I was driving to work this morning and I heard on the radio that Gerald Lavert's younger brother died this weekend at the age of 39 I believe. I have no idea what the guy looked like and I was never a fan of their music but the news was still very sobering. Those parents have lost both of their children in under a year. God help them. I have no children but I have people I love and the pain I would feel in losing any of them pales in comparison to what their parents must feel.
I wondered about death. It doesn't scare me. I'm a sinner and I mess up every single day but I feel secure that I'll be saved. My little cousin asked me a million questions about death on Friday. She went to the new Human Body exhibit in Baltimore and saw all those dead people and body parts. She was paranoid about death. But what is the need for paranoia? The dead know nothing. For those dead in Christ it is a mere sleep. I've been ASLEEP before and I might as well have been dead. Once a whole day had past and I didn't know. I've undergone surgery. The anesthesia was SERIOUS. I have no idea what occurred during that period of time. But I know it didn't hurt, I wasn't scared, I simply knew nothing. Not so bad.
One old lady at church said how she's sick of this life anyways. She's lived long enough and she's tired of payin bills. lol. She's secure in her fate. I wanna experience a few things before my time but I'm sure Gerald and his brother wanted to as well. They never thought their lives would end so suddenly. I could leave for lunch in a few minutes and not make it back. Then what? It happens to someone every day. Young and old.
This is repetitive I know but I really do feel like I'm wasting time not doing and saying all the things that are important to me. What if the people I need to say something to aren't here much longer? I have alot of those in my heart. People will think I'm crazy if I just tell them I love them outa the blue. Or that I'm sorry. Living each day like it's your last is a real thing. It's the reason why getting up and going to work each day bugs me so much. Is this really all my life is to be? Impossible.
No Regrets Right? So if I'm true to me then I can't do this much longer. I'll have to shun the pretenses and delve into what satisfies me. Forget protocol and really 'talk' to a few people.
..........Deep inhale............strong exhale.........and off I go.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sick and bored.
So I'm sick today. This is a total waste of my Sunday. I've been in my room since 5pm Saturday afternoon and I havent been able to eat a meal. But I guess I needed the rest so no more complaining.
This blog often serves as an online diary for me. I know I should be more private because I have no idea who is really reading it but forever I've been told that I'm a closed, cold person. It's not true. I suppose I enjoy being candid. When I was a teenager I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but as my heart started getting abused I tucked it away and parts of me died. Now new breath has been breathed into them and I can remember who I used to be, who I as before the hurt. Kinda cool.
This whole business of following your heart.... I'm stuck in a not so cool situation right now. My heart tells me to consider someone that logic tells me not to. I'm trying to give myself time and hopefully this business will sort itself out. But the more I wait the louder I hear that whisper to move forward with it. I'm Nichova afterall and Nichova simply doesn't take well to rejection. Might be the reason why I've only approached one guy in my entire life. I really just dont know what to do and I feel like I never will.
I know I wrote that blog about No Regrets Please but still....I get scared sometime. I'm human. One inner circle member suggests that I just take that leap regardless of the consequences and another suggest a more cautious approach....making sure it's really worth it. Matters of the heart can be so sometimey ya know.
If this nagging feeling doesn't leave me then I guess I won't have a choice...I'll have to explore it despite my fears. Fears keeps you from having meaningful experiences.
I've prayed about it. I've asked God to let my desires fall inline with His. I've even asked God to silence my desires all together. They get on my nerves. I know patience is the key to making right decisions.
My year of reflection will come to a close in July and I'm actually nervous about it. I'm sorta cozy. I fear that stepping out again will lead to the drama I've escaped all these months. It's given me an excuse to be selfish. lol. Always a plus. I've got another 3.5 months to myself before I have to do something about my problem. Hopefully it goes away before then.
I don't usually write blogs on Sundays.....btw CONGRATS THERESA!!!! you're finally a mommy. :)
This blog often serves as an online diary for me. I know I should be more private because I have no idea who is really reading it but forever I've been told that I'm a closed, cold person. It's not true. I suppose I enjoy being candid. When I was a teenager I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but as my heart started getting abused I tucked it away and parts of me died. Now new breath has been breathed into them and I can remember who I used to be, who I as before the hurt. Kinda cool.
This whole business of following your heart.... I'm stuck in a not so cool situation right now. My heart tells me to consider someone that logic tells me not to. I'm trying to give myself time and hopefully this business will sort itself out. But the more I wait the louder I hear that whisper to move forward with it. I'm Nichova afterall and Nichova simply doesn't take well to rejection. Might be the reason why I've only approached one guy in my entire life. I really just dont know what to do and I feel like I never will.
I know I wrote that blog about No Regrets Please but still....I get scared sometime. I'm human. One inner circle member suggests that I just take that leap regardless of the consequences and another suggest a more cautious approach....making sure it's really worth it. Matters of the heart can be so sometimey ya know.
If this nagging feeling doesn't leave me then I guess I won't have a choice...I'll have to explore it despite my fears. Fears keeps you from having meaningful experiences.
I've prayed about it. I've asked God to let my desires fall inline with His. I've even asked God to silence my desires all together. They get on my nerves. I know patience is the key to making right decisions.
My year of reflection will come to a close in July and I'm actually nervous about it. I'm sorta cozy. I fear that stepping out again will lead to the drama I've escaped all these months. It's given me an excuse to be selfish. lol. Always a plus. I've got another 3.5 months to myself before I have to do something about my problem. Hopefully it goes away before then.
I don't usually write blogs on Sundays.....btw CONGRATS THERESA!!!! you're finally a mommy. :)
Friday, March 28, 2008
Can I rub your head and wash your hair?
I missed a day yesterday. My apologies.
I was on the phone for quite some time having a chit chat with my buddy late last night. The conversation zig zagged and we landed on the topic of mate choosing...of course. lol
Results:
My sis gave me a sermon to listen to titled 'Dating for Dummies'. It was hilarious. Here is some of what I learned.
We all should have a list of Must Haves and a list of Preferences. For example, a man must have a job, yet I prefer to date men with hair and strong hands. lol.
The Must Haves list needs to include character traits and spiritual aspects. For instance, I need an honest, trustworthy man that loves his maker and whose spirit breathes with mine.
I should have made a list of simple things like this a long time ago. I realized that I've been picking men that fulfill my preferences but not my must haves. My boyfriends have all been quite sexy BUT.....
It's important not to compromise on your must haves just because someone has all the preferences. It can be tempting but it will most certainly end tragically. Preferences tend to be those things that sweep you off your feet while the must haves are more basic yet essential. I think this is why we often see progressive women with no job havin' losers. The loser is usually attractive and is probably a great lover. Or we see a decent God fearing man with a long haired hussy with a big booty. She can barely read but she'll do 'anything' (if you know what I mean).
Alot of the happily married people I find have compromised on some of their preferences but the must haves are all intact. The guy might not be all almondy but he got a job and you're his priority. The woman might have a strong jawline and a few more naps than desired but she's nurturing and supportive.
So sorry but I CANNOT compromise on the hair thing. I think I'm gonna just move it off my preference list and make it a must have. Playing with a man's hair and massaging his scalp....mmm.... I just can't live without that for the rest of my life.
I've heard that the sexual stuff needs to be on the must have list. Disagree. You cannot be tryna build relationships because the person can throw down in that arena. Another notch for the celibacy column. My judgment isn't clouded. And honestly things of that nature can be acquired through steady instruction. Just make sure the person is willing to learn and it'll work out. Can't do the opposite. Character is NOT acquired through instruction. Don't bother trying to change who someone is so they can be on the list. Waste of time.
Ok I need some inspiration for topics other than relationships.....
Enjoy your weekend peoples!
I was on the phone for quite some time having a chit chat with my buddy late last night. The conversation zig zagged and we landed on the topic of mate choosing...of course. lol
Results:
My sis gave me a sermon to listen to titled 'Dating for Dummies'. It was hilarious. Here is some of what I learned.
We all should have a list of Must Haves and a list of Preferences. For example, a man must have a job, yet I prefer to date men with hair and strong hands. lol.
The Must Haves list needs to include character traits and spiritual aspects. For instance, I need an honest, trustworthy man that loves his maker and whose spirit breathes with mine.
I should have made a list of simple things like this a long time ago. I realized that I've been picking men that fulfill my preferences but not my must haves. My boyfriends have all been quite sexy BUT.....
It's important not to compromise on your must haves just because someone has all the preferences. It can be tempting but it will most certainly end tragically. Preferences tend to be those things that sweep you off your feet while the must haves are more basic yet essential. I think this is why we often see progressive women with no job havin' losers. The loser is usually attractive and is probably a great lover. Or we see a decent God fearing man with a long haired hussy with a big booty. She can barely read but she'll do 'anything' (if you know what I mean).
Alot of the happily married people I find have compromised on some of their preferences but the must haves are all intact. The guy might not be all almondy but he got a job and you're his priority. The woman might have a strong jawline and a few more naps than desired but she's nurturing and supportive.
So sorry but I CANNOT compromise on the hair thing. I think I'm gonna just move it off my preference list and make it a must have. Playing with a man's hair and massaging his scalp....mmm.... I just can't live without that for the rest of my life.
I've heard that the sexual stuff needs to be on the must have list. Disagree. You cannot be tryna build relationships because the person can throw down in that arena. Another notch for the celibacy column. My judgment isn't clouded. And honestly things of that nature can be acquired through steady instruction. Just make sure the person is willing to learn and it'll work out. Can't do the opposite. Character is NOT acquired through instruction. Don't bother trying to change who someone is so they can be on the list. Waste of time.
Ok I need some inspiration for topics other than relationships.....
Enjoy your weekend peoples!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Solution
My co-worker buddy pointed something out to me after reading 'Rape and Divorce'. Probably over 80% of people will be raped or divorced, according to my standards, before they are married! That is such a horrible pseudo-statistic. But, could that be the reason why more than half of marriages end in divorce? Could that also be why 75% of black mothers have never been married?....which is also linked to the rate of black men currently in prison raised fatherless. I believe all of these things are related somehow. Is there a solution? I think there is.....it's women.
1. If women stopped having random/casual sex there wouldn't be fatherless children. Men have ALWAYS been on the prowl for 'some'. But back in the day a lady was really a lady. She was a prize. Men had to wooo her. Marry her to get the prize. He had to show not only her but her family that he was going to take care of her and their future children. A man without a job wasn't even a man worth talking to. But now, women are just spreadin' em' to whomever cause he's 'sexy' or 'he loves me' or some nonsense like that. He don't got no job and no plan for his future let alone hers. He'll have sex with her, live with her, even split the bills but he won't marry her. Next thing you know.......a baby is born. Daddy never truly loved Mommy (or he would have committed himself to her) so he has a complex about loving her offspring. Yes it's half his but he can't shake that half that is her. So he walks away. I don't think all these men are cowards...some of them just don't wanna deal with the mothers. Not saying that's right but it's reality.
