Familiar Peace

I've been back for over a week and I haven't written a blog. Not because I cannot think of things to write. Actually it's quite the contrary..... I have soooo much in my head that it's getting clogged up in the bottleneck.

My birthday has passed. I am 26 now. I feel like frowning each time I say it. Feels like I'm running behind a clock and I cannot catch up!

Sorry...I went to my truck to take a nap and ended up sleeping in there for 1.5hrs :(

But yes, my head is clogged. I started writing in my journal a few nights ago and that is helping. My trip to my 'homeland of sorts' has really changed my perspective on so many things. Life. Love. Satisfaction. Men. God. Beauty. You name it and my ideas on the topic have changed.

Old people are very wise. I spent some time with an old man in Trinidad. 84 yrs old. Oxford graduate, lived all over the world, fought in wars......but returned 'home'. That man schooled me on the world in 45minutes. I was like a child listening to a bedtime story. He taught me about the sentiments of love. The limits to the human mind. And the importance of knowing your heritage. You name it and we covered it. I felt that he must have known I was coming and planned his lesson accordingly.

He told his great-granddaughter (my first cousin) 'It is by accident you are born in America, inside you are a Trinidadian'. Fair enough right? So inside I'm a Tobagonian and a St. Lucian.

There must be truth to this. I feel like a biracial child. In America I don't completely fit in. At home my family is living a culturally different life. I commend my grandparents for maintaining the integrity of the culture even though they moved here. When I'm in Tobago I speak 'funny' as they say. I understand everything and feel rejuvenated by the air but I'm still different. I was raised in a foreign land. No matter where I go I'm never 100%.

I'm visiting St. Lucia next. It's been 15yrs since I've been there. I cannot imagine what it will be like to return and see my family. People with the last name Dujon! It won't sound weird. Everyone knows how to pronounce it. But, ofcourse, I am not 100% I don't speak the native language.

After listening to this old wise man I left his home feeling like my chest would burst. I felt such a sense of identity and pride. I could see a purpose to my life. He knew of my ancestory as well. The Dujons and the Bairds. I just thought WOW. That same blood runs in me? Then what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get my purpose together? It was because I didn't know where I came from so I couldnt carve out a plan of where I am going.

My personality isn't weird. It's a heritage. My mindset isn't ignorant, it's just not American. And it shouldn't be, because I'm not.

I feel better. I've always known that here wasn't home, but now I know what home feels like.

Familiar Peace. Surrounded by......Water.