Happiness is the plan

I told my buddy this afternoon that I miss my life. I miss how peaceful it used to be and how content I was. Simplicity is priceless. I got stressed out and went back to my old coping mechanisms and somehow I QUICKLY find myself at the bottom of a slippery slope.

I have somewhat of a mentor that told me 'Nicole, if you arent losing friends and making new ones then you arent changing.' I didnt like that when I heard it. I set out to ignore it and prove him wrong. No way would any of my friendships end. But it has happened and will continue to happen.

I'm on somewhat of a wacky journey. I made some spiritual decisions that I knew wouldnt be easy. The greatest things never come easily. I've been trying to break some horrible habits and patterns and I can be honest with myself and say that I've faultered quite a bit. But that's ok. I'm only human. It's just a part of my incredible journey; the lessons were well worth the detour.

My ultimate goal has always been happiness. Happiness for everyone. Even the people I dont like! We all only got this one life to live and what is the sense in being all angry and spiteful and upset. In the grand scheme of the universe, what we often consider 'important' rarely even deserves conversation.

I'll keep changing cause I'm enjoying the metamorphasis. Not many will understand but I know it is necessary. The aspirations I have for my lfe require constantly pushing for more and more. The blessings are in the disappointments.

The simpler my life, the happier.

Gotta remember..............happiness is the plan.

Foot massage please

I like foot massages. I think people really underestimate a good massage. My body has been aching and cracking for almost two weeks now. This happens when I am under stress. Work is stressing me; life is stressing me; I am stressing me!

This aint right and I know it. I'm taking baby steps to rid myself of alot of stressors but in the meantime I need a massage.

(This is not a solicitation ad)

I'm at work and my head hurts so I'm taking a blogging break and all I can think to say is how badly I'd like a foot massage and a lavender bath.

A cup of ginger tea with honey would set it off.

Company and companionship are so priceless. I want a human version of the completeness a dog often brings to a bachelor. Just a chill partner that'll crack my toes and watch Lifetime with me.

(Once again, this is not a solicitation ad)

But that's all.

Perfect example of my randomness.

.....I need my back cracked too.

Am I gone forever?

I haven't written anything in awhile. Alot has happened in the last few weeks.

To keep it short, I self-destructed. Instead of retracing steps I crumbled under some immense stress and just lost my way. Now I'm exhausted and farther away from happiness than I was before.

I'm having a chit chat online with my buddy and I realized that we sound like 40yr old divorced women! Tired. Drained. Dejected. Unenthusiastic. Done!

I remember when I was a 'good' girl. 'Good' really means naive. I had the purest of hopes and dreams. Life can take a black permanent marker over your plans. I can't even remember what they were!

I just wish I could find that girl again. She existed before the loser boyfriends, the disloyal friends, debt, torn family, sex.....

So much has happened since I was 17. If I could do it all again I might just live in a cave somewhere and chill. Anything to never have jaded myself so heavily.

Things like love, decent men and fairytales seem like a joke. That shouldn't be. The world isn't all bad but it seems like I've only come across the bad; over and over and over again.

Am I gone forever? Is the real me lost forever. I pray not. That would be such a shame. I used to be the sweetest thing on two legs. Now I'm far more aggressive than I want to be but survival forces those instincts to develop.

I'll still keep a look out for fairytales and decent men(lol, that is still a funny prospect).

Can't be hopeless. I can't be lost forever.

Retracing my steps....

I'm cutting back on the blogging. But not permenantly. I just need some 'me' time. Blogging sort of interferes with my train of thought. I might be working through something personal or studying something Biblical and my mind isn't set for blogging but I do it because it's a habit and I know people read it.

I have alot of things I want to study and investigate within myself so Nichova is stepping away for a little while. I might blog about random things I see here and there but no more blogging about me and my life for a lil bit.