2. Women we need to get back inside the house and stop the ridiculousness. I got my degrees and I'm sure my intelligence is somewhere along the lines of genius :) but I know what my priorities would be. The FIRST role of a wife or mother is to take care of family and the home. Of course not everyone can do that but lots can. They just think it's beneath them to do it. If at all possible, stay home and raise your young kids. I do agree that when they are older it's time to get back to work. I HATE to see women with grown kids still at home acting like they doin something contributory. Ya not! Get to work! At least part-time, PTA leader, Girl Scouts......SOMETHING. No one can love your kids like you can. That job and extra income isn't a necessity all the time.
Sorry if I sound antiquated but I think women are to blame for a lot of these problems. This whole women's movement nonsense has messed us all up. Suddenly we want to do everything a man can do when we aren't men! Why in the world should a woman be a fireman or a construction worker. Our bodies were not designed for that kind of labor. I swear if women closed their legs more often they could solve many of the world's problems.
I need to do some work ( I do have a job believe it or not )
1. If women stopped having random/casual sex there wouldn't be fatherless children. Men have ALWAYS been on the prowl for 'some'. But back in the day a lady was really a lady. She was a prize. Men had to wooo her. Marry her to get the prize. He had to show not only her but her family that he was going to take care of her and their future children. A man without a job wasn't even a man worth talking to. But now, women are just spreadin' em' to whomever cause he's 'sexy' or 'he loves me' or some nonsense like that. He don't got no job and no plan for his future let alone hers. He'll have sex with her, live with her, even split the bills but he won't marry her. Next thing you know.......a baby is born. Daddy never truly loved Mommy (or he would have committed himself to her) so he has a complex about loving her offspring. Yes it's half his but he can't shake that half that is her. So he walks away. I don't think all these men are cowards...some of them just don't wanna deal with the mothers. Not saying that's right but it's reality.
2. Women we need to get back inside the house and stop the ridiculousness. I got my degrees and I'm sure my intelligence is somewhere along the lines of genius :) but I know what my priorities would be. The FIRST role of a wife or mother is to take care of family and the home. Of course not everyone can do that but lots can. They just think it's beneath them to do it. If at all possible, stay home and raise your young kids. I do agree that when they are older it's time to get back to work. I HATE to see women with grown kids still at home acting like they doin something contributory. Ya not! Get to work! At least part-time, PTA leader, Girl Scouts......SOMETHING. No one can love your kids like you can. That job and extra income isn't a necessity all the time.
Sorry if I sound antiquated but I think women are to blame for a lot of these problems. This whole women's movement nonsense has messed us all up. Suddenly we want to do everything a man can do when we aren't men! Why in the world should a woman be a fireman or a construction worker. Our bodies were not designed for that kind of labor. I swear if women closed their legs more often they could solve many of the world's problems.
I need to do some work ( I do have a job believe it or not )
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Rape and Divorce
Strong title huh? Well it's a serious topic.
I've been raped and I've been divorced several times, but not in the traditional ways.
My rapes:
I've had about 4 real boyfriends in my life. My definition of a real boyfriend is someone I've dated for more than 6 months (that's when the really real starts). I discovered that I've been raped by 3 out of the 4. Here is what I mean by rape: I 100% believe that when you lie to a person, withhold information, misrepresent yourself in anyway that you KNOW will result in the end of a relationship, each time you lay with that person you are committing an act of rape. That person wouldn't be willing to give themselves to you had you not deceived them. If a man cheats on his woman then returns to her and lays with her.... he has raped her. He has taken away her choice by withholding that information.
Not all of the information has to be about cheating...s/he could have lied about having a job, school, family.... whatever.... If that information might have determined if you would have stayed in the relationship, that is all rape to me.
My divorces:
I've been divorced twice. At the time I could honestly say that I loved them with all that I had in me. When those relationships ended they had the same emotional impact on me as a divorce. It was a prolonged depression that followed. Food aint taste right. Part of me died forever. The second one might as well have been a real divorce because we had assets to divide. lol. But honestly, what I'm saying is real. I have been divorced and it literally took years to recover.
I wonder....how many of us have been raped? How many divorced? You're heart doesn't know that you didn't get a marriage certificate. He might not have held you down but he still took it from you. The physical trauma might be less but the emotional is still the same. The violation is very real. Imagine that by the time many of us reach the alter we've been raped and divorced several times!
Time heals but not all wounds. These types of scars must be tended to in a special way. I had to take ownership for mine and stop blaming my rapists and ex-husbands. I handed my fragile heart to them and just let em do whatever. They didn't deserve that gift yet. I didn't make them prove that they could take care of it. What else could I expect? Humans don't appreciate things they didn't have to earn.
I've gotten to the point where I rarely blame anyone but myself for the things that happen to me. If I listen to my intuition and consult God for guidance first I can avoid most of it. But I'm hard headed you see. It took three rapes and two divorces for me to get it finally.
Your virtue as a woman protects you from these emotional crimes. Protecting your treasures is the best way to avoid the trauma but if you don't even realize you've got treasures then you won't protect them. Most women don't even know what they have.
I know what I have.... :)
I've been raped and I've been divorced several times, but not in the traditional ways.
My rapes:
I've had about 4 real boyfriends in my life. My definition of a real boyfriend is someone I've dated for more than 6 months (that's when the really real starts). I discovered that I've been raped by 3 out of the 4. Here is what I mean by rape: I 100% believe that when you lie to a person, withhold information, misrepresent yourself in anyway that you KNOW will result in the end of a relationship, each time you lay with that person you are committing an act of rape. That person wouldn't be willing to give themselves to you had you not deceived them. If a man cheats on his woman then returns to her and lays with her.... he has raped her. He has taken away her choice by withholding that information.
Not all of the information has to be about cheating...s/he could have lied about having a job, school, family.... whatever.... If that information might have determined if you would have stayed in the relationship, that is all rape to me.
My divorces:
I've been divorced twice. At the time I could honestly say that I loved them with all that I had in me. When those relationships ended they had the same emotional impact on me as a divorce. It was a prolonged depression that followed. Food aint taste right. Part of me died forever. The second one might as well have been a real divorce because we had assets to divide. lol. But honestly, what I'm saying is real. I have been divorced and it literally took years to recover.
I wonder....how many of us have been raped? How many divorced? You're heart doesn't know that you didn't get a marriage certificate. He might not have held you down but he still took it from you. The physical trauma might be less but the emotional is still the same. The violation is very real. Imagine that by the time many of us reach the alter we've been raped and divorced several times!
Time heals but not all wounds. These types of scars must be tended to in a special way. I had to take ownership for mine and stop blaming my rapists and ex-husbands. I handed my fragile heart to them and just let em do whatever. They didn't deserve that gift yet. I didn't make them prove that they could take care of it. What else could I expect? Humans don't appreciate things they didn't have to earn.
I've gotten to the point where I rarely blame anyone but myself for the things that happen to me. If I listen to my intuition and consult God for guidance first I can avoid most of it. But I'm hard headed you see. It took three rapes and two divorces for me to get it finally.
Your virtue as a woman protects you from these emotional crimes. Protecting your treasures is the best way to avoid the trauma but if you don't even realize you've got treasures then you won't protect them. Most women don't even know what they have.
I know what I have.... :)
Monday, March 24, 2008
Worth
Monday already....
It's hard for me to think of what to write about on a Monday because I'm usually coming down from a chill weekend. No new material.
So something from Friday (and Saturday) left an impression on me...I've th0ught about it several times since.
I'm pretty ok friends with a lady at church and her husband served my food and stuff for me at the Good Friday program (That was part of the program). But he went above and beyond though. After he shared the food he pulled out my chair. He checked up on me periodically. Then he went and got my juice. Asked if I needed anything more. Came back and took away my plates. I finally started laughing and I said "you don't need to do all this you know", he said "Nicole I want you to know what to expect from a God-fearing man in the future. If he doesn't treat you this way then don't waste any time on him." So goofy me...'You're right. I'll remember that.'
Honestly I felt sort weird when he was doing those things for me. Just because I honestly have not genuinely experienced that from any guy I've ever dated. I felt kinda fuzzy inside. lol. Girls we try and act like we're all strong and independent; the 'I don't need no man' mentality. That is a bald-headed LIE. A good man has the ability to do things for us we could never do for ourselves; make us feel ways we'd never be able to make each other feel. That is how God designed it all. We need them to admire us and show us how special we are to them. Or our petals droop.
Saturday my mom had lunch after church. Same brother was there. Again he didn't let me lift anything heavy. I couldn't take out the trash....nothing laborous. He said 'remember what I said yesterday...." After eating the guy from last week that was grilling me about not 'picking' a man started up another conversation along the same lines. He said "Full eyes, you'd make a nice empress for some nice man and I just don't want to see ya waitin' long." Last week he irritated me but I get his intention now.
What left the impression was the genuine interest my 'brothers' have taken in my treatment and happiness. My dad was sort of an unemotional guy for the most part so I don't think I've ever understood the role of nurturing men in a young girl's life. They really do help you set the measuring stick high for how you should be treated in a relationship. I took crap because I never received any coaching as a youth. I just didn't know I deserved better than what I got. (No hard feelings, my Daddy did the best he could with what he knew)
I experienced something I have never experienced in my entire life.......genuine admiration and a feeling of masculine security; just because I'm me and I'm worth that. Makes femininity flower with the greatest capacity to nurture and love.
Final point. This is my logic about love and relationships: I will never again date a man that does not have a deep relationship with God. God is love and therefore only through Him can any of us know what love truly is. We'll never get that understanding no matter how many books we read. A man that doesn't know God can NEVER love me with the full expectation God had in mind when He created me. He might do the best he knows how but if God hasn't put that love inside of him then he won't have it to give to me....and I'm trying to experience the fullness of what I was made for. It goes the other way too of course.
We miss out and make such horrible mistakes when we try to do these things all on our own. Celibacy ain't always easy but I think my reward will be this kind of love. Well worth it.
It's sort of hard to explain....
It's hard for me to think of what to write about on a Monday because I'm usually coming down from a chill weekend. No new material.
So something from Friday (and Saturday) left an impression on me...I've th0ught about it several times since.
I'm pretty ok friends with a lady at church and her husband served my food and stuff for me at the Good Friday program (That was part of the program). But he went above and beyond though. After he shared the food he pulled out my chair. He checked up on me periodically. Then he went and got my juice. Asked if I needed anything more. Came back and took away my plates. I finally started laughing and I said "you don't need to do all this you know", he said "Nicole I want you to know what to expect from a God-fearing man in the future. If he doesn't treat you this way then don't waste any time on him." So goofy me...'You're right. I'll remember that.'
