Fearing Devastation

Speechless. I don't know where I'm going to find the words for this one.

My mom JUST called me to tell me that someone in our family died last night. Unexpectedly. A very very close friend to my grandfather. His best friend. They grew up together and they are the same age. My mom called to tell me that my grandfather is not taking it well at all. My day just ended.

I remember Antie Carmen but not in detail. I remember the last time she visited she was sooo lively. Feisty lady in GREAT health. How sobering. How shocking. How humbling.

You know how it is when you are bombarded with so many emotions that nothing can be expressed. You just sit there. I'm just sitting here.

I knew her. I cannot say I loved her because I did not know her that well. But I love my grandfather. If he's scared then I'm scared too. He just turned 76 a few weeks ago. I think that if I lose my grandfather my life will forever change. I cannot imagine the grief. My mind rejects the thought.

My grandparents keep my family together. Without them we probably wouldn't even speak half the time. Sabbath lunch is our one and only fellowship. The Patriarch and Matriarch are the rocks of my life.

I make comments about how I wish Jesus would come and just end this world's story. I really mean that. And secretly it's because I don't want to experience the loss of my family members. We've been so fortunate thus far. No one in our immediate family has passed away. I lost my Dad's parents many years ago but I'd only met them each maybe twice. It hurt me but I wasn't devastated. I fear the devastation.

When my mom called I was worrying about how I'm gonna lose the last 15lbs before my birthday.

Sure not thinking about that anymore.