I realized yesterday that getting re-baptized was just the first step in a very long journey. I heard that statement before but I finally get it. It gets harder when you actually stand up for something. Life is cool when you just accept everything and befriend everyone. I'm supposed to feel resistance when I do what is right. I felt it, and it was strong, and I think I slowly caved under the pressure. I've noticed that alot of my old life are creeping back into my present. I've strayed a little bit and that distance between me and God has grown.......I feel the emptiness and that hurts. Imagine that you spend time constantly with your best friend and then slowly you guys just don't chill as tough as you used to. That's how I feel right now.

I need to take a broom and clear things out of my life and my mind. De clutter my life a little bit so God has the room He needs to perform the miracles He always had in store for me. This will also give me the mental clarity to listen to His instruction and live the life that makes me happy. I'm not happy today.

Those who know God know what true peace and joy and happiness feel like. I'm sort of jealous because I used to know what those things felt like. When those feelings leave you feel quite empty.

Tired of feeling empty.

Empty Souls

There is a very interesting subset of human being lurking among us. These are the psychopaths.

I am very intrigued by these people. Mainly because I have had the horrible experience of personally knowing two and dealing with their insane behavior.

I've always been interested in the human mind. It is such an extraordinary computer. God is truly awesome! I worked at a Psych Hospital for a year and the range of disorders and diseases is staggering. But none are as special as the psychopath.

You see, a psychopath has NO mental dysfunction. In fact, this person is in perfect mental health. What they have instead is a personality disorder. (btw, who determines which personalities are normal?) A psychopath has no ability to feel. They cannot empathize or sympathize. They are purely driven by the desire to satisfy their personal need for something. This something might be sex, money, shelter, food, attention, other material possessions.....

Because they cannot feel genuine emotions for others, they also don't feel guilty when their actions hurt another. They don't understand the impact they have on another person's life. And telling them doesn't help. They have to manipulate the emotions of other people to get what they want. They are often subtle and almost ALWAYS have a higher IQ than the general population. To put it plainly, psychopaths prey on the emotions of others and the get better with time. You've got to be savvy to recognize one. Nichova is savvy!

That does not mean they are necessary bad people. I look at them more as robots that respond only to basic stimuli; their needs.

The only time they will display what seems to be a genuine emotion is when they are about to get caught in their deceit. As the truth begins to close in on them, the psychopath will often thrash about, lashing out as they try to regain control of the situation. This lashing out will usually get them caught even faster. The walls eventually crumble and they are exposed. But instead of being shamed into becoming a decent citizen, the psychopath will only relocate and try all over again.

Sounds stupid doesn't it. But that is what you do when you do not have emotions to help guide you through life. They cannot even learn from their own mistakes.

Nothing is sadder than a psychopath. Honestly. They are missing out on what makes life great. The first psychopath I dealt with has continued to attempt to deceive people to satisfy a selfish desire. The law got involved and this empty soul is now facing jail time.

The second is still out there. Terrorizing people because they cannot obtain the attention they so desperately desire. This one is more sophisticated but from what I've heard the end result is still the same. They end up having to relocate and try their manipulations elsewhere.

These two people have snatched me back to my original love of Psychology. I never liked Biochemistry. I only did it because I could and I thought I had to prove something. (silly reason)

I am a Cancer. I don't study Astrology but there is a rumor that we possess some subtle discerning and sometimes psychic abilities. lol . I don't think I'm a psychic but I do believe that I have the ability to pick up on someone's true character very quickly. This often pisses off psychopaths I come in contact with. This will sound weird, but their spirits always rub me the wrong way. I can see the emptiness in someone's eyes, the lack of a soul. No deception or manipulation in the world can cover those two things.

My method for dealing with psychopaths is to just leave them alone. I dont even speak to em unless I have no other choice. Honestly, I just don't become a part of their lives and I don't let them into mine. Problem is that over 4million psychopaths occupy the US alone! This means that EVERYONE has dealt with one at some point and probably didn't realize it. Take a second look at that wayward family member that lies about EVERYTHING. The manipulative coworker you cannot stand. Or even the guy you dated that seemed to be living a double life. Even that person you felt sorry for because it seemed like every week something bad happened to them. That person who's eyes gave you creeps for a split second.

Or, maybe you're the psychopath.....