Honestly I felt sort weird when he was doing those things for me. Just because I honestly have not genuinely experienced that from any guy I've ever dated. I felt kinda fuzzy inside. lol. Girls we try and act like we're all strong and independent; the 'I don't need no man' mentality. That is a bald-headed LIE. A good man has the ability to do things for us we could never do for ourselves; make us feel ways we'd never be able to make each other feel. That is how God designed it all. We need them to admire us and show us how special we are to them. Or our petals droop.
Saturday my mom had lunch after church. Same brother was there. Again he didn't let me lift anything heavy. I couldn't take out the trash....nothing laborous. He said 'remember what I said yesterday...." After eating the guy from last week that was grilling me about not 'picking' a man started up another conversation along the same lines. He said "Full eyes, you'd make a nice empress for some nice man and I just don't want to see ya waitin' long." Last week he irritated me but I get his intention now.
What left the impression was the genuine interest my 'brothers' have taken in my treatment and happiness. My dad was sort of an unemotional guy for the most part so I don't think I've ever understood the role of nurturing men in a young girl's life. They really do help you set the measuring stick high for how you should be treated in a relationship. I took crap because I never received any coaching as a youth. I just didn't know I deserved better than what I got. (No hard feelings, my Daddy did the best he could with what he knew)
I experienced something I have never experienced in my entire life.......genuine admiration and a feeling of masculine security; just because I'm me and I'm worth that. Makes femininity flower with the greatest capacity to nurture and love.
Final point. This is my logic about love and relationships: I will never again date a man that does not have a deep relationship with God. God is love and therefore only through Him can any of us know what love truly is. We'll never get that understanding no matter how many books we read. A man that doesn't know God can NEVER love me with the full expectation God had in mind when He created me. He might do the best he knows how but if God hasn't put that love inside of him then he won't have it to give to me....and I'm trying to experience the fullness of what I was made for. It goes the other way too of course.
We miss out and make such horrible mistakes when we try to do these things all on our own. Celibacy ain't always easy but I think my reward will be this kind of love. Well worth it.
It's sort of hard to explain....
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Finally Forgiven
Ok so wow. I had a great night. Still exhausted and I'm getting ready for bed but I really want to express how I feel before I fall asleep and the moment leaves me...
Tonight my church celebrated Good Friday. For the past two nights I've been exhausted because I've been decorating the church. It was beautiful. Seeing all the work pay off was so satisfying. People were moved. It feels good to have played a part in the healing of another person; and in the process experience healing yourself.
There were different prayer rooms dedicated to different purposes. There was a room for couples (marriages are in trouble these days), confession, but I stayed in the healing and forgiveness room for over an hour. I sat down with a little girl and she had the idea of writing out our prayers. I took out a new journal I happened to purchase last week and christened it with my prayers. The innocence of a child spearheaded some healing for me.
I've heard self help people say how you're supposed to forgive people not for them but for you. That can be applied another way; we often confess and ask God to forgive us for things that we can't forget about. When God forgives He also forgets; our sins are cast into the 'sea of forgetfullness'. But we keep a portion of that guilt and carry it around. We punish ourselves when God has already moved past it.
So I had to forgive myself tonight for some things. I did some stupid crap the past 4 years and I've been so upset with myself for them. God let it go the moment I sincerely asked but I whisper it in my mind....causing my confidence and self image to slip periodically. I struggle with accepting sincere compliments about my personality and character. That exposes my disbelief that I am really an ok person. I'm good deep down. I just lost myself for awhile. But it happened and it's time to move on from it. I learned alot so it wasn't wasted time. It didn't defeat me. Instead of being upset at myself for driving down that road I feel proud of myself for making that u-turn and walking all the way back.
Finally, I'm going to sleeeeeep
Tonight my church celebrated Good Friday. For the past two nights I've been exhausted because I've been decorating the church. It was beautiful. Seeing all the work pay off was so satisfying. People were moved. It feels good to have played a part in the healing of another person; and in the process experience healing yourself.
There were different prayer rooms dedicated to different purposes. There was a room for couples (marriages are in trouble these days), confession, but I stayed in the healing and forgiveness room for over an hour. I sat down with a little girl and she had the idea of writing out our prayers. I took out a new journal I happened to purchase last week and christened it with my prayers. The innocence of a child spearheaded some healing for me.
I've heard self help people say how you're supposed to forgive people not for them but for you. That can be applied another way; we often confess and ask God to forgive us for things that we can't forget about. When God forgives He also forgets; our sins are cast into the 'sea of forgetfullness'. But we keep a portion of that guilt and carry it around. We punish ourselves when God has already moved past it.
So I had to forgive myself tonight for some things. I did some stupid crap the past 4 years and I've been so upset with myself for them. God let it go the moment I sincerely asked but I whisper it in my mind....causing my confidence and self image to slip periodically. I struggle with accepting sincere compliments about my personality and character. That exposes my disbelief that I am really an ok person. I'm good deep down. I just lost myself for awhile. But it happened and it's time to move on from it. I learned alot so it wasn't wasted time. It didn't defeat me. Instead of being upset at myself for driving down that road I feel proud of myself for making that u-turn and walking all the way back.
Finally, I'm going to sleeeeeep
Friday, March 21, 2008
No Regrets Please
I'm starting this blog with a side note - I am EXHAUSTED. It is not even 9am and I just told my coworker that I cannot wait to go to sleep tonight. lol. This is going to be the longest recorded day in all history - end side note
I'm designating Sunday as 'plan my life day'. As my earlier blog stated, I am going to write out my major life goals, then determine what the steps are for each. I feel better when I know what the plan is.
After speaking with a friend yesterday I realized that I cannot live my life with anymore regrets. I've got a couple and they haunt me as it is. I remember things from elementary school I wish I didn't say or I wish I had the guts to do. In high school too. Just one or two things I wish I did. College, I wouldn't know where to start with them all. I'd have to make subcategories. Those are the decisions that shape your life unfortunately. That's why you're left always wondering, what if.
But no more! No more regrets. There are some things that have been gnawing at the pit of me for quite some time but I keep thinking my way out of doing them. But I KNOW that if I don't try I'll regret it till the day I die. I'll always wonder if I wasted my life trying to do what was safe and convenient. And as Choward put it, "I can't stomach that kind of regret." True True.
So Panera will be the location where I'll be honest with myself. I'll order a Crispani to get those good endorphins aflowin'. Then I am going to list all of the things I want to do in life but don't think are possible. I'm going to make a plan to then do the impossible. I expect it to be difficult because the rewards will be great.
Expect status reports periodically....
I'm designating Sunday as 'plan my life day'. As my earlier blog stated, I am going to write out my major life goals, then determine what the steps are for each. I feel better when I know what the plan is.
After speaking with a friend yesterday I realized that I cannot live my life with anymore regrets. I've got a couple and they haunt me as it is. I remember things from elementary school I wish I didn't say or I wish I had the guts to do. In high school too. Just one or two things I wish I did. College, I wouldn't know where to start with them all. I'd have to make subcategories. Those are the decisions that shape your life unfortunately. That's why you're left always wondering, what if.
But no more! No more regrets. There are some things that have been gnawing at the pit of me for quite some time but I keep thinking my way out of doing them. But I KNOW that if I don't try I'll regret it till the day I die. I'll always wonder if I wasted my life trying to do what was safe and convenient. And as Choward put it, "I can't stomach that kind of regret." True True.
So Panera will be the location where I'll be honest with myself. I'll order a Crispani to get those good endorphins aflowin'. Then I am going to list all of the things I want to do in life but don't think are possible. I'm going to make a plan to then do the impossible. I expect it to be difficult because the rewards will be great.
Expect status reports periodically....
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Waiting to learn
Ok I'll admit. The comments of yesterday evening were not pleasant. I do apologize for the delivery. My feelings were genuine so I can't lie and act like I'm really sorry about it when I'm not. I didn't need to sound so ignorant. Hopefully one day I won't have those reactions to people. I am a work in progress after all.
So life can be soooo humbling sometimes. I went to my kick boxing class last night and afterwards I was on my way to church to set up for a Good Friday program (all are invited :) ) and of course I get pulled over by a cop. Apparently a lapse of insurance during the time my other vehicle was being fixed affected my ability to have a registered vehicle. AND I was overdue for emissions testing. I had no idea. Long story short, my truck was towed and the tags were taken to MVA. :( Good Times! But ya know, I didn't get upset. My sister came and picked me up and I went right on to church to set up for the event.
Sidenote: So at church I was sorta sulkin' in a corner and a 'sister' walked up to me and said 'I must tell you something young lady. My sister came to church with me on Sabbath and she just thinks you are so beautiful.' My response.....'ummm wow (pause), thanks?' :) I got out of the corner started decorating. What a pick me up!
I like this change in me. My sis likes to say that I have 'fits of rage'. I can't lie. If someone has been 'needling' me for a long period of time I just might flip on em something scary. This happened with my aunt most recently. All I remember is cussing her until I lost my voice. Since that occasion I've made a deliberate effort to deal with my anger before it ever gets to that point. It's not decent to behave that way and it's not becoming of a lady. And I of course am a lady.
I know I sound like a bible thumper but going to church and reading the Bible really does calm the spirit. There was something very peaceful designing an alter and decorating a prayer room that caused me to do it in silence. Meditatively. Suddenly my truck being towed didn't seem like such a big deal. I'm blessed. I have the finances to get my car back tomorrow without suffering any real strain. Some people would be devastated by such a situation. I have my health. No one is sick in my family. Life in general has been good to me.
It's important to worship God through ALL situations. Whenever some ridiculousness happens in my life I end up learning something interesting. So, I'll just wait anxiously for the next lesson.....
So life can be soooo humbling sometimes. I went to my kick boxing class last night and afterwards I was on my way to church to set up for a Good Friday program (all are invited :) ) and of course I get pulled over by a cop. Apparently a lapse of insurance during the time my other vehicle was being fixed affected my ability to have a registered vehicle. AND I was overdue for emissions testing. I had no idea. Long story short, my truck was towed and the tags were taken to MVA. :( Good Times! But ya know, I didn't get upset. My sister came and picked me up and I went right on to church to set up for the event.
Sidenote: So at church I was sorta sulkin' in a corner and a 'sister' walked up to me and said 'I must tell you something young lady. My sister came to church with me on Sabbath and she just thinks you are so beautiful.' My response.....'ummm wow (pause), thanks?' :) I got out of the corner started decorating. What a pick me up!
