeks ago I found myself having a panic attack in church.

This is just craziness. All the 'circle' members know that I am focusing on my health (spiritual and physical) but I think it comes down to me just saying 'no'. I cannot be all and do all for all people. I want to help everyone and take care of everything but it's not possible. I get it all done but at the cost of my health?!

I need to learn to just nibble at things instead of taking such huge bites of problems at a time. Every muscle in my body has been engaged and it even hurts to turn my neck at work. Funny how this crept up on me. Never would have realized what was going on had I not ended up in the hospital.

Never again. My one and only project for now is learning how to first de-stress, then setting up protective boundaries for my life so I am never so loaded again. We all need at least 40minutes to ourselves...awake not sleeping.

Take a look at your life and make sure this isn't happening to you. I'm single without any kids. I don't drink or smoke yet my body still folded from stress. I'm sure alot of you mothers out there are so stressed it's affecting your health as well.

Be careful people!

Naked

I'm back!

I attended a Conference for Women yesterday and I've got blogging material for at least a good month. Please visit regularly so I can drop some knowledge on your foreheads.

It is Sabbath morning right now. I'm waiting for my lil cousin to get out of the shower so I can get in (she takes forever).

I think I've changed. ALOT. I wore my face full of make-up yesterday for the conference for the first time since my baptism. I felt SOOOO unconfortable. I don't think I can do it anymore. The exercise the Pastor forced me to do seems to have made a big difference in my life. I simply feel better as the natural me. The whole day I felt like a clown with facepaint on.

Later in the afternoon I went to get my biweekly mani-pedi. I got my favorite shade of green on my toes and I got a cute neutral on my fingers. I must say that I prefer the neutrals. The green feels awkwardish.

I don't think my change has anything to do with religion or faith or any of that. I think it has to do with acceptance. The real me does not have bright red lips or green toes. lol. I've been wearing make-up for so long that the natural me got lost in all the shades. I don't advocate for either or. I just know for me I'm going to try and enhance what I already look like naturally.

I gave it some thought at the nail shop. My nail lady is so beautiful to me. And then I realized I've never seen her with a stitch of make-up or loud nail colors or anything. She's beautiful to me BECAUSE she's cozy with herself the way she is.

So look forward to me sporting myself with a far more neutral pallet of shades....if I wear any at all.

Oh and I had the same experience with my jewelry.

CONGRATS TO THE NICHOVA CHRONICLES!!!

YEAH!!!. I just realized that I've hit a blogging milestone. 50 blogs!!!! So to celebrate the occasion I will list my top 10 blogs thus far in descending order then name the winner.

Honorable Mentions

Nicole the Grouch
i like me.

No Regrets Please
realization

Math
utter randomness. yet cute and intelligent.

Gotta Get My Life Together
interesting observation

10. Milk Chocolate Love
about music..nuff said

9. My Inner Circle
about my friends..nuff said

8. Worth
about me..nuff said. lol

7. Women Shave your Legs!!!
something that was on my chest for awhile

6. Black People
mmm

5. Nicole, Naturally
:)

4. Can I Rub Your Head and Wash Your Hair
bigger :)

3. Caribbean Massive
about my men..nuff said.

2. Black Men Reading
my gift to my brothers

1. The ONLY one
my gift to myself


And my absolute favorite is.........(Drum roll Please)................................................................................

Rape & Divorce

This blog flowed like water out of me. The truest lesson I've learned about how I became 'that girl' full of scars.

I am proud of my blog. When I re-read some of my blogs they seem really interesting to me. I make myself laugh quite a bit. NicHova's cool!! Tell ya friends about me!!

btw....the other blogs that didn't make the list are just as good....please spend some time and enlighten yourselves with the knowledge I drop like hot fiyah.

LOL.

Yall married?

Ok I just finished the previous blog and I feel impressed to write another. I am doing no work today.

So I know quite a few people dealing with cheating 'mates'. Not like in a marriage or anything, just the regular relationship. It really hurts my heart to see this happening. People are mixing themselves up in relationships that mimic marriage but really aren't. Girls especially. All it takes is for that man to call you 'wifey' and you cooking him dinner and hand-washing his boxers. Shouldn't it take more than that for you to start performing wifey duties....like being a real WIFE. Stop giving folks access to all you are before they make some sort of serious serious commitment to you. If you aint a wife stop acting like one! You're gonna get hurt badly.

