Weak but Strong

Umm. I cannot sleep. I went out with my sis a few hours ago and had two red bulls. I'm wired!

I have no idea what I'm about to write but it always ends up as SOMETHING in the end....

I missed church last week. That really set my week off bad. I didn't have that relaxing break before starting my work week again. I made sure to get there today. So happy that I did.

Nichova isn't an emotional woman. I've got great control over myself 98% of the time. But when I walk through the doors of church those emotional floodgates open. I had a panic attack in church one Sabbath because of this. I cannot deal with not being in control of me.

Thursday was a not too great of a day so after happy hour with coworkers I was on my way home and I randomly decided to swing into church. I've never done that. Walked in the door and IMMEDIATELY my posture relaxed and I felt safe. Like what was outside those doors couldn't get to me anymore. I was sheltered. I smiled.

Men's Bible Study was going on and they told me to come in and join the discussion. I did. And I was blessed. Like a spiritual B12 shot. The topic was heated. I was in a serious debate but it was still cool. When we were done having it out we all held hands and prayed and joked as we left. I drove away feeling relief. That is what I love most about being a Christian....the warmth of my church family. They give the best hugs and know just when you need them.

Friday was a regular day. I woke up and felt like I would have a good day. And in general I did. My coworker had her baby shower so I spent most of my work day buying gifts and wrapping things and taking pictures and eating cake. Hard job but someone had to do it :)

But THANK GOD for Sabbath. I don't know what I would do without this gift. I walked in those doors again and felt like I could be me again.....the person I always suppress because it's easier to fit in with what's out there than to be different....than to be spiritual and confident.

Good ole' Pastor made me cry in the pew today. Yes Nichova let it out today! And I feel so much better. I bought my own copy of the sermon on CD so I can hear it again and share it with people that have gone through what I have.

I guess it wasn't Pastor that made me cry but God through Pastor. I often feel like the sermons are speaking to me but today it was as if no one was in the sanctuary but me and God. I said some prayers and asked some questions just prior to going to church and the ENTIRE sermon DIRECTLY answered my question and went one step further...gave me directions on how to deal with my issues.

It was humbling. The same God that created the universe felt I was special enough to send a message to me. I know I sound crazy to most but I think this happens to everyone at least once...when it happens to you you'll know what I mean. It's awesome.

I suppose after the crazy week I've had I should be writing about those escapades but interestingly enough what impressed me about my week were the moments in church that I faced myself and my life and my choices and I cried. I set myself free.

Guess I had this whole thing backwards. Being a tough girl was counter productive. That's why even my body would revolt when I went to church. I needed to become weak so He could make me strong.

Now I really feel strong. Because it's not like the battle is over. It'll only get worse. Daily I'll be bombarded with temptations and evil and occasionally I'll fall but I'll keep getting back up.
The devil never gives up so I can't either.

The more I align myself with Jesus the more my life will be a struggle just like his was. I welcome the struggle cause I realized this week that I'm not alone. There are thousands just like me.

hmmm.....ended up being SOMETHING in the end after all. :)