I like this change in me. My sis likes to say that I have 'fits of rage'. I can't lie. If someone has been 'needling' me for a long period of time I just might flip on em something scary. This happened with my aunt most recently. All I remember is cussing her until I lost my voice. Since that occasion I've made a deliberate effort to deal with my anger before it ever gets to that point. It's not decent to behave that way and it's not becoming of a lady. And I of course am a lady.
I know I sound like a bible thumper but going to church and reading the Bible really does calm the spirit. There was something very peaceful designing an alter and decorating a prayer room that caused me to do it in silence. Meditatively. Suddenly my truck being towed didn't seem like such a big deal. I'm blessed. I have the finances to get my car back tomorrow without suffering any real strain. Some people would be devastated by such a situation. I have my health. No one is sick in my family. Life in general has been good to me.
It's important to worship God through ALL situations. Whenever some ridiculousness happens in my life I end up learning something interesting. So, I'll just wait anxiously for the next lesson.....
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Black People :(
Ok so I am no longer in need of inspiration. I try and try and try but you know what?, I'm throwing in the towel when it comes to Black people. Why they gotta be so black? Yes I said it.
Ever notice how at a company they have all the Execs and Admin people and then...in the basement somewhere there is data entry; usually a group of black people secluded from the rest of the employees. Well we have that here at NIH as well but without the basement.
You can easily spot one of these black people. They tend to have on their version of business dress (tight kakhis, colorful loafers from Bakers, fitted oxford shirt with the tails hanging out.....something along these lines). Often a tattoo is visible on their lift breast or right arm of their most recent baby daddy (No offense to tattoos, I got one too but only the inner circle has seen it and certainly not visible at work). Hair could possible be in a high side ponytail. Teeth often neglected...you get my drift?
I was always pretty nice to them until I realized they got STANK attitudes. So, things have changed. Here are a few examples.
1. One of them is partially blind. I felt bad for her. I took it upon myself to assemble her special fluorescent desk lamp. I even offered to ask the receptionist to take her packages down to her desk for her. Well, instead of patiently waiting, she called up to my office and stated "Where my boxes? You said she was gon' bring em. Why you say that if she not gon' bring em". Yes, this is what she stated out of her IGNANT mouth. So, she can balance the next box on her head while she taps her blind person stick all the way down the stairs, to the right and down the hall to her office.
2. Another one of them has yellow buck teeth. But, I was nice anyways. She sent out an email to vent her frustrations because a vendor I contracted for some work did not provide an ID and she felt I should provide an escort. I told her NO and that protocol states if no ID is provided, they are to be re-directed back upstairs. She insisted on sending poorly written E-mails despite my continued frank responses; using up my valuable time. So I responded with an E-mail full of words I was sure she could not pronounce and let her chew on it while I got some work done.
3. My last example is the worst of them all. But, she is actually a nice person deep down but I regrettably must include her. I have had to endure her mispronunciation of words like guacamole, her version is guacamalay. Paparazzi, she says popsy ropsy. She is 39 and has never bothered to vote. I angrily asked why. Her response "Well do it matter?"
Now I'm a nice person, but, I feel like everyone should know their place. I don't assert myself with Exec staff because that is simply not my station at this time. So why I must deal with the half-intelligent assertions of these black people is beyond me. And I must say that they are black because there are white ones and they simply don't do this. They meekly come in, eat their lil cheese sandwich for lunch, and go home.
And they seem so proud of themselves too. Always talking loudly down their hallway about their baby daddy, or paying rent, or some hood drama. lol. I know this is ignorant but this is how I feel. No sugar coating on my blog. They have like 5 kids each and no husbands! Hang your head in shame I say! Stop with all the pride! Focus on taking a Microsoft Office class or something. Stop embarrassing all those that share your skin tone.
I fully expect ignorant comments but please......refer to the disclaimer above.
Ever notice how at a company they have all the Execs and Admin people and then...in the basement somewhere there is data entry; usually a group of black people secluded from the rest of the employees. Well we have that here at NIH as well but without the basement.
You can easily spot one of these black people. They tend to have on their version of business dress (tight kakhis, colorful loafers from Bakers, fitted oxford shirt with the tails hanging out.....something along these lines). Often a tattoo is visible on their lift breast or right arm of their most recent baby daddy (No offense to tattoos, I got one too but only the inner circle has seen it and certainly not visible at work). Hair could possible be in a high side ponytail. Teeth often neglected...you get my drift?
I was always pretty nice to them until I realized they got STANK attitudes. So, things have changed. Here are a few examples.
1. One of them is partially blind. I felt bad for her. I took it upon myself to assemble her special fluorescent desk lamp. I even offered to ask the receptionist to take her packages down to her desk for her. Well, instead of patiently waiting, she called up to my office and stated "Where my boxes? You said she was gon' bring em. Why you say that if she not gon' bring em". Yes, this is what she stated out of her IGNANT mouth. So, she can balance the next box on her head while she taps her blind person stick all the way down the stairs, to the right and down the hall to her office.
2. Another one of them has yellow buck teeth. But, I was nice anyways. She sent out an email to vent her frustrations because a vendor I contracted for some work did not provide an ID and she felt I should provide an escort. I told her NO and that protocol states if no ID is provided, they are to be re-directed back upstairs. She insisted on sending poorly written E-mails despite my continued frank responses; using up my valuable time. So I responded with an E-mail full of words I was sure she could not pronounce and let her chew on it while I got some work done.
3. My last example is the worst of them all. But, she is actually a nice person deep down but I regrettably must include her. I have had to endure her mispronunciation of words like guacamole, her version is guacamalay. Paparazzi, she says popsy ropsy. She is 39 and has never bothered to vote. I angrily asked why. Her response "Well do it matter?"
Now I'm a nice person, but, I feel like everyone should know their place. I don't assert myself with Exec staff because that is simply not my station at this time. So why I must deal with the half-intelligent assertions of these black people is beyond me. And I must say that they are black because there are white ones and they simply don't do this. They meekly come in, eat their lil cheese sandwich for lunch, and go home.
And they seem so proud of themselves too. Always talking loudly down their hallway about their baby daddy, or paying rent, or some hood drama. lol. I know this is ignorant but this is how I feel. No sugar coating on my blog. They have like 5 kids each and no husbands! Hang your head in shame I say! Stop with all the pride! Focus on taking a Microsoft Office class or something. Stop embarrassing all those that share your skin tone.
I fully expect ignorant comments but please......refer to the disclaimer above.
'Gotta get my life together......'
So I missed a day yesterday...I had NOTHING to talk about. But one call to a member of the inner circle (thanks T!) has provided the needed inspiration.
Why does EVERYONE seem to be tryna get their lives together? I find myself mumbling this randomly during the day as well, "Ugh, I need to get my life in order." Everywhere I turn folks are trying to 'get it together'. lol. Why?!
Has anyone noticed that we will NEVER be satisfied with life. There will always be SOMETHING to 'get together'. In highschool I was all about getting ready for college. Then in college, after I was done partying and dating guys I shouldn't have, I was all about 'tryna graduate'. Now that I'm in the working world I'm tryna 'pay off my truck, buy a house, build my savings, lose weight, decide on my next degree, find my self......." lol. This is ridiculous.
It'll never end. When I've done all that and I have a husband and kids and all that there will be a new set of things I'm 'tryna do'.....save for retirement, get these kids outa my house, get a tummy tuck & breast lift, refinance my 20yr old house, ward off cancer, keep the lovin spicy, mammograms, write my will, build a beach house in st. lucia.... bla bla bla.
My brain is pulsating, isn't yours?
I don't really know what the solution is. Can't live without aspirations and goals. But this sounds alot like an internal rat race to me. I think what I'll do is just pick one big goal and do what is necessary to attain that one. For example, I'm want to be in a profession that allows me to travel. So instead of focusing on the minutia of the various steps to getting there I'll keep my eye on that big prize and gather my inspiration from there. This will keep me from side-stepping into other things I'm 'tryna' do instead of what I 'need' to do so I get what I 'want'.
So basically I'll need to really figure out what Nichova wants out of life. REALLY REALLY wants. Like family, companionship, happiness, freedom, peace..... And center my life around these things instead of the nonsense of this world. When I'm on my death bed I'm not going to remember the millions of times I sat down with a pen and pad and tried to plan out my budget. I'll remember times I spent near water and loved ones.
Why does EVERYONE seem to be tryna get their lives together? I find myself mumbling this randomly during the day as well, "Ugh, I need to get my life in order." Everywhere I turn folks are trying to 'get it together'. lol. Why?!
Has anyone noticed that we will NEVER be satisfied with life. There will always be SOMETHING to 'get together'. In highschool I was all about getting ready for college. Then in college, after I was done partying and dating guys I shouldn't have, I was all about 'tryna graduate'. Now that I'm in the working world I'm tryna 'pay off my truck, buy a house, build my savings, lose weight, decide on my next degree, find my self......." lol. This is ridiculous.
It'll never end. When I've done all that and I have a husband and kids and all that there will be a new set of things I'm 'tryna do'.....save for retirement, get these kids outa my house, get a tummy tuck & breast lift, refinance my 20yr old house, ward off cancer, keep the lovin spicy, mammograms, write my will, build a beach house in st. lucia.... bla bla bla.
My brain is pulsating, isn't yours?
I don't really know what the solution is. Can't live without aspirations and goals. But this sounds alot like an internal rat race to me. I think what I'll do is just pick one big goal and do what is necessary to attain that one. For example, I'm want to be in a profession that allows me to travel. So instead of focusing on the minutia of the various steps to getting there I'll keep my eye on that big prize and gather my inspiration from there. This will keep me from side-stepping into other things I'm 'tryna' do instead of what I 'need' to do so I get what I 'want'.
So basically I'll need to really figure out what Nichova wants out of life. REALLY REALLY wants. Like family, companionship, happiness, freedom, peace..... And center my life around these things instead of the nonsense of this world. When I'm on my death bed I'm not going to remember the millions of times I sat down with a pen and pad and tried to plan out my budget. I'll remember times I spent near water and loved ones.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Flow with it
Ok so my weekend was GREAT! Church was great (it was potluck Sabbath), the Raheem/Jill Scott concert was INCREDIBLE, and Sunday I cleaned (don't tell my mom).
I wonder if folks realize how important self evaluations are? self reflection? aka taking stock of your life and even more importantly, your spirit. Read my buddy Chris' blog about the rat race. I'm feeling him on the topic. My struggle has been the idea of settling for a bondaged life. I CANNOT have some supervisor tellin me what to do all day. I CANNOT be stuck in a cubicle for 7hrs a day. As my sister would say, I'm wilting. I need sun, air, water..... But yes we've all gotta earn a living so what am I going to do.