People that live together make this mistake alot. I lived with a boyfriend before and I felt like I was supposed to be cooking dinner and he should be taking out trash and all that. But let's be real. That's wasn't my husband! People get all confused. You are only dating this individual. So when the relationship ends...and most do, you end up having to divide up not only possessions but your emotions; far more than you would have otherwise.

I'd also like for someone to explain to me how it is you can forgive a cheating mate? I could NEVER. I don't care if I have 50kids with the man I am LEAVING. I don't know how you can forgive even the suspicion of cheating. If the man allowed a situation to occur that gives off the impression of cheating I'm LEAVING. Maybe cause I'm just super loyal so I expect the same. I cannot comprehend how women are internalizing this and forgiving. No way in the world. Someone please tell me how this is done. Please. Are yall not feeling? Is self-esteem that distant. Self-respect? How do you sleep with that individual ever again. I wouldn't let the man breathe in my direction. And I sure wouldn't let my children see that I am a pushover with no limits to the disrespect I'll tolerate. I won't tolerate none. None atall.

No need to waste 5yrs of your youth on loser after loser, or just one big loser the whole time. We don't get any of our time back. And it speaks to your self-image when you stay despite that gut feeling. I didn't really like myself that much during those relationships. I would always gain like 20-30lbs and end up having to work it off when I finally got out. Like I am doing right now.

Now that I am cool with me again I just don't understand how I justified those relationships to myself. It was so ridiculous. Such a waste of energy and RESOURCES.

And when the relationship ends please just cry it out. But accept your blame. There is always partial blame. The cheater might be a jerk but you picked em. That person didn't just wake up and become a cheater. Something rang an alarm in your head long before and you ignored it. So yes be mad at em but equally be upset with yourself.

Time for accountability people.

Avoid the unnecessary pain.

Hurt People

This past Sabbath was Singles Sabbath at church. It was quite interesting. We had a Seventh-Day Adventist Clinical Psychologist as the guest speaker. She's also the head of Singles Ministries for the North American Division of SDAs.

Singleness in church is so interesting. If you go unmarried for a long time people start trying to pair you off with someone. It's almost like something is wrong with you if you don't find a mate. But the Psychologist made a good point. There is a shortage of men in the world but there is an even greater shortage of men in the church. Most church women want to marry a church man and that is NOT easy to do. And it's only getting worse as time goes by.

But the most eye opening portion of Saturday was the evening question and answer session. I realized that the women in the church are in various forms of pain. All of them had some traumatic experience. Some were molested or raped as young girls. Some were in abusive marriages. Abusive relationships. Loveless relationships. The usual was a verbally/emotionally abusive situation that they stayed in for the sake of their kids.

My age group was under-represented but I have an idea of what women my age are dealing with. I got friends same age as me already divorced. Single mothers. Abusive relationships; I was in one of these myself.

I realized that my year of non-dating and self exploration was well spent. I've been dealing with alot my issues. I was a very hurt person. The traumatic experiences of my life simply compounded and I can honestly say I was an emotional zombie. I wasn't fit to be in a relationship. I have a few things I really wanna delve into still. I think women need to deal with their hurts. We are carrying them into our relationships. Yes men are to blame also but we need to do our part and not burden them with our issues subconsciously.

I think I was a b*tch in one of my relationships. I was sooo naive in the one prior. The hurt from the first caused me to just flip to the other extreme. It wasn't guy #2's fault that guy #1 was an ass. And though they were both not for me I still didn't need to do my part to escalate the situation. By the time I got to guy #3 I was all over the place. That one ended up being abusive in a very interesting way. He didn't outright hit me but he was so dangerously passive aggressive I think I woulda preferred taking a beating.

Pain is only for a season if you allow yourself to process it. Don't block it up until you forget about it and think it's ok to date someone new. That person will have to deal with your past even if you don't realize it.

