Hurt People

This past Sabbath was Singles Sabbath at church. It was quite interesting. We had a Seventh-Day Adventist Clinical Psychologist as the guest speaker. She's also the head of Singles Ministries for the North American Division of SDAs.

Singleness in church is so interesting. If you go unmarried for a long time people start trying to pair you off with someone. It's almost like something is wrong with you if you don't find a mate. But the Psychologist made a good point. There is a shortage of men in the world but there is an even greater shortage of men in the church. Most church women want to marry a church man and that is NOT easy to do. And it's only getting worse as time goes by.

But the most eye opening portion of Saturday was the evening question and answer session. I realized that the women in the church are in various forms of pain. All of them had some traumatic experience. Some were molested or raped as young girls. Some were in abusive marriages. Abusive relationships. Loveless relationships. The usual was a verbally/emotionally abusive situation that they stayed in for the sake of their kids.

My age group was under-represented but I have an idea of what women my age are dealing with. I got friends same age as me already divorced. Single mothers. Abusive relationships; I was in one of these myself.

I realized that my year of non-dating and self exploration was well spent. I've been dealing with alot my issues. I was a very hurt person. The traumatic experiences of my life simply compounded and I can honestly say I was an emotional zombie. I wasn't fit to be in a relationship. I have a few things I really wanna delve into still. I think women need to deal with their hurts. We are carrying them into our relationships. Yes men are to blame also but we need to do our part and not burden them with our issues subconsciously.

I think I was a b*tch in one of my relationships. I was sooo naive in the one prior. The hurt from the first caused me to just flip to the other extreme. It wasn't guy #2's fault that guy #1 was an ass. And though they were both not for me I still didn't need to do my part to escalate the situation. By the time I got to guy #3 I was all over the place. That one ended up being abusive in a very interesting way. He didn't outright hit me but he was so dangerously passive aggressive I think I woulda preferred taking a beating.

Pain is only for a season if you allow yourself to process it. Don't block it up until you forget about it and think it's ok to date someone new. That person will have to deal with your past even if you don't realize it.

Love is out there for all of us. I trust that God has my person already picked out. I'm dealing with my issues now so he won't have to in the future.

Hurt people hurt people.

Huge Hamburger.....

Ok. So I can't even write. I took 3X the dosage of psyllium husks (a bulk forming fiber) and I can't think straight. It feels like I've swallowed a huge hamburger without chewing it.

This is in preparation for my final colonic. I am only drinking water and tea until this colonic in 4hrs. I want to get it ALL out. ALL of it.

I feel for the technician lady.....it's gonna be a wild scene in there.

LOL.

Caribbean Massive.....

Aight. So my friend had up a blog post and I left a comment. http://prettynpnk-n-randomshyt.blogspot.com/2008/04/im-going-to-hell-now.html

Basically I cannot with a clear conscience recommend that someone date a Jamaican, Trinidadian, Tobagonian or a Haitian man. Unless of course I know the man personally and he's proven to be decent.

These islands produce unfaithful men. Period. Nowhere in their minds does the thought of monogamy exist. And honestly, the women of these islands know it and pretty much accept it. They don't even flip out that much when these men are caught cheating. If you wanna call it 'caught' cause they rarely try to seriously hide it.

Now I'm not a 'hater' as her 'man-friend' called me this morning. Not at all. I LOVE the men of the Caribbean. Actually I am loyal to em. I know that I'm going to marry one of them or I won't get married at all. I need one of them to take charge of me. I can be a handful. I don't think African American guys have what it takes to truly get inside my mind and calm me. They are just so potent; in every way. I need a peanut punch drinkin man. Their maleness is undeniable. Overpowering. It's just so....mmm.

YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! I'll shampoo ya locks. Oh gosh.

MMM. let me stop for a second and breathe.............................................................................................................aight I'm back.

I'm West Indian so I know these things. I'm going to recommend a few islands to those women who, like me, cannot date men other than those from the West Indies.