One thing I am sure of is that God did not create me to spend 40years working in an office. Even if I get my PhD in bla bla bla......that is still too regimented for me. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket sometimes when I'm at work. Now I have a cool job and I work with really great people but I just don't think this is what my life was meant to be.
I think everyone is an artist. We are all creative and we have 'callings'. Someone's calling might be to teach, or civil rights, or music, or an attorney, doctor, administration...whatever. I've always wanted to travel as a major part of my work. There are people all over this world in need of help. Like real life saving help. I never understand how we can sit around wondering if Britney Spears got on panties while people are being killed in Darfur and Kenya. Why doesn't anyone care? The gifts we were all given aren't to be just for us to make a living but to somehow help others as well. We should all give. Something. Even if it's just time.
So how do I fit in this bigger plan? Not so sure yet. Trying to figure it out. I'm taking my time because I want to be sure. People keep asking me , 'why aren't you in med school", bla bla bla. Just cause I can be a doctor doesn't mean I have to be. I might just end up in med school but I don't see the harm in breathing for a lil bit and making sure. What's the big rush all about?
At potluck on Sabbath two 'brothers' were sitting at my table and during the course of conversation they just started hammering me with questions about why I'm not married and why I don't have any kids. That I'm wasting time. "Nicole, is what ya waitin on?" "Plenty man roun' ya " "Pick nah!". lol . It made me laugh but part of me was a lil hurt. Everyone I know is married and/or have a kid or two. I've always wanted to be a mom and I know I'd make a great wife. Those are major parts of my dreams but it's not the only thing I think about. Goodness! Some visitors came from another church and they asked me why I didn't go talk to the guys my age. That aint me! Only once in my life have I ever approached a guy. He was a special case though.....I think the reason I'm still single and I don't have kids is because I made good decisions, I didn't stay in the bad ones.
Point of the blog is, we don't have to rush into life. Most people who do end up making some critical mistake that costs them years of their lives. I've already wasted enough. Take some time to reflect and learn about yourself. Discover your 'calling' and flow with it. Wherever it takes you. That is the only way to live a spiritually fulfilling life.
I wonder if folks realize how important self evaluations are? self reflection? aka taking stock of your life and even more importantly, your spirit. Read my buddy Chris' blog about the rat race. I'm feeling him on the topic. My struggle has been the idea of settling for a bondaged life. I CANNOT have some supervisor tellin me what to do all day. I CANNOT be stuck in a cubicle for 7hrs a day. As my sister would say, I'm wilting. I need sun, air, water..... But yes we've all gotta earn a living so what am I going to do.
One thing I am sure of is that God did not create me to spend 40years working in an office. Even if I get my PhD in bla bla bla......that is still too regimented for me. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket sometimes when I'm at work. Now I have a cool job and I work with really great people but I just don't think this is what my life was meant to be.
I think everyone is an artist. We are all creative and we have 'callings'. Someone's calling might be to teach, or civil rights, or music, or an attorney, doctor, administration...whatever. I've always wanted to travel as a major part of my work. There are people all over this world in need of help. Like real life saving help. I never understand how we can sit around wondering if Britney Spears got on panties while people are being killed in Darfur and Kenya. Why doesn't anyone care? The gifts we were all given aren't to be just for us to make a living but to somehow help others as well. We should all give. Something. Even if it's just time.
So how do I fit in this bigger plan? Not so sure yet. Trying to figure it out. I'm taking my time because I want to be sure. People keep asking me , 'why aren't you in med school", bla bla bla. Just cause I can be a doctor doesn't mean I have to be. I might just end up in med school but I don't see the harm in breathing for a lil bit and making sure. What's the big rush all about?
At potluck on Sabbath two 'brothers' were sitting at my table and during the course of conversation they just started hammering me with questions about why I'm not married and why I don't have any kids. That I'm wasting time. "Nicole, is what ya waitin on?" "Plenty man roun' ya " "Pick nah!". lol . It made me laugh but part of me was a lil hurt. Everyone I know is married and/or have a kid or two. I've always wanted to be a mom and I know I'd make a great wife. Those are major parts of my dreams but it's not the only thing I think about. Goodness! Some visitors came from another church and they asked me why I didn't go talk to the guys my age. That aint me! Only once in my life have I ever approached a guy. He was a special case though.....I think the reason I'm still single and I don't have kids is because I made good decisions, I didn't stay in the bad ones.
Point of the blog is, we don't have to rush into life. Most people who do end up making some critical mistake that costs them years of their lives. I've already wasted enough. Take some time to reflect and learn about yourself. Discover your 'calling' and flow with it. Wherever it takes you. That is the only way to live a spiritually fulfilling life.
Friday, March 14, 2008
I'm going vegan. Really.
I know what I want to talk about but I'm not sure how to start......
I think I need to become a vegan. The crap in food is quite scary. I was listening to Michael Basden(sp) on my way home from work and the discussion was about over developing kids.
Cows and chickens are the WORST. The hormones they are given is stored in the fat and increases in potency over time. By the time someone eats that burger or the chxn wing the growth hormones are 16x more potent!
Implications: 10yr old girls with big ole' breasts. 11yr old boys wit peach fuzz. Once again, this planet is scratchin' my skin!
So everyone knows the Hova is quite focused on health right now. I thought it was cool to have a a nutrigrain bar as a snack between lunch and dinner........MISTAKE. My dietary nemeses was on the list of ingredients, high fructose corn-syrup! I was quite upset. Blueberry was my favorite.
After uncovering this grave injustice I decided to investigate all the packed foods I assumed were healthy. Honestly, after checking out kashi and the rest I realized.....they are trying to kill me! We don't stand a chance! Only way is the vegan way.
But, I enjoy my occasional curry goat, stew chicken, ox tail, and jerk wings. I'm going to continue to eat only these meat items occasionally. After all......it's culture so it doesn't count in my book.
And of course I'll allow the dairy when it is included in any of my grandmother's baked goods. That too is culture; can't turn my back on culture. But outside of these exceptions I'm going to be a vegan.
I'll take small steps getting there. I need to find substitutes for my turkey bacon and egg white breakfast. I already switched to soy milk a few months ago. So I should be straight right?
One last exception: if I'm out somewhere and I'm starving and there is no other option I will then eat the meal closest to vegan I can find. If that happens to be a thin crust Uno's BBQ Chxn Pizza then so be it.
Oh yes and ofcourse ice cream and birthday cakes. Nothing I can do about that either. My hands are tied. It's rude not to partake in a birthday celebration when invited.......
I think I need to become a vegan. The crap in food is quite scary. I was listening to Michael Basden(sp) on my way home from work and the discussion was about over developing kids.
Cows and chickens are the WORST. The hormones they are given is stored in the fat and increases in potency over time. By the time someone eats that burger or the chxn wing the growth hormones are 16x more potent!
Implications: 10yr old girls with big ole' breasts. 11yr old boys wit peach fuzz. Once again, this planet is scratchin' my skin!
So everyone knows the Hova is quite focused on health right now. I thought it was cool to have a a nutrigrain bar as a snack between lunch and dinner........MISTAKE. My dietary nemeses was on the list of ingredients, high fructose corn-syrup! I was quite upset. Blueberry was my favorite.
After uncovering this grave injustice I decided to investigate all the packed foods I assumed were healthy. Honestly, after checking out kashi and the rest I realized.....they are trying to kill me! We don't stand a chance! Only way is the vegan way.
But, I enjoy my occasional curry goat, stew chicken, ox tail, and jerk wings. I'm going to continue to eat only these meat items occasionally. After all......it's culture so it doesn't count in my book.
And of course I'll allow the dairy when it is included in any of my grandmother's baked goods. That too is culture; can't turn my back on culture. But outside of these exceptions I'm going to be a vegan.
I'll take small steps getting there. I need to find substitutes for my turkey bacon and egg white breakfast. I already switched to soy milk a few months ago. So I should be straight right?
One last exception: if I'm out somewhere and I'm starving and there is no other option I will then eat the meal closest to vegan I can find. If that happens to be a thin crust Uno's BBQ Chxn Pizza then so be it.
Oh yes and ofcourse ice cream and birthday cakes. Nothing I can do about that either. My hands are tied. It's rude not to partake in a birthday celebration when invited.......
Thursday, March 13, 2008
This is the result of my mind wandering.....
Hova is drawing a blank! I don't even know what to discuss. I have things in the back of my head ofcourse but I'm not sure the public is ready so I'll save them for another day.
I guess I'll just talk about randomness I suppose......it's MY blog afterall.
Every wonder what other planets are like. I believe that God created more than just the earth. Are they all just watching their 'viewing devices' wondering what the heck is going on down here? I would be. Kinda like we're on a reality tv show.
If you were watching the world from above, humans wouldn't look so great.
I was watching the Matrix last night and the evil agent dude was tellin Morpheus how humans are viruses. All we do is spread, multiply, use up all the earth's natural resources whilst polluting it and we diminish the populations of other species. I think it's pretty rude how humans are getting on down here. Isn't it?
I'm sorta sick of this place. I think I need for Jesus to come so I can fly around and see what my options are. Ya think maybe we can do like mini-vacations to other galaxies? Fly on Righteousness Airlines between the MilkyWay and Andromeda? I mean why do we put God into such a small box? Remember that we live in a corrupted sinful world. We don't even use 10% of the minds God created. Imagine what we would be about if we were using all 100% like the other created beings out there. They probably got the BOMB video games.
I was telling T how I like the idea of flying up to heaven and when we arrive we are waiting in line for a personalized care package from God....sorta like an informational package like when you get on a cruise ship. Inside there would be some sort of present for our good work and then a dvd or something that we can sit and watch that will explain all those unexplainable things about the world and the universe. Then we can pop in the dvd that describes everything, like the excursion channel on the cruise ship tv. You can book your trip, go to the meeting place and an angel/tourguide will show you the sites.
They probably got the BEST beaches ever! Don't gotta worry about jellyfish and sharks. I imagine playing heaven monopoly with Moses; asking Eve WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM! Yes I'd have to explain to Adam the drama he caused in my life by eating that apple with Eve. I think I wanna meet Joseph and try on his coat of many colors. That coat had to be SPECIAL for him to be all sold into slavery for it.
Heaven CANNOT be some misty cloudy place where you just float around. It's PARADISE. God is the creator of creativity itself. His spa resorts must be on point up there.
I really MUST get up in heaven. This place is starting to scratch my skin. Forreal.
Ok folks I think you've learned a bit too much about my imagination.
I guess I'll just talk about randomness I suppose......it's MY blog afterall.
