I was driving to work this morning and I heard on the radio that Gerald Lavert's younger brother died this weekend at the age of 39 I believe. I have no idea what the guy looked like and I was never a fan of their music but the news was still very sobering. Those parents have lost both of their children in under a year. God help them. I have no children but I have people I love and the pain I would feel in losing any of them pales in comparison to what their parents must feel.
I wondered about death. It doesn't scare me. I'm a sinner and I mess up every single day but I feel secure that I'll be saved. My little cousin asked me a million questions about death on Friday. She went to the new Human Body exhibit in Baltimore and saw all those dead people and body parts. She was paranoid about death. But what is the need for paranoia? The dead know nothing. For those dead in Christ it is a mere sleep. I've been ASLEEP before and I might as well have been dead. Once a whole day had past and I didn't know. I've undergone surgery. The anesthesia was SERIOUS. I have no idea what occurred during that period of time. But I know it didn't hurt, I wasn't scared, I simply knew nothing. Not so bad.
One old lady at church said how she's sick of this life anyways. She's lived long enough and she's tired of payin bills. lol. She's secure in her fate. I wanna experience a few things before my time but I'm sure Gerald and his brother wanted to as well. They never thought their lives would end so suddenly. I could leave for lunch in a few minutes and not make it back. Then what? It happens to someone every day. Young and old.
This is repetitive I know but I really do feel like I'm wasting time not doing and saying all the things that are important to me. What if the people I need to say something to aren't here much longer? I have alot of those in my heart. People will think I'm crazy if I just tell them I love them outa the blue. Or that I'm sorry. Living each day like it's your last is a real thing. It's the reason why getting up and going to work each day bugs me so much. Is this really all my life is to be? Impossible.
No Regrets Right? So if I'm true to me then I can't do this much longer. I'll have to shun the pretenses and delve into what satisfies me. Forget protocol and really 'talk' to a few people.
..........Deep inhale............strong exhale.........and off I go.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sick and bored.
So I'm sick today. This is a total waste of my Sunday. I've been in my room since 5pm Saturday afternoon and I havent been able to eat a meal. But I guess I needed the rest so no more complaining.
This blog often serves as an online diary for me. I know I should be more private because I have no idea who is really reading it but forever I've been told that I'm a closed, cold person. It's not true. I suppose I enjoy being candid. When I was a teenager I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but as my heart started getting abused I tucked it away and parts of me died. Now new breath has been breathed into them and I can remember who I used to be, who I as before the hurt. Kinda cool.
This whole business of following your heart.... I'm stuck in a not so cool situation right now. My heart tells me to consider someone that logic tells me not to. I'm trying to give myself time and hopefully this business will sort itself out. But the more I wait the louder I hear that whisper to move forward with it. I'm Nichova afterall and Nichova simply doesn't take well to rejection. Might be the reason why I've only approached one guy in my entire life. I really just dont know what to do and I feel like I never will.
I know I wrote that blog about No Regrets Please but still....I get scared sometime. I'm human. One inner circle member suggests that I just take that leap regardless of the consequences and another suggest a more cautious approach....making sure it's really worth it. Matters of the heart can be so sometimey ya know.
If this nagging feeling doesn't leave me then I guess I won't have a choice...I'll have to explore it despite my fears. Fears keeps you from having meaningful experiences.
I've prayed about it. I've asked God to let my desires fall inline with His. I've even asked God to silence my desires all together. They get on my nerves. I know patience is the key to making right decisions.
My year of reflection will come to a close in July and I'm actually nervous about it. I'm sorta cozy. I fear that stepping out again will lead to the drama I've escaped all these months. It's given me an excuse to be selfish. lol. Always a plus. I've got another 3.5 months to myself before I have to do something about my problem. Hopefully it goes away before then.
I don't usually write blogs on Sundays.....btw CONGRATS THERESA!!!! you're finally a mommy. :)
This blog often serves as an online diary for me. I know I should be more private because I have no idea who is really reading it but forever I've been told that I'm a closed, cold person. It's not true. I suppose I enjoy being candid. When I was a teenager I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but as my heart started getting abused I tucked it away and parts of me died. Now new breath has been breathed into them and I can remember who I used to be, who I as before the hurt. Kinda cool.