1. St. Lucia - this is my dad and his side of the family. They are quite cute. All of my millions of cousins are very attractive. They tend to have dreads alot as well; always a plus. These men are hard workers and take care of their children. They cheat but not on the high levels of the Jamaican and Trini man. You need to give this man sex all the time and keep your body right. They like eye candy. They are linear thinkers like me and my dad. French inspired accents.

2. St. Kitts (the Virgin Islands in general) - these ones are pretty friendly. Social. Not so rugged if you like that type. I'd dare to say maybe a lil sensitive. I can't stand soft men but some girls do. More prone to show their emotions. And of course, all men have the potential to cheat, but these are more in tune with such things as love and crap. lol. Good luck.

3. Grenada - They don't do the dreads so much so I'm not sure. They are more of the home building type of men. More church men I think per population. Average on the attractive scale. Nothing special. Just decent men. I have seen some ashy heels on a few of these. The accent is cute.

4. Barbados / Bahamas / Antigua - now my mom recommended these for me. I don't know many personally but I would suspect they are chill characters. If I had to chose I'd pick Bahamas then Barbados based on looks. I like a darker but silken man. lol. I'm crazy. Antiguans are lighter. No can do. I feel the light skinned ones are lacking in potency, lil watered down.

5. Guyana - technically not the West Indies, actually South America. But they share our culture so they get included. I dated one of these for quite some time. They are similar to Trinidad I believe; maybe because they are so close to each other. Now these know how to cook. I like that ALOT. They got the indians like Trinidad but you can easily find a pure black one. The accent sounds comical to me but it's an accent so...... The food is great. Curry like I like. This one is hard for me to call cause the one I dated is making it hard for me to make blanket statements. He has dreads now and I don't think he's the cheating type...so take it for what it is when making your decisions.

I'm not familiar with the men of most of the other islands too much. I really must big up my St. Lucians though. If I wasn't probably related to the whole island I'd marry me one of them. They are the cutest by far. Complete package for me anyways. Oh yeah, they cook too. My dad can throw down far better than my mom.

Not to toss Trini and Jamaica to a corner.....they are great too......EXCEPT they cannot be faithful. Plain truth of it all.

btw....Nichova will re-enter the dating world in July. Watch out world!

Colonic #2

I apologize. I've been neglecting my blog. I've been BUSY.

Just last night I spent 4hrs in the ER because since my horrific flu earlier this month I've been coughing. And not just the cute, cover your mouth, cough. I've been hacking and my body is now on strike. The ER folks had the audacity to tell me that I either have asthma or allergies. I KNOW this ain't true so I'm going to find a doctor that agrees with me.

But I'm going to share the specifics about my second colonic I had on the 25th.....

This time I used the 'open system'. This is about to be gross....lol. Please don't eat and read at the same time.

So instead of a table there is what I can best describe as a lazy boy recliner with a toilet attachment. You disrobe from the waist down and sit on this lazy boy bed and there is a big opening where your 'bum' is. That opening leads to the machine.

So the thing that is inserted is skinnier than your pinky finger. (You gotta put it in there yourself this time. It was nothing, really) The lady comes back in the room and simply turns on the water and leaves you alone. The water never gets turned off. When I start to get full and I feel the need to 'go' you just 'go'. And it goes into the machine and you can see it fly by in the tube. Quite interesting. You're just on a reclining toilet bowl for an hour. I liked it. This way I'm in control rather than her. Downside is that you can become lazy. There were about 10minutes where I just didn't feel like holding it in and pushing myself so the results weren't as great. I finally stopped being lazy the last 5minutes and I held it long and when I let it out there was quite a bit of 'stuff'.

But unlike last time I wasn't real gassy. Instead I had mucus. It looked like thinned out cotton coming out in the water. Apparently mucus has to do with inflammation. I must be quite an inflamed somebody.

But I had a pleasant time. At one point I was humming. lol.

I have one more this coming Friday. I intend to go back to the closed system this time so the technician can really push me that extra mile.....

Update will follow.

Born Again in Love

Wow Wow Wow!!!! I did soooo much this weekend. I ended it all by sleeping 14hrs. Refreshed!