Every wonder what other planets are like. I believe that God created more than just the earth. Are they all just watching their 'viewing devices' wondering what the heck is going on down here? I would be. Kinda like we're on a reality tv show.
If you were watching the world from above, humans wouldn't look so great.
I was watching the Matrix last night and the evil agent dude was tellin Morpheus how humans are viruses. All we do is spread, multiply, use up all the earth's natural resources whilst polluting it and we diminish the populations of other species. I think it's pretty rude how humans are getting on down here. Isn't it?
I'm sorta sick of this place. I think I need for Jesus to come so I can fly around and see what my options are. Ya think maybe we can do like mini-vacations to other galaxies? Fly on Righteousness Airlines between the MilkyWay and Andromeda? I mean why do we put God into such a small box? Remember that we live in a corrupted sinful world. We don't even use 10% of the minds God created. Imagine what we would be about if we were using all 100% like the other created beings out there. They probably got the BOMB video games.
I was telling T how I like the idea of flying up to heaven and when we arrive we are waiting in line for a personalized care package from God....sorta like an informational package like when you get on a cruise ship. Inside there would be some sort of present for our good work and then a dvd or something that we can sit and watch that will explain all those unexplainable things about the world and the universe. Then we can pop in the dvd that describes everything, like the excursion channel on the cruise ship tv. You can book your trip, go to the meeting place and an angel/tourguide will show you the sites.
They probably got the BEST beaches ever! Don't gotta worry about jellyfish and sharks. I imagine playing heaven monopoly with Moses; asking Eve WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM! Yes I'd have to explain to Adam the drama he caused in my life by eating that apple with Eve. I think I wanna meet Joseph and try on his coat of many colors. That coat had to be SPECIAL for him to be all sold into slavery for it.
Heaven CANNOT be some misty cloudy place where you just float around. It's PARADISE. God is the creator of creativity itself. His spa resorts must be on point up there.
I really MUST get up in heaven. This place is starting to scratch my skin. Forreal.
Ok folks I think you've learned a bit too much about my imagination.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Bodily Functions
This blog isn't just about bodily functions in general. Specifically I have issues with women who feel the need to discuss their menstruation with anyone else just because we have the same genitalia. I DON'T WANNA KNOW.
I was raised by a mother who taught my sister and I about being private young ladies. It has nothing to do with shame. It's just what we see as 'proper'. Once again, I like being a girl but why must women gather in groups and immediately talk about periods and breast tenderness. It makes me uncomfortable.
Yes there is a time for it though. If my friend just gave birth then hey it's cool. If you're breast feeding, fine. I'll probably have a whole host of questions for her actually. But outside of the appropriate setting a discussion about menstruation for me is just like talking about passing gas.
Also, we are grown women now. It's been happening month after month since we were like 12. Why are women STILL groaning about cramps and headaches and backaches and the whole nine yards. If you haven't figured out a way to solve this problem you have been experiencing for over a decade, I am sorry, you need to throw in the towel. Just turn in your life card to the man upstairs.
Midol, Pamprin, Advil......whatever it takes! Just Shut UP!!! I couldn't imagine what it's like for a man to date a whining woman like this. It's probably marked in his outlook calendar so he can brace himself for the hurricane of irritation about to blow through his life.
This is a pet peeve of mine and I am sure no one agrees with me. It's cool. I just really don't want to talk about it if you aren't in my inner circle. The relationship must have a level of closeness first. And even then, there must be a valid purpose.
I was raised by a mother who taught my sister and I about being private young ladies. It has nothing to do with shame. It's just what we see as 'proper'. Once again, I like being a girl but why must women gather in groups and immediately talk about periods and breast tenderness. It makes me uncomfortable.
Yes there is a time for it though. If my friend just gave birth then hey it's cool. If you're breast feeding, fine. I'll probably have a whole host of questions for her actually. But outside of the appropriate setting a discussion about menstruation for me is just like talking about passing gas.
Also, we are grown women now. It's been happening month after month since we were like 12. Why are women STILL groaning about cramps and headaches and backaches and the whole nine yards. If you haven't figured out a way to solve this problem you have been experiencing for over a decade, I am sorry, you need to throw in the towel. Just turn in your life card to the man upstairs.
Midol, Pamprin, Advil......whatever it takes! Just Shut UP!!! I couldn't imagine what it's like for a man to date a whining woman like this. It's probably marked in his outlook calendar so he can brace himself for the hurricane of irritation about to blow through his life.
This is a pet peeve of mine and I am sure no one agrees with me. It's cool. I just really don't want to talk about it if you aren't in my inner circle. The relationship must have a level of closeness first. And even then, there must be a valid purpose.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My Inner Circle
Unbelievable! It is almost 3pm and I am JUST sitting down to do some work at my desk. Since yesterday it has been a slew of meetings. How in the world can they expect me to get any work done if I keep having to attend these meeting about work?! Meanwhile, my To-Do List seems to grow exponentially each day.
Exhale........slow inhale.............it's just a job......must remember that this is NOT my life.
Aight my head is clear.....
I first want to say that I enjoy my biweekly dates with my buddy Choward. The conversations are quite enlightening. Per our discussion, today's topic is 'My Inner Circle".
So I have an inner circle. These are people that are close to me; my family and friends. And not just any family or friends....but special ones. They have shown over the years that they don't want to be in my life only when it is convenient for them. They are willing to have those tough discussions with me and I value their opinion. Most of the people in my inner circle I've known for about 8yrs or more. Remember, it's a small circle so not many people can fit. No more than 10.
I think it's ok to have alot of acquaintances but it's not ok to have alot of friends. Not everyone has to be your friend! Why do we feel like we must be cool with everyone all the time. Most people are quite draining on the psyche over time. I can say that 98% of the people I considered really good friends in college had NO BUSINESS gaining access to my inner circle. The integrity of my circle was certainly compromised. But all has been restored since.
Furthermore, you can tell alot about a person's character based on who is in their inner circle. For example, if I notice alot of 'lower element' individuals in someone's inner circle, even if they don't carry themselves that way it shows that they don't see themselves as deserving of a better caliber of people to surround themselves with. These are the people they would potentially turn to for advice. If a young lady is allowing some trifling man to be in her life it shows the value she has for herself. She doesn't feel she is deserving of better so he remains.
Your inner circle is simply an outward projection of your true feelings about yourself. Am I making sense? As an exercise I think everyone should sit down and list out the folks closest to them. Then evaluate these people's character. Do they reflect the character you hope to embody or do they fall far short? If it is the latter, why are they still all up in your circle. Kindly escort them to your outer circle of acquaintances.
But recognize that you are the problem and not them. It parallels self-esteem. Spend some time with yourself (discovering what has hurt you caused you to see yourself as less that exceptional). Keep going until you are completely in love with the person you were created to be. Then the friends you chose will compliment that which is inside. You'll notice that not many can make it in your circle but the ones that do are quality and there to stay.
Exhale........slow inhale.............it's just a job......must remember that this is NOT my life.
Aight my head is clear.....
I first want to say that I enjoy my biweekly dates with my buddy Choward. The conversations are quite enlightening. Per our discussion, today's topic is 'My Inner Circle".
So I have an inner circle. These are people that are close to me; my family and friends. And not just any family or friends....but special ones. They have shown over the years that they don't want to be in my life only when it is convenient for them. They are willing to have those tough discussions with me and I value their opinion. Most of the people in my inner circle I've known for about 8yrs or more. Remember, it's a small circle so not many people can fit. No more than 10.
I think it's ok to have alot of acquaintances but it's not ok to have alot of friends. Not everyone has to be your friend! Why do we feel like we must be cool with everyone all the time. Most people are quite draining on the psyche over time. I can say that 98% of the people I considered really good friends in college had NO BUSINESS gaining access to my inner circle. The integrity of my circle was certainly compromised. But all has been restored since.
Furthermore, you can tell alot about a person's character based on who is in their inner circle. For example, if I notice alot of 'lower element' individuals in someone's inner circle, even if they don't carry themselves that way it shows that they don't see themselves as deserving of a better caliber of people to surround themselves with. These are the people they would potentially turn to for advice. If a young lady is allowing some trifling man to be in her life it shows the value she has for herself. She doesn't feel she is deserving of better so he remains.
Your inner circle is simply an outward projection of your true feelings about yourself. Am I making sense? As an exercise I think everyone should sit down and list out the folks closest to them. Then evaluate these people's character. Do they reflect the character you hope to embody or do they fall far short? If it is the latter, why are they still all up in your circle. Kindly escort them to your outer circle of acquaintances.
But recognize that you are the problem and not them. It parallels self-esteem. Spend some time with yourself (discovering what has hurt you caused you to see yourself as less that exceptional). Keep going until you are completely in love with the person you were created to be. Then the friends you chose will compliment that which is inside. You'll notice that not many can make it in your circle but the ones that do are quality and there to stay.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Chillin but,.....
It's Monday morning and I'm in a good mood. I had a really productive weekend. That is rare for me. Saturday night I relaxed to the max and Sunday I spent 6hrs at my beloved Panera bread working on my church's website. (Thank you Shaun for your dedication!) After that I went to the movies! My excitement might seem unfounded but I have not seen a movie since Thanksgivingish. And to top it off I went out with one of my friends that I haven't seen since I was 18!
Cool Weekend!
I'm enjoying life though. This is my longest drama free period in my life thus far.
sidenote - i JUST left a2.5hr meeting at work. Interrupted my blog entry-endsidenote
I'm enjoying my newfound drama freeness but I feel like I am lacking direction. I KNOW I need to go ahead and get another degree. I just cannot decide what it should be in. Everyone tells me to just go to med school but I don't know if I want to be that kind of doctor honestly. I want to enjoy going to work...not be in the profession just because it pays well. I've leaned towards Public Health, Health Administration Informatics....bla bla. Cannot decide! My goal is to start my next degree this fall so that leaves me like a month to make a life decision. Everyday it's in the back of my mind. Nothing makes me scream "THATS what I wanna do!" Shouldn't it be like that?
Feel free to leave your advice......even Nichova needs advice here and there. ;)
Cool Weekend!
I'm enjoying life though. This is my longest drama free period in my life thus far.
sidenote - i JUST left a2.5hr meeting at work. Interrupted my blog entry-endsidenote
I'm enjoying my newfound drama freeness but I feel like I am lacking direction. I KNOW I need to go ahead and get another degree. I just cannot decide what it should be in. Everyone tells me to just go to med school but I don't know if I want to be that kind of doctor honestly. I want to enjoy going to work...not be in the profession just because it pays well. I've leaned towards Public Health, Health Administration Informatics....bla bla. Cannot decide! My goal is to start my next degree this fall so that leaves me like a month to make a life decision. Everyday it's in the back of my mind. Nothing makes me scream "THATS what I wanna do!" Shouldn't it be like that?
