Finally Forgiven

Ok so wow. I had a great night. Still exhausted and I'm getting ready for bed but I really want to express how I feel before I fall asleep and the moment leaves me...

Tonight my church celebrated Good Friday. For the past two nights I've been exhausted because I've been decorating the church. It was beautiful. Seeing all the work pay off was so satisfying. People were moved. It feels good to have played a part in the healing of another person; and in the process experience healing yourself.

There were different prayer rooms dedicated to different purposes. There was a room for couples (marriages are in trouble these days), confession, but I stayed in the healing and forgiveness room for over an hour. I sat down with a little girl and she had the idea of writing out our prayers. I took out a new journal I happened to purchase last week and christened it with my prayers. The innocence of a child spearheaded some healing for me.

I've heard self help people say how you're supposed to forgive people not for them but for you. That can be applied another way; we often confess and ask God to forgive us for things that we can't forget about. When God forgives He also forgets; our sins are cast into the 'sea of forgetfullness'. But we keep a portion of that guilt and carry it around. We punish ourselves when God has already moved past it.

So I had to forgive myself tonight for some things. I did some stupid crap the past 4 years and I've been so upset with myself for them. God let it go the moment I sincerely asked but I whisper it in my mind....causing my confidence and self image to slip periodically. I struggle with accepting sincere compliments about my personality and character. That exposes my disbelief that I am really an ok person. I'm good deep down. I just lost myself for awhile. But it happened and it's time to move on from it. I learned alot so it wasn't wasted time. It didn't defeat me. Instead of being upset at myself for driving down that road I feel proud of myself for making that u-turn and walking all the way back.

Finally, I'm going to sleeeeeep