Losing or Gaining?

It's the truth. Making a stance for God means you have to let go of things that you once held dear. I'm not talking about stupid stuff like alcohol and sex and cursing......I mean real things like love and friendship and desires.

I know that when I was created God had this perfect idea for how my life should go. In order to fullfill my purpose he gave me talents and gifts and insights unique to me. But ofcourse, I used my free-will to turn away and do my own thing.

Now I'm trying to get back on His path but while I was doing my own thing I actually acquired some good things. I acquired some cool friends. I picked up some interesting habits. I began to desire certain things. And ofcourse I found love.

None of those things are necessarily bad; they just weren't for me. So now is the painful part. I've got to let go of the 'treasures' I gathered if they don't fall in line with what my life is supposed to be.

Imagine this. At one point in my life I KNEW who I would spend the rest of my life with. As soon as I started listening to God I realized that I was wrong. I'm wrong but the love still nags.

Imagine this. I had very specific career goals. Now that I'm tapping into my God-given talents (since he's showed them to me) I realize that my 'callling' might be something TOTALLY different.

Imagine this. As I pray the actual desires of my heart change. I no longer pray for the same things because I simply pray that I will instead desire what God has in store. He's got the best presents!

So am I losing or am I really gaining? Sort of balancing the scales except there are much cooler gadgets on the new side of the scale. I'm losing things and people but I'm making some really cool friends and discovering that some I already had are much cooler than I ever imagined. I understand that love is more than what I envisioned. That what I felt/feel for that lost love doesn't compare to what will come....

It does sorta hurt inside nonetheless. No matter how wrong I was for bonding myself to the wrong things/people, the feelings I've developed are no less real.

But time heals all and God is never ever wrong.

You'd be so nice......

I'm not upset anymore. I've moved on....

I have a list of things to talk about but I'm taking a mental break today.

Lyrics to my favorite song:

You'd be so nice to come home to
You'd be so nice by the fire

While that breeze on night sings a lullaby
You'd be all my heart could desire
Under stars chilled by the winter
Under an August moon shining above

You'd be so nice you'd be paradise
To come home to and love

At times I'll just put that song on repeat and let it play for hours. It's simple but soul stirring. My favorite version is performed by Ms. Nina Simone. She plays the piano to lead it in for almost 4minutes. Majority of the emotion is in her piano interpretation of the music. I'm ready to burst before she ever sings a note.

Everyone that appreciates REAL music has a song that is them. This song is me. All I need to hear is the first piano note and my mood is automatically shifted and my eyes close. Anyone that 'gets' this song also 'gets' me.

What song is you?

I AM ANGRY!!!

You know what?! I am sooooo ANGRY right now. I don't get like this often. I am not at my rage level yet but I'm sitting quite nicely on ANGRY.

This morbidly obese heifer at my job was caught doing the unthinkable by my friend/coworker. While I was downstairs getting breakfast he saw her spraying my plants with BUG SPRAY!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! And I know it's true cause when I got back she said 'Nicole don't worry if you smell something funny cause I sprayed my desk with some bug spray.' Her desk NOT MINE OR MY PLANTS.

I am fighting the urge to beat her over the head with my phone receiver. IS SHE CRAZY?!?!?!

Everyone in here knows that my plants are like my children. I care for them with love and diligence. I recently brought in an Azalea. She flowered nicely but about two weeks ago she began to die without reason. She isn't absorbing her water completely and I decided to take her home today for intensive treatments. But I guess the mystery has been solved. Fat Robotnic has sabotaged me.

What should I do. I am thinking the most unChristian thoughts right now. She walked in the office a moment ago and I couldn't hold back my 'MMMM'!!. I wanna flip out in the worst way. But no. This requires thought. I will retreat to my lair tonight and ponder the ultimate revenge.

For now, when she asks me to edit her illiterate emails I will refuse. When she asks me some simple math question I will give her the incorrect answer. I will step on her toe 'accidentally' and possibly unplug her mouse and keyboard from her PC.

THE NERVE OF THIS MONSTER!!!!!!

Emergency!!!

I gotta get the word about this silent killer.

My story:
My job is stressful. I have volunteered myself for a trillion church things. I have BILLS. Not bills but BILLS. I have a deadline for achieving my weight loss. And my family puts an enormous amount of pressure on me for greatness.

So,
I've been under the weather for almost two months now. Various ailments have plagued me. I kept feeling a cold coming on but I fought it off twice in March. Early April I succumbed but it was the superflu that got me. I was laid up in my bed for days. Once that was done I had a lingering cough that just left a few days ago. I had to go to the Emergency Room because the cough was so bad my entire body was in pain from the strain.

I've had some chronic chest pains since February. I ofcourse ignore pain if it's not extreme but Saturday night it got extreme and I once again found myself in the emergency room. So far they can't find anything wrong with me except anemia. I have an appt to see my Internalist Monday.

Scary stuff aint it. I didn't even mention the migraines and extreme fatigue and scoliosis that affects my posture. I sound like a leper :(

But in the hospital I learned something shocking. Almost all of my ailments might be caused by stress!!! I am literally aging myself by allowing stress to actually become a part of my life. I've been under severe stress for so long that I feel like it's normal. When I felt pure peace a few weeks ago I found myself having a panic attack in church.

This is just craziness. All the 'circle' members know that I am focusing on my health (spiritual and physical) but I think it comes down to me just saying 'no'. I cannot be all and do all for all people. I want to help everyone and take care of everything but it's not possible. I get it all done but at the cost of my health?!

I need to learn to just nibble at things instead of taking such huge bites of problems at a time. Every muscle in my body has been engaged and it even hurts to turn my neck at work. Funny how this crept up on me. Never would have realized what was going on had I not ended up in the hospital.