Feel free to leave your advice......even Nichova needs advice here and there. ;)
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Thankyou.....
It's Sunday morning and I haven't made it out of my room for the morning yet. I was up late last night. I went to Community Praise Center SDA Church in VA for a program titled "Ellingtons". It was really nice. It was a Christian-centered open-mic, neosoul type of program with a few featured artists. I realized that I rarely go out anymore. My schedule is gym, work, church, home. And that keeps me BUSY.
My thank you this morning is for the Sabbath. PRAISE GOD for His day! I sooo look forward to the sun setting each Friday. Alot of my friends of course don't understand it. They see it as 'a bunch of stuff I can't do". I've realized that God has created his commandments to protect me not to hinder me from enjoying life. The more I obey the more enjoyable life is.
God has given me a day to just chillax. I get to forget all about the world I live in and focus on Him. That's a present not some annoying rule. And I don't do it because it's a commandment. I try my best to do God's will because I trust Him. I obey out of love and respect. And as I obey I realize that His way saves me from soooo much heartache. It's just like doing what your mom says after you've become an adult. She can't beat you anymore but you still listen because she knows best, her wisdom is above yours and because she loves you, you know she won't lead you astray......Anybody understand what I'm saying?
I struggle alot with it because most of my friends don't get it. I feel like an alien because of it. I was raised this way so for me it's second nature to wind down Friday afternoon. I know that Sunday worship is not biblical but I'm not gonna cram anything down someone's throat. (btw, DO NOT leave me any ignorant comments bc I said Sunday worship is not biblical. Just read your bible and let His Spirit lead you to truth)
This blog is moving around topics...as is usual for me. I just wanted to express how thankful I am for the Sabbath.......
My thank you this morning is for the Sabbath. PRAISE GOD for His day! I sooo look forward to the sun setting each Friday. Alot of my friends of course don't understand it. They see it as 'a bunch of stuff I can't do". I've realized that God has created his commandments to protect me not to hinder me from enjoying life. The more I obey the more enjoyable life is.
God has given me a day to just chillax. I get to forget all about the world I live in and focus on Him. That's a present not some annoying rule. And I don't do it because it's a commandment. I try my best to do God's will because I trust Him. I obey out of love and respect. And as I obey I realize that His way saves me from soooo much heartache. It's just like doing what your mom says after you've become an adult. She can't beat you anymore but you still listen because she knows best, her wisdom is above yours and because she loves you, you know she won't lead you astray......Anybody understand what I'm saying?
I struggle alot with it because most of my friends don't get it. I feel like an alien because of it. I was raised this way so for me it's second nature to wind down Friday afternoon. I know that Sunday worship is not biblical but I'm not gonna cram anything down someone's throat. (btw, DO NOT leave me any ignorant comments bc I said Sunday worship is not biblical. Just read your bible and let His Spirit lead you to truth)
This blog is moving around topics...as is usual for me. I just wanted to express how thankful I am for the Sabbath.......
Friday, March 7, 2008
Groan and smile
Today didn't feel like it's going to be a good day. I had a HORRIBLE night. I have slept maybe two hours before coming to work this morning. I drank coffee at my hair appt last night to make it through (I totaled a car because I fell asleep at the wheel a few years ago so I have a phobia about drowsy driving) and she finished so fast that I didn't really need to. I got home and simply COULD NOT sleep. It was the worst!
But God is funny though. This week I didn't really talk to Him much and last night I did. For hours! Amazingly after God and I had our chit chat I relaxed and finally dozed off. I bought a really cool book to read while my hair was being braided. I've been so busy that I forgot that reading was one of the ways I maintained an intimate relationship with God. It's cool to hear different perspectives on things from people trying to get to heaven like you.
The title of this blog is meant to describe many of my experiences. I was miserable last night because my thoughts kept racing and I couldn't sleep but through that God found some time to tug at me and talk to me. The groaning wasn't fun but I woke up with a smile this morning.
I have to remember to take life easy. It's hard not to get caught up in the hustle of this world and it's demands. Each day, not just the Sabbath, belongs to the Lord. And when I forget that I start to feel heavy, and tired, and exhausted. I end up writing ignorant blogs...lol. It's like running on regular unleaded when my engine requires the premium grade.
Thank goodness the Sabbath is approaching......Best time of the week.
But God is funny though. This week I didn't really talk to Him much and last night I did. For hours! Amazingly after God and I had our chit chat I relaxed and finally dozed off. I bought a really cool book to read while my hair was being braided. I've been so busy that I forgot that reading was one of the ways I maintained an intimate relationship with God. It's cool to hear different perspectives on things from people trying to get to heaven like you.
The title of this blog is meant to describe many of my experiences. I was miserable last night because my thoughts kept racing and I couldn't sleep but through that God found some time to tug at me and talk to me. The groaning wasn't fun but I woke up with a smile this morning.
I have to remember to take life easy. It's hard not to get caught up in the hustle of this world and it's demands. Each day, not just the Sabbath, belongs to the Lord. And when I forget that I start to feel heavy, and tired, and exhausted. I end up writing ignorant blogs...lol. It's like running on regular unleaded when my engine requires the premium grade.
Thank goodness the Sabbath is approaching......Best time of the week.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
OMGooooodness!
I likes to eat. I'm gettin my body back right now so my choices are sorta limited. But, PLEASE visit TGIFridays and order the Peruvian Chicken.
OH MY GOOODNESS!
I just had it again for lunch and it has put me in a trance. Ofcourse I trade the fries for broccoli and all I drink is water/tea.
Chris is hypin some pizza crispy thing from Panera so I'ma hype the Peruvian Chicken.
God's food version of heaven.
OH MY GOOODNESS!
I just had it again for lunch and it has put me in a trance. Ofcourse I trade the fries for broccoli and all I drink is water/tea.
Chris is hypin some pizza crispy thing from Panera so I'ma hype the Peruvian Chicken.
God's food version of heaven.
Women shave your legs!
So I've calmed down significantly since yesterday.
So I had an interesting convo with my sis yesteray. The problem is two-fold:
1. My sister 'went natural' several months ago. (No problem there cause it looks cute on her and I'm in my 'naptural transition' right now as well) But for some reason when I see girls going from perms to natural they tend to loose their 'polish'. Like suddenly they don't get their eye brows done. Shaving is optional. Toe nails are jagged. Face is lookin all dry. Why?! I'm in going through my transition and I don't see this EVER happening to me. If fact I am more on top of things BECASUE of the napturalness. When you succumb to your natural curl it is imperative that you carry it well.....with confidence. Not like some bushwoman. I am not sure what the correlation is between having natural hair and not shaving your arm pits. My sis has not done these things btw way...lol.
2. Second, religion. I grew up in church but only about 8 months ago I found God. I am actually building a real relationship with him now. The problem I am having is this crap about modesty and what's appropriate for women. Many of the women at my church are complaining that their husbands don't pay em any attention. They are lonely. The love is fading. bla bla bla. Hey! Stop walking around here with ashy ankles! is my response. Just because you are a Christian woman DOES NOT mean you can't play up your physical 'blessings'. I don't like men gawking at my body so I cover up quite a bit but the parts that you can see certainly arent ashy or scaley. I wear a lil face powder and bronzer; lipstick or gloss. Whats so wrong with that?! These women come in there just anyhow. Men are visual creatures. Yes your husband should love you for you but goodness why not look good for him too! If I was married to these women I wouldn't touch em with a pole.
Alot of women feel they can just have a few kids and suddenly that's an excuse to be all huge. HORRIBLE. Go to the gym! Stop eating fried bakes and drop the weight. They have kids my age yet they say the fat is cause of the babies. I know I wouldn't like it if my husband gained like 100lbs over the years and stopped lotioning himself.
My sister feels that I am being ignorant because I said Hilary didn't do her job and take care of Bill's needs. Ummm this whole feminist movement has warped women's minds. We aren't men. Why do we even want to be? We aren't made to do any of what they do and vice versa. We are made to nurture and support and love. Men are made to provide and protect. When either steps outa their role the family suffers. Kids aren't being tended to.... I didn't say it to mean that women don't have needs. We certainly do. But goodness the man is the PRESIDENT. He needs a massage every once in a while. Chill on them treaties for a sec and give the man some hot milk tea and a rub down.
My sister stated that it's supposed to be all about the person's character. Puuuleeeezzz. If we chose our mates simply on character my kid could potentially look like a possum. Or have a diamond shaped head. I'm sorry but I am not birthing a shrek baby. That's selfish. This kid has to live out in society. I ofcourse won't chose solely based on looks but I'm NOT gonna set my child up for failure. Sorry if that sounds shallow, ignorant, whatever....I don't care. I appreciate the choice my mom made in chosing my father. It has benefited me greatly :).
This blog has seriously wavered on topics but yall will be aight.
I'm gonna suggest to my sis that she wear the full Muslim garb and find her mate that way since character is all that matters.
my REAL religious 'issues' to follow tomorrow.....
So I had an interesting convo with my sis yesteray. The problem is two-fold:
1. My sister 'went natural' several months ago. (No problem there cause it looks cute on her and I'm in my 'naptural transition' right now as well) But for some reason when I see girls going from perms to natural they tend to loose their 'polish'. Like suddenly they don't get their eye brows done. Shaving is optional. Toe nails are jagged. Face is lookin all dry. Why?! I'm in going through my transition and I don't see this EVER happening to me. If fact I am more on top of things BECASUE of the napturalness. When you succumb to your natural curl it is imperative that you carry it well.....with confidence. Not like some bushwoman. I am not sure what the correlation is between having natural hair and not shaving your arm pits. My sis has not done these things btw way...lol.
2. Second, religion. I grew up in church but only about 8 months ago I found God. I am actually building a real relationship with him now. The problem I am having is this crap about modesty and what's appropriate for women. Many of the women at my church are complaining that their husbands don't pay em any attention. They are lonely. The love is fading. bla bla bla. Hey! Stop walking around here with ashy ankles! is my response. Just because you are a Christian woman DOES NOT mean you can't play up your physical 'blessings'. I don't like men gawking at my body so I cover up quite a bit but the parts that you can see certainly arent ashy or scaley. I wear a lil face powder and bronzer; lipstick or gloss. Whats so wrong with that?! These women come in there just anyhow. Men are visual creatures. Yes your husband should love you for you but goodness why not look good for him too! If I was married to these women I wouldn't touch em with a pole.
Alot of women feel they can just have a few kids and suddenly that's an excuse to be all huge. HORRIBLE. Go to the gym! Stop eating fried bakes and drop the weight. They have kids my age yet they say the fat is cause of the babies. I know I wouldn't like it if my husband gained like 100lbs over the years and stopped lotioning himself.
