Immortal Beloved

If you have not seen the Sex in the City movie please don't continue reading this blog.

It's 3:08AM. Just got back from seeing the movie with my sis. Whew! I never really watched the show but I really enjoyed the movie. The acting was somewhat corny but the story was incredible to me.

I LOL alot but I had a steady lump in my throat the whole time.

Carrie. Her story is the story of so many women! I figured I'd see very little of myself in her character and I was right.....except for the pain. There were a few scenes where the pain she felt of a broken heart mimicked my life.

I've had my heart torn out of me three times. It literally hurt to breathe. The first time I thought I'd never ever smile again. The second time was by far the hardest. I was a zombie for about 9months. I remember just living in a distant fog. The third time I remember just crumbling to the floor and holding my stomach. I've experienced some real unbearable pain in my relatively short life. I've always managed to get through them by myself. I've never shared what has happened to me on an emotional level. I've told my friends the details of the circumstances but never how it's made me feel. Huh. Guess I should have.

It hurts me to watch women in pain from heartbreak. And I mean true heartbreak. None of my heartbreak was as a result of someone cheating on me. I actually think I could tolerate that more. I was discarded. I wasn't valued. I was used. I was manipulated. I was torn. Men literally cannot feel as much emotional pain as we can. They were not made with the capacity to even understand it.

I don't think I've dealt with it yet. I thought I had but obviously I haven't if a fictional movie brings those experiences to the surface. The woman I am today most definitely was born of strife. The woman I used to be I truly miss. I miss me alot. I was so innocent and hopefull. Now I'm logical about everything, even about love and emotions. I really don't want to feel those horrible feelings again. This is how I cope although I know I can't do it forever.

I guess I'm a little mad. Of all people I don't think I ever deserved to go through so much emotional devastation. So why me? What do you do differently to avoid these things. Love less? I look at teenage girls and I want to literally cry at times because I can see their future. They are in for such an eye opening surprise. One day in the future they 'll lose that sparkle in their eyes.

Before I went to the movie I was thinking about how I've forgotten what a kiss feels like. I really have! I've forgotten how to hold hands even! I was wondering if I'll ever experience those things again. Seems like a forever away.

Carrie ends up marrying Mr. Big despite the pain their relationship caused her. I think about if I'll end up like that. ..maybe I'll take a look at my past and find that is where the love is.

I just want to smile. Forever. Is that too much. I don't even care to live long. I just want to smile for the years that I am living. I've done enough of the sad and upset.

An Immortal Beloved. What a concept. What a treasure. What an expectation.