This whole business of following your heart.... I'm stuck in a not so cool situation right now. My heart tells me to consider someone that logic tells me not to. I'm trying to give myself time and hopefully this business will sort itself out. But the more I wait the louder I hear that whisper to move forward with it. I'm Nichova afterall and Nichova simply doesn't take well to rejection. Might be the reason why I've only approached one guy in my entire life. I really just dont know what to do and I feel like I never will.
I know I wrote that blog about No Regrets Please but still....I get scared sometime. I'm human. One inner circle member suggests that I just take that leap regardless of the consequences and another suggest a more cautious approach....making sure it's really worth it. Matters of the heart can be so sometimey ya know.
If this nagging feeling doesn't leave me then I guess I won't have a choice...I'll have to explore it despite my fears. Fears keeps you from having meaningful experiences.
I've prayed about it. I've asked God to let my desires fall inline with His. I've even asked God to silence my desires all together. They get on my nerves. I know patience is the key to making right decisions.
My year of reflection will come to a close in July and I'm actually nervous about it. I'm sorta cozy. I fear that stepping out again will lead to the drama I've escaped all these months. It's given me an excuse to be selfish. lol. Always a plus. I've got another 3.5 months to myself before I have to do something about my problem. Hopefully it goes away before then.
I don't usually write blogs on Sundays.....btw CONGRATS THERESA!!!! you're finally a mommy. :)
Friday, March 28, 2008
Can I rub your head and wash your hair?
I missed a day yesterday. My apologies.
I was on the phone for quite some time having a chit chat with my buddy late last night. The conversation zig zagged and we landed on the topic of mate choosing...of course. lol
Results:
My sis gave me a sermon to listen to titled 'Dating for Dummies'. It was hilarious. Here is some of what I learned.
We all should have a list of Must Haves and a list of Preferences. For example, a man must have a job, yet I prefer to date men with hair and strong hands. lol.
The Must Haves list needs to include character traits and spiritual aspects. For instance, I need an honest, trustworthy man that loves his maker and whose spirit breathes with mine.
I should have made a list of simple things like this a long time ago. I realized that I've been picking men that fulfill my preferences but not my must haves. My boyfriends have all been quite sexy BUT.....
It's important not to compromise on your must haves just because someone has all the preferences. It can be tempting but it will most certainly end tragically. Preferences tend to be those things that sweep you off your feet while the must haves are more basic yet essential. I think this is why we often see progressive women with no job havin' losers. The loser is usually attractive and is probably a great lover. Or we see a decent God fearing man with a long haired hussy with a big booty. She can barely read but she'll do 'anything' (if you know what I mean).
Alot of the happily married people I find have compromised on some of their preferences but the must haves are all intact. The guy might not be all almondy but he got a job and you're his priority. The woman might have a strong jawline and a few more naps than desired but she's nurturing and supportive.
So sorry but I CANNOT compromise on the hair thing. I think I'm gonna just move it off my preference list and make it a must have. Playing with a man's hair and massaging his scalp....mmm.... I just can't live without that for the rest of my life.
I've heard that the sexual stuff needs to be on the must have list. Disagree. You cannot be tryna build relationships because the person can throw down in that arena. Another notch for the celibacy column. My judgment isn't clouded. And honestly things of that nature can be acquired through steady instruction. Just make sure the person is willing to learn and it'll work out. Can't do the opposite. Character is NOT acquired through instruction. Don't bother trying to change who someone is so they can be on the list. Waste of time.
Ok I need some inspiration for topics other than relationships.....
Enjoy your weekend peoples!
I was on the phone for quite some time having a chit chat with my buddy late last night. The conversation zig zagged and we landed on the topic of mate choosing...of course. lol
Results:
My sis gave me a sermon to listen to titled 'Dating for Dummies'. It was hilarious. Here is some of what I learned.
We all should have a list of Must Haves and a list of Preferences. For example, a man must have a job, yet I prefer to date men with hair and strong hands. lol.
The Must Haves list needs to include character traits and spiritual aspects. For instance, I need an honest, trustworthy man that loves his maker and whose spirit breathes with mine.
I should have made a list of simple things like this a long time ago. I realized that I've been picking men that fulfill my preferences but not my must haves. My boyfriends have all been quite sexy BUT.....
It's important not to compromise on your must haves just because someone has all the preferences. It can be tempting but it will most certainly end tragically. Preferences tend to be those things that sweep you off your feet while the must haves are more basic yet essential. I think this is why we often see progressive women with no job havin' losers. The loser is usually attractive and is probably a great lover. Or we see a decent God fearing man with a long haired hussy with a big booty. She can barely read but she'll do 'anything' (if you know what I mean).