My sister feels that I am being ignorant because I said Hilary didn't do her job and take care of Bill's needs. Ummm this whole feminist movement has warped women's minds. We aren't men. Why do we even want to be? We aren't made to do any of what they do and vice versa. We are made to nurture and support and love. Men are made to provide and protect. When either steps outa their role the family suffers. Kids aren't being tended to.... I didn't say it to mean that women don't have needs. We certainly do. But goodness the man is the PRESIDENT. He needs a massage every once in a while. Chill on them treaties for a sec and give the man some hot milk tea and a rub down.
My sister stated that it's supposed to be all about the person's character. Puuuleeeezzz. If we chose our mates simply on character my kid could potentially look like a possum. Or have a diamond shaped head. I'm sorry but I am not birthing a shrek baby. That's selfish. This kid has to live out in society. I ofcourse won't chose solely based on looks but I'm NOT gonna set my child up for failure. Sorry if that sounds shallow, ignorant, whatever....I don't care. I appreciate the choice my mom made in chosing my father. It has benefited me greatly :).
This blog has seriously wavered on topics but yall will be aight.
I'm gonna suggest to my sis that she wear the full Muslim garb and find her mate that way since character is all that matters.
my REAL religious 'issues' to follow tomorrow.....
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Ignorant mood
Ok so I'm about to show my ignorant side.
I am boycotting Chipotle and all other Mexican inspired food chains. Yes I know they don't own it but I am just upset.
Sometimes I forgot how dumb this country really is. Maryland tends to be filled with smart educated folk like myself. We voted for Al Gore, John Kerry and now Barak Obama with landside percentages. As you creep towards the US interior the idiocy becomes rampant. It's to be expected though. Far less educated people live in the interior states.
I'm not saying that blue collar workers and Latinos are dumb but let's be honest...there is something to be said for having higher education. It promotes deep critical thinking. I am not so sure the majority of these two groups are thinking deeply. Latinos historically vote for Republicans because they are Catholic. I don't get it. I'm Seventh Day Adventist. I love Jesus too. Yet I don't see a correlation.
Ohio REALLY pissed me off last night. How and WHY would you vote for that broad? She is so phony with that plastered on smile. I cannot stand this woman. She takes credit for everything her husband did EXCEPT NAFTA. But, they aint go to school so what can I expect. She stay with her nasty tactics and it paid off yesterday. I hope they never get their jobs back.
Texas (I need to take a few deep breaths before I continue)............................................................I'm ready for Mexicans to be deported. Time is up! They up in here just making babies as soon as they hit puberty and now they having all sorts of pull....picking Presidents! I've had enough of them and their food. Hilary Clinton would be home right now dealing with her hot flashes if it weren't for them. Like my grandfather would say "dem daaaamn Spanish!!!"
I love being a woman. I think it's the coolest thing. But we don't need to be President. Let's be honest. We are too emotional. I wanted to vomit when she was on tv crying. How can the President of a nation be crying on tv?! We need the rest of the world to respect us.....not laugh at us.
And she has already proven that she can't do her job. When she was first lady she didn't do her job. She was supposed to be supporting her husband...not running around like it was a co-Presidency. If she had given Bill what he needed at the end of the day he wouldn't have been canoodling with Monica. That was a critical role she should have been playing but she slacked and look what happened. I believe that Michelle will take care of her husband's needs so that he won't have to get his release elsewhere. Being a President is STRESSFUL.
I feel there should be some rules on who can vote. You must have a certain IQ....not a degree, just a decent IQ. Prove that you can do some deductive reasoning and critical thinking. These must be pre-requisites to voting rights. Cause as this country gets dumber and dumber the elections will be less meaningful and this country will continue to go to hell.
I'm sure I have a few Mexican and blue collar friends. I do apologize for any racist undertones. I'm not a racist at all. I look at the facts and regurgitate and add my own passion.
If Hilary Clinton doesn't go away soon I think I will move to St. Lucia sooner than planned.
Well never mind, Jesus is coming soon so it doesn't even matter........
I am boycotting Chipotle and all other Mexican inspired food chains. Yes I know they don't own it but I am just upset.
Sometimes I forgot how dumb this country really is. Maryland tends to be filled with smart educated folk like myself. We voted for Al Gore, John Kerry and now Barak Obama with landside percentages. As you creep towards the US interior the idiocy becomes rampant. It's to be expected though. Far less educated people live in the interior states.
I'm not saying that blue collar workers and Latinos are dumb but let's be honest...there is something to be said for having higher education. It promotes deep critical thinking. I am not so sure the majority of these two groups are thinking deeply. Latinos historically vote for Republicans because they are Catholic. I don't get it. I'm Seventh Day Adventist. I love Jesus too. Yet I don't see a correlation.
Ohio REALLY pissed me off last night. How and WHY would you vote for that broad? She is so phony with that plastered on smile. I cannot stand this woman. She takes credit for everything her husband did EXCEPT NAFTA. But, they aint go to school so what can I expect. She stay with her nasty tactics and it paid off yesterday. I hope they never get their jobs back.
Texas (I need to take a few deep breaths before I continue)............................................................I'm ready for Mexicans to be deported. Time is up! They up in here just making babies as soon as they hit puberty and now they having all sorts of pull....picking Presidents! I've had enough of them and their food. Hilary Clinton would be home right now dealing with her hot flashes if it weren't for them. Like my grandfather would say "dem daaaamn Spanish!!!"
I love being a woman. I think it's the coolest thing. But we don't need to be President. Let's be honest. We are too emotional. I wanted to vomit when she was on tv crying. How can the President of a nation be crying on tv?! We need the rest of the world to respect us.....not laugh at us.
And she has already proven that she can't do her job. When she was first lady she didn't do her job. She was supposed to be supporting her husband...not running around like it was a co-Presidency. If she had given Bill what he needed at the end of the day he wouldn't have been canoodling with Monica. That was a critical role she should have been playing but she slacked and look what happened. I believe that Michelle will take care of her husband's needs so that he won't have to get his release elsewhere. Being a President is STRESSFUL.
I feel there should be some rules on who can vote. You must have a certain IQ....not a degree, just a decent IQ. Prove that you can do some deductive reasoning and critical thinking. These must be pre-requisites to voting rights. Cause as this country gets dumber and dumber the elections will be less meaningful and this country will continue to go to hell.
I'm sure I have a few Mexican and blue collar friends. I do apologize for any racist undertones. I'm not a racist at all. I look at the facts and regurgitate and add my own passion.
If Hilary Clinton doesn't go away soon I think I will move to St. Lucia sooner than planned.
Well never mind, Jesus is coming soon so it doesn't even matter........
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Who is me? (bad grammer I know)
I realized that after I put up my first post that people don't know me as well as I thought they did. Everyone kept saying they expected my blog to be more 'flashy' and funnier.... It seems I'm a little bit misunderstood but I am to blame. I don't see my friends too often (you guys live at least 30miles away in various directions) so when I do I'm pretty happy.
Granted I do laugh all day and find random things funny but when I'm really by myself, reading, writing, praying, singing, immersed in thought or meditation I'm really quite mellow. Sometimes I'll just sit outside, close my eyes and breathe. Last night I drove around aimlessly with Sade blasting and letting the cool air hit me.
I am going through somewhat of a transition. I realized that this past Valentine's Day was my first where I didn't spend it with a guy since I was 14! I haven't always been in a relationship but I suppose I've always dated. When you are emotionally immature dating can warp you. All the relationships, and the drama that they bring, clogged my mind and my spirit. I feel like I'm sweeping out the debris of all my past experiences. I can finally LIVE. The amazing part is when I look back I did some stupid things! All the time! Lol. I recommend this to everyone. Just step back from 'It' for a period of time and just BREATHE...deeply.
Granted I do laugh all day and find random things funny but when I'm really by myself, reading, writing, praying, singing, immersed in thought or meditation I'm really quite mellow. Sometimes I'll just sit outside, close my eyes and breathe. Last night I drove around aimlessly with Sade blasting and letting the cool air hit me.
I am going through somewhat of a transition. I realized that this past Valentine's Day was my first where I didn't spend it with a guy since I was 14! I haven't always been in a relationship but I suppose I've always dated. When you are emotionally immature dating can warp you. All the relationships, and the drama that they bring, clogged my mind and my spirit. I feel like I'm sweeping out the debris of all my past experiences. I can finally LIVE. The amazing part is when I look back I did some stupid things! All the time! Lol. I recommend this to everyone. Just step back from 'It' for a period of time and just BREATHE...deeply.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
First post
My first post.
It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted. I was in a randomish mood earlier. For some reason this question popped into my mind, "What would I regret if I died tonight?" It was weird. I automatically knew certain things. I thought of love never proclaimed, places I wish I'd visited, time wasted..... That question seemed to burn the 'fog' out of my head. The important things rose to the surface. I'm only 25 but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. Life cannot simply consist of going to school, getting a job, working, then dying. Yes I know we have kids and have some happy times in there but in general that's the plot. It just seems so crazy to me. I can't do it. I love the water. I feel like I'm shriveling up the longer I settle for that as a life. I'd honestly be happy just living a simple life, loving my husband and kids and being near water somehow. That's the simple truth. If I never get to deeply love a man, or be a mommy or live a peaceful life somewhere I'd regret it. That right there would be a full life in my eyes. No money or fancy car or anything can fill that void. I believe that a simple existence is in harmony with God. How can I hear His voice if I live in the midst of noise? I found God initially through the romance of His creations. I got lost in it and found God. I don't want to lose Him or miss the experiences He's laid out for my life. I just want water.......
It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted. I was in a randomish mood earlier. For some reason this question popped into my mind, "What would I regret if I died tonight?" It was weird. I automatically knew certain things. I thought of love never proclaimed, places I wish I'd visited, time wasted..... That question seemed to burn the 'fog' out of my head. The important things rose to the surface. I'm only 25 but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. Life cannot simply consist of going to school, getting a job, working, then dying. Yes I know we have kids and have some happy times in there but in general that's the plot. It just seems so crazy to me. I can't do it. I love the water. I feel like I'm shriveling up the longer I settle for that as a life. I'd honestly be happy just living a simple life, loving my husband and kids and being near water somehow. That's the simple truth. If I never get to deeply love a man, or be a mommy or live a peaceful life somewhere I'd regret it. That right there would be a full life in my eyes. No money or fancy car or anything can fill that void. I believe that a simple existence is in harmony with God. How can I hear His voice if I live in the midst of noise? I found God initially through the romance of His creations. I got lost in it and found God. I don't want to lose Him or miss the experiences He's laid out for my life. I just want water.......
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