I Am Not My Hair

OMG!! Nichova is 100% Naptural! I am sitting at my desk right now fighting back tears.

So Tameka at the natural hair salon did perfectly. She cut off only the perm parts. She gave me the bomb deep condition and all that. I walked out of the salon feeling great. I smiled all the way home. I took pictures of my hair while I was driving home. I felt FREE.

This morning......

I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. I went in the shower and condition washed. Put in some moisturizer. Shook it around. It was cute! I put the scarf around the front. Got all dressed and began my new strut out the front door.

I opened the front door and the outside world hit me. I took one step onto the Welcome Mat and I burst into tears. OUT OF NOWHERE. I couldn't do it. I dropped everything and ran to my bathroom to tie my hair up in a scarf. :(

It seems I'm just not ready yet. I have NEVER had short hair. My entire life I've been able to at least have a pony tail. When I decided to go natural my permed hair was really nice. It had grown quite long and I was happy with it. I just had a nagging feeling inside that it wasn't me and I needed to break free from the chemicals.....so I just started avoiding my perms until one day there was a mini fro under there. Then came braids and now I'm 100% naptural.

It's been a little over a year. I guess I thought I should be ready but I'm not. I never realized how important my hair was to me. It's been a part of me for so long. I do wanna cry right now just thinking back on all my cute lil styles over the years. I could always count on my hair to be long and look cute....even if I'd gained weight or my outfit was a mess. Now I don't have my safety net. My security blanket is gone and I feel naked without it.

But....I'm Nichova so I'll be fine. I just need to get used to it. I need baby steps. All the way to work this morning I was telling myself that I'd just get braids for one more year and then I'd be fine. But what if I cry again in a year? This was like an anxiety attack. I was paralyzed.

Lol. I've always hated India Irie's song "I am not my hair"....I felt like she was only saying that cause hers wasn't cute. lol. I was ignant. I see her point. I should feel like me regardless of my hair. I certainly WAS my hair so now I understand that feeling that was in me nagging me to go natural. Freedom was that small voice......

And it makes sense. I've been morphing over the past year. I felt like I was the biggest paradox having a perm and being natural in almost all other ways. I've been making my own natural body products. I'm shopping organic. My final plan is to be vegetarian and not consume animal products. The perm just aint make no sense. This makes more sense. What's right often isn't what's comfortable or what's easiest.

I'm still pretty. I'm still happy. I'm still free. I'm still me. I just look a lil different......