Alot of the happily married people I find have compromised on some of their preferences but the must haves are all intact. The guy might not be all almondy but he got a job and you're his priority. The woman might have a strong jawline and a few more naps than desired but she's nurturing and supportive.
So sorry but I CANNOT compromise on the hair thing. I think I'm gonna just move it off my preference list and make it a must have. Playing with a man's hair and massaging his scalp....mmm.... I just can't live without that for the rest of my life.
I've heard that the sexual stuff needs to be on the must have list. Disagree. You cannot be tryna build relationships because the person can throw down in that arena. Another notch for the celibacy column. My judgment isn't clouded. And honestly things of that nature can be acquired through steady instruction. Just make sure the person is willing to learn and it'll work out. Can't do the opposite. Character is NOT acquired through instruction. Don't bother trying to change who someone is so they can be on the list. Waste of time.
Ok I need some inspiration for topics other than relationships.....
Enjoy your weekend peoples!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Solution
My co-worker buddy pointed something out to me after reading 'Rape and Divorce'. Probably over 80% of people will be raped or divorced, according to my standards, before they are married! That is such a horrible pseudo-statistic. But, could that be the reason why more than half of marriages end in divorce? Could that also be why 75% of black mothers have never been married?....which is also linked to the rate of black men currently in prison raised fatherless. I believe all of these things are related somehow. Is there a solution? I think there is.....it's women.
1. If women stopped having random/casual sex there wouldn't be fatherless children. Men have ALWAYS been on the prowl for 'some'. But back in the day a lady was really a lady. She was a prize. Men had to wooo her. Marry her to get the prize. He had to show not only her but her family that he was going to take care of her and their future children. A man without a job wasn't even a man worth talking to. But now, women are just spreadin' em' to whomever cause he's 'sexy' or 'he loves me' or some nonsense like that. He don't got no job and no plan for his future let alone hers. He'll have sex with her, live with her, even split the bills but he won't marry her. Next thing you know.......a baby is born. Daddy never truly loved Mommy (or he would have committed himself to her) so he has a complex about loving her offspring. Yes it's half his but he can't shake that half that is her. So he walks away. I don't think all these men are cowards...some of them just don't wanna deal with the mothers. Not saying that's right but it's reality.
2. Women we need to get back inside the house and stop the ridiculousness. I got my degrees and I'm sure my intelligence is somewhere along the lines of genius :) but I know what my priorities would be. The FIRST role of a wife or mother is to take care of family and the home. Of course not everyone can do that but lots can. They just think it's beneath them to do it. If at all possible, stay home and raise your young kids. I do agree that when they are older it's time to get back to work. I HATE to see women with grown kids still at home acting like they doin something contributory. Ya not! Get to work! At least part-time, PTA leader, Girl Scouts......SOMETHING. No one can love your kids like you can. That job and extra income isn't a necessity all the time.
Sorry if I sound antiquated but I think women are to blame for a lot of these problems. This whole women's movement nonsense has messed us all up. Suddenly we want to do everything a man can do when we aren't men! Why in the world should a woman be a fireman or a construction worker. Our bodies were not designed for that kind of labor. I swear if women closed their legs more often they could solve many of the world's problems.
I need to do some work ( I do have a job believe it or not )
1. If women stopped having random/casual sex there wouldn't be fatherless children. Men have ALWAYS been on the prowl for 'some'. But back in the day a lady was really a lady. She was a prize. Men had to wooo her. Marry her to get the prize. He had to show not only her but her family that he was going to take care of her and their future children. A man without a job wasn't even a man worth talking to. But now, women are just spreadin' em' to whomever cause he's 'sexy' or 'he loves me' or some nonsense like that. He don't got no job and no plan for his future let alone hers. He'll have sex with her, live with her, even split the bills but he won't marry her. Next thing you know.......a baby is born. Daddy never truly loved Mommy (or he would have committed himself to her) so he has a complex about loving her offspring. Yes it's half his but he can't shake that half that is her. So he walks away. I don't think all these men are cowards...some of them just don't wanna deal with the mothers. Not saying that's right but it's reality.
2. Women we need to get back inside the house and stop the ridiculousness. I got my degrees and I'm sure my intelligence is somewhere along the lines of genius :) but I know what my priorities would be. The FIRST role of a wife or mother is to take care of family and the home. Of course not everyone can