Never again. My one and only project for now is learning how to first de-stress, then setting up protective boundaries for my life so I am never so loaded again. We all need at least 40minutes to ourselves...awake not sleeping.

Take a look at your life and make sure this isn't happening to you. I'm single without any kids. I don't drink or smoke yet my body still folded from stress. I'm sure alot of you mothers out there are so stressed it's affecting your health as well.

Be careful people!

Naked

I'm back!

I attended a Conference for Women yesterday and I've got blogging material for at least a good month. Please visit regularly so I can drop some knowledge on your foreheads.

It is Sabbath morning right now. I'm waiting for my lil cousin to get out of the shower so I can get in (she takes forever).

I think I've changed. ALOT. I wore my face full of make-up yesterday for the conference for the first time since my baptism. I felt SOOOO unconfortable. I don't think I can do it anymore. The exercise the Pastor forced me to do seems to have made a big difference in my life. I simply feel better as the natural me. The whole day I felt like a clown with facepaint on.

Later in the afternoon I went to get my biweekly mani-pedi. I got my favorite shade of green on my toes and I got a cute neutral on my fingers. I must say that I prefer the neutrals. The green feels awkwardish.

I don't think my change has anything to do with religion or faith or any of that. I think it has to do with acceptance. The real me does not have bright red lips or green toes. lol. I've been wearing make-up for so long that the natural me got lost in all the shades. I don't advocate for either or. I just know for me I'm going to try and enhance what I already look like naturally.

I gave it some thought at the nail shop. My nail lady is so beautiful to me. And then I realized I've never seen her with a stitch of make-up or loud nail colors or anything. She's beautiful to me BECAUSE she's cozy with herself the way she is.

So look forward to me sporting myself with a far more neutral pallet of shades....if I wear any at all.

Oh and I had the same experience with my jewelry.

CONGRATS TO THE NICHOVA CHRONICLES!!!

YEAH!!!. I just realized that I've hit a blogging milestone. 50 blogs!!!! So to celebrate the occasion I will list my top 10 blogs thus far in descending order then name the winner.

Honorable Mentions

Nicole the Grouch
i like me.

No Regrets Please
realization

Math
utter randomness. yet cute and intelligent.

Gotta Get My Life Together
interesting observation

10. Milk Chocolate Love
about music..nuff said

9. My Inner Circle
about my friends..nuff said

8. Worth
about me..nuff said. lol

7. Women Shave your Legs!!!
something that was on my chest for awhile

6. Black People
mmm

5. Nicole, Naturally
:)

4. Can I Rub Your Head and Wash Your Hair
bigger :)

3. Caribbean Massive
about my men..nuff said.

2. Black Men Reading
my gift to my brothers

1. The ONLY one
my gift to myself


And my absolute favorite is.........(Drum roll Please)................................................................................

Rape & Divorce

This blog flowed like water out of me. The truest lesson I've learned about how I became 'that girl' full of scars.

I am proud of my blog. When I re-read some of my blogs they seem really interesting to me. I make myself laugh quite a bit. NicHova's cool!! Tell ya friends about me!!

btw....the other blogs that didn't make the list are just as good....please spend some time and enlighten yourselves with the knowledge I drop like hot fiyah.

LOL.

Yall married?

Ok I just finished the previous blog and I feel impressed to write another. I am doing no work today.

So I know quite a few people dealing with cheating 'mates'. Not like in a marriage or anything, just the regular relationship. It really hurts my heart to see this happening. People are mixing themselves up in relationships that mimic marriage but really aren't. Girls especially. All it takes is for that man to call you 'wifey' and you cooking him dinner and hand-washing his boxers. Shouldn't it take more than that for you to start performing wifey duties....like being a real WIFE. Stop giving folks access to all you are before they make some sort of serious serious commitment to you. If you aint a wife stop acting like one! You're gonna get hurt badly.

People that live together make this mistake alot. I lived with a boyfriend before and I felt like I was supposed to be cooking dinner and he should be taking out trash and all that. But let's be real. That's wasn't my husband! People get all confused. You are only dating this individual. So when the relationship ends...and most do, you end up having to divide up not only possessions but your emotions; far more than you would have otherwise.

I'd also like for someone to explain to me how it is you can forgive a cheating mate? I could NEVER. I don't care if I have 50kids with the man I am LEAVING. I don't know how you can forgive even the suspicion of cheating. If the man allowed a situation to occur that gives off the impression of cheating I'm LEAVING. Maybe cause I'm just super loyal so I expect the same. I cannot comprehend how women are internalizing this and forgiving. No way in the world. Someone please tell me how this is done. Please. Are yall not feeling? Is self-esteem that distant. Self-respect? How do you sleep with that individual ever again. I wouldn't let the man breathe in my direction. And I sure wouldn't let my children see that I am a pushover with no limits to the disrespect I'll tolerate. I won't tolerate none. None atall.

No need to waste 5yrs of your youth on loser after loser, or just one big loser the whole time. We don't get any of our time back. And it speaks to your self-image when you stay despite that gut feeling. I didn't really like myself that much during those relationships. I would always gain like 20-30lbs and end up having to work it off when I finally got out. Like I am doing right now.

Now that I am cool with me again I just don't understand how I justified those relationships to myself. It was so ridiculous. Such a waste of energy and RESOURCES.

And when the relationship ends please just cry it out. But accept your blame. There is always partial blame. The cheater might be a jerk but you picked em. That person didn't just wake up and become a cheater. Something rang an alarm in your head long before and you ignored it. So yes be mad at em but equally be upset with yourself.

Time for accountability people.

Avoid the unnecessary pain.