I got baptized! It was the best day of my life to this point. I felt just fine without the make-up and jewelry. I sorta liked it. Cut out like 20min of prep time. My hair is so low maintenance right now I'm thinking very seriously about dreading my hair in a year or two.

When I put on the white robe and then walked into the big pool it felt a lil surreal. Being in the water you do feel the parallel of being born again. I did feel like I was giving up my old self and leaving her in that water. It was really amazing. Only way to understand is to get in there an experience it for yourself.

It was great to stand there and watch the person after me and know that ALL the crazy things I did in my life up until that point were forgotten and I have a new way to live. Not that I won't sin, just that I have a help through it all. He had an amazing story. His wife was praying for him for over a decade and he finally made the decision to do it. Tearful moment.

And my daddy came. :) I was happy he came. My friends came too. :) Thanks!!!! I need you guys to help me. Hold me accountable for the things I do that are obviously wrong. I am tryna stop cursing and drinking alcohol. So slap my hand if you see me reaching for a glass of wine or something.

Oh and yes I had to sing on the praise team. Most said we sounded aight and others (my sis, a veteran singer in church) could notice that we were uncomfortable. I think for not practicing with our musicians, having bronchitis, and not being able to hear myself in the mic we did ok. It'll be much better next time....

And there was lunch at my house. There were lots of people there. Thanks to my mom and some ladies of the church for helping with the cooking.

This blog is long so I'll do another post on the rest of the weekend's activities shortly.

Thank you to all those who came to support me. I felt sooooo very loved. Thank you for the cards and the hugs and kisses and even the tears. Thank you for spending time with me. When I looked out and saw all those people standing for me my life felt full. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you!!!

Tears had to flow

I don't cry often but I had no choice a few minutes ago. I was watching the tv in our work cafe and saw the news about the acquittal of the detectives that shot the 23yr old bridegroom on his wedding day in New York.

Tears had to flow. That hurt me. Alot. How evil the world is; how horrible humans can be towards one another. How could a judge rule this way?! It just hurts me. Alot.

I'm sure I've blogged in the past about the frivolities of life and focusing on what is really important but I must say it again. This man was only 23! He's dead and gone. Left behind the love of his life and his daughter. I wonder if as I make plans for the future are they in vain? Nicole could die tonight on her way home from work. Then the vacation I am so concerned about in July would be a non-issue.

What about today? Am I a good person today? Am I respecting and loving people? Or am I hurting them? Am I preoccupied with shoes or do I realize that people are hungry all around me? Have I ignored those around the world by changing the channel or do I keep them in my heart and in my prayers; truly? Will I settle for money or will I make my life matter.? Will I save someone from shedding a tear? Will I be remembered or will I be forgotten?

I'm not gonna lie. I am nervous about tomorrow. It's like I don't wanna sin anymore but I just can't stop. That is my nature. But I gotta stop trying and let God handle it.

The more I try not to sin the more I do. It's just like if someone tells you not to look at a spot on their shirt. You're gonna try hard but you'll look eventually. But if they told you to think about the beach instead you could do that and eventually forget about the spot. Instead of trying not to sin I'm gonna focus on my relationship with God.

I just imagine a time when all this pain in the world will go away.......far far away.

Nicole, naturally.

Interesting night. Very interesting.

I met with my Pastor; my final pre-baptism discussion. I had the opportunity to ask him any pressing questions and he told me some things he thought might help me in the future.

I'm not wearing any makeup or jewelry this Sabbath. Doesn't sound like a big deal to yall but it is at least significant to me. I don't wear make up that much during the week but I ALWAYS do for church; cause I'm all dressed up. I wear basic jewelry during the week but I'll pull out the major ones for church. But I won't this Sabbath. I'm going BARE.

It's a good idea that I present myself to God as just me, Nicole, naturally. I think it will humble me. I'll feel vulnerable. I like for people to say I'm pretty and it's possible that I won't feel pretty in church without my 'stuff' on.

It's a great exercise. I'll learn if I am a slave to vanity. If I'm superficial. If I need to work on another aspect of me.....

I'm beautiful regardless but I suppose I need to not let makeup and jewelry become a part of what makes me beautiful.

Interesting.