Familiar Peace

I've been back for over a week and I haven't written a blog. Not because I cannot think of things to write. Actually it's quite the contrary..... I have soooo much in my head that it's getting clogged up in the bottleneck.

My birthday has passed. I am 26 now. I feel like frowning each time I say it. Feels like I'm running behind a clock and I cannot catch up!

Sorry...I went to my truck to take a nap and ended up sleeping in there for 1.5hrs :(

But yes, my head is clogged. I started writing in my journal a few nights ago and that is helping. My trip to my 'homeland of sorts' has really changed my perspective on so many things. Life. Love. Satisfaction. Men. God. Beauty. You name it and my ideas on the topic have changed.

Old people are very wise. I spent some time with an old man in Trinidad. 84 yrs old. Oxford graduate, lived all over the world, fought in wars......but returned 'home'. That man schooled me on the world in 45minutes. I was like a child listening to a bedtime story. He taught me about the sentiments of love. The limits to the human mind. And the importance of knowing your heritage. You name it and we covered it. I felt that he must have known I was coming and planned his lesson accordingly.

He told his great-granddaughter (my first cousin) 'It is by accident you are born in America, inside you are a Trinidadian'. Fair enough right? So inside I'm a Tobagonian and a St. Lucian.

There must be truth to this. I feel like a biracial child. In America I don't completely fit in. At home my family is living a culturally different life. I commend my grandparents for maintaining the integrity of the culture even though they moved here. When I'm in Tobago I speak 'funny' as they say. I understand everything and feel rejuvenated by the air but I'm still different. I was raised in a foreign land. No matter where I go I'm never 100%.

I'm visiting St. Lucia next. It's been 15yrs since I've been there. I cannot imagine what it will be like to return and see my family. People with the last name Dujon! It won't sound weird. Everyone knows how to pronounce it. But, ofcourse, I am not 100% I don't speak the native language.

After listening to this old wise man I left his home feeling like my chest would burst. I felt such a sense of identity and pride. I could see a purpose to my life. He knew of my ancestory as well. The Dujons and the Bairds. I just thought WOW. That same blood runs in me? Then what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get my purpose together? It was because I didn't know where I came from so I couldnt carve out a plan of where I am going.

My personality isn't weird. It's a heritage. My mindset isn't ignorant, it's just not American. And it shouldn't be, because I'm not.

I feel better. I've always known that here wasn't home, but now I know what home feels like.

Familiar Peace. Surrounded by......Water.

I'm back!!!/Rat Race

I'm back!!!!

I had a WONDERFUL time. Indescribable.

Tobago was ofcourse better than Trinidad. I saw my family I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 long years!!! I can't understand why I was away for so long. Seeing Tobago as an adult was so different from what I remember as a child.

I learned alot about alot. The lessons learned on my trip will be the topics of my blogs for quite some time.

I am at work right now and I am quite exhausted. I went out with my cousins Saturday night and went directly to the airport. I arrived in New York around 6pm. Then visited some family and drove to Maryland. I was at my front door at 3am. (I'm always doing the most....) Made it to work for 9am this morning.

As I sit here I just want to leave....book a flight and heads off. I don't know what is so great about this country. I don't see the point in any of it. Why the 9-5. Why the bills. Why the cubicle. Why the stress. Why the rat race?! It's sad because we don't even realize how much of life we aren't living. I'm not saying ditch everything and move but at least recognize how large the world is and how diverse we are.

I am seriously considering attending graduate school out of the country. My little cousin and my aunt are moving to Belgium next month. Extended family is sending their kids to finishing school in Nigeria. I am all for this. Get out there. See what the world really is. It is NOT the US.

I had the luxury of not traveling as a tourist because of my family. Someone once told me that all the islands they'd been to looked the same. Snorkeling, snuba, jet ski.....bla bla bla. lol. what a shame to miss out on the rich history of these countries because instead of learning people just look for the shore.

Next stop for me is St. Lucia. I'm waiting for my cousin or dad to come with me because I HATE language barriers. I imagine that my experience there will match my time in Tobago.

But really, beware of this life we've become accustomed to. The rat race will kill you slowly. Live life.

Finally got to the water :)