Love is out there for all of us. I trust that God has my person already picked out. I'm dealing with my issues now so he won't have to in the future.

Hurt people hurt people.

Huge Hamburger.....

Ok. So I can't even write. I took 3X the dosage of psyllium husks (a bulk forming fiber) and I can't think straight. It feels like I've swallowed a huge hamburger without chewing it.

This is in preparation for my final colonic. I am only drinking water and tea until this colonic in 4hrs. I want to get it ALL out. ALL of it.

I feel for the technician lady.....it's gonna be a wild scene in there.

LOL.

Caribbean Massive.....

Aight. So my friend had up a blog post and I left a comment. http://prettynpnk-n-randomshyt.blogspot.com/2008/04/im-going-to-hell-now.html

Basically I cannot with a clear conscience recommend that someone date a Jamaican, Trinidadian, Tobagonian or a Haitian man. Unless of course I know the man personally and he's proven to be decent.

These islands produce unfaithful men. Period. Nowhere in their minds does the thought of monogamy exist. And honestly, the women of these islands know it and pretty much accept it. They don't even flip out that much when these men are caught cheating. If you wanna call it 'caught' cause they rarely try to seriously hide it.

Now I'm not a 'hater' as her 'man-friend' called me this morning. Not at all. I LOVE the men of the Caribbean. Actually I am loyal to em. I know that I'm going to marry one of them or I won't get married at all. I need one of them to take charge of me. I can be a handful. I don't think African American guys have what it takes to truly get inside my mind and calm me. They are just so potent; in every way. I need a peanut punch drinkin man. Their maleness is undeniable. Overpowering. It's just so....mmm.

YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! I'll shampoo ya locks. Oh gosh.

MMM. let me stop for a second and breathe.............................................................................................................aight I'm back.

I'm West Indian so I know these things. I'm going to recommend a few islands to those women who, like me, cannot date men other than those from the West Indies.

1. St. Lucia - this is my dad and his side of the family. They are quite cute. All of my millions of cousins are very attractive. They tend to have dreads alot as well; always a plus. These men are hard workers and take care of their children. They cheat but not on the high levels of the Jamaican and Trini man. You need to give this man sex all the time and keep your body right. They like eye candy. They are linear thinkers like me and my dad. French inspired accents.

2. St. Kitts (the Virgin Islands in general) - these ones are pretty friendly. Social. Not so rugged if you like that type. I'd dare to say maybe a lil sensitive. I can't stand soft men but some girls do. More prone to show their emotions. And of course, all men have the potential to cheat, but these are more in tune with such things as love and crap. lol. Good luck.

3. Grenada - They don't do the dreads so much so I'm not sure. They are more of the home building type of men. More church men I think per population. Average on the attractive scale. Nothing special. Just decent men. I have seen some ashy heels on a few of these. The accent is cute.

4. Barbados / Bahamas / Antigua - now my mom recommended these for me. I don't know many personally but I would suspect they are chill characters. If I had to chose I'd pick Bahamas then Barbados based on looks. I like a darker but silken man. lol. I'm crazy. Antiguans are lighter. No can do. I feel the light skinned ones are lacking in potency, lil watered down.

5. Guyana - technically not the West Indies, actually South America. But they share our culture so they get included. I dated one of these for quite some time. They are similar to Trinidad I believe; maybe because they are so close to each other. Now these know how to cook. I like that ALOT. They got the indians like Trinidad but you can easily find a pure black one. The accent sounds comical to me but it's an accent so...... The food is great. Curry like I like. This one is hard for me to call cause the one I dated is making it hard for me to make blanket statements. He has dreads now and I don't think he's the cheating type...so take it for what it is when making your decisions.

I'm not familiar with the men of most of the other islands too much. I really must big up my St. Lucians though. If I wasn't probably related to the whole island I'd marry me one of them. They are the cutest by far. Complete package for me anyways. Oh yeah, they cook too. My dad can throw down far better than my mom.

Not to toss Trini and Jamaica to a corner.....they are great too......EXCEPT they cannot be faithful. Plain truth of it all.

btw....Nichova will re-enter the dating world in July. Watch out world!