So I'm sick today. This is a total waste of my Sunday. I've been in my room since 5pm Saturday afternoon and I havent been able to eat a meal. But I guess I needed the rest so no more complaining.
This blog often serves as an online diary for me. I know I should be more private because I have no idea who is really reading it but forever I've been told that I'm a closed, cold person. It's not true. I suppose I enjoy being candid. When I was a teenager I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but as my heart started getting abused I tucked it away and parts of me died. Now new breath has been breathed into them and I can remember who I used to be, who I as before the hurt. Kinda cool.
This whole business of following your heart.... I'm stuck in a not so cool situation right now. My heart tells me to consider someone that logic tells me not to. I'm trying to give myself time and hopefully this business will sort itself out. But the more I wait the louder I hear that whisper to move forward with it. I'm Nichova afterall and Nichova simply doesn't take well to rejection. Might be the reason why I've only approached one guy in my entire life. I really just dont know what to do and I feel like I never will.
I know I wrote that blog about No Regrets Please but still....I get scared sometime. I'm human. One inner circle member suggests that I just take that leap regardless of the consequences and another suggest a more cautious approach....making sure it's really worth it. Matters of the heart can be so sometimey ya know.
If this nagging feeling doesn't leave me then I guess I won't have a choice...I'll have to explore it despite my fears. Fears keeps you from having meaningful experiences.
I've prayed about it. I've asked God to let my desires fall inline with His. I've even asked God to silence my desires all together. They get on my nerves. I know patience is the key to making right decisions.
My year of reflection will come to a close in July and I'm actually nervous about it. I'm sorta cozy. I fear that stepping out again will lead to the drama I've escaped all these months. It's given me an excuse to be selfish. lol. Always a plus. I've got another 3.5 months to myself before I have to do something about my problem. Hopefully it goes away before then.
I don't usually write blogs on Sundays.....btw CONGRATS THERESA!!!! you're finally a mommy. :)
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4 comments:
Great for Teresa!
and i always feel like a relationship deserves a chance...the worst thing that can happen is you break it off and keep it movin. but i kno some of my worst regrets are about people I wished i would have tried to pursue a relationship with but now the time is past and never to be regained.
Sooooo what do I do? Pursue or not purse, that is the question.
I don't take to well to rejection either but i see it like this... if you never put yourself out there then you might miss out on a good thing b/c some guys too have rejection issues and thus get scared to make the move. The whole point of love is to take risks. Cuz you know as everyone else should know that love is a risk. You take the risk of falling in love hard and or having your heart broken into a million pieces. Either way we cannot escape the hurt, its in the cycle of life. So i say take a chance. After all what do you have to lose...
I'm reading this book, 'Release the Pain, Embrace the Joy'. It's really cool. I don't think I'm in pain anymore but I'm not so sure I been embracing joy...just sorta coasting. There really is nothing to lose if you don't rely on men to make you feel loved. Not to say that you don't give of yourself in the relationship but that man is not the source of your confidence or your joy (God is) so even if he is a loser he cannot devastate your whole life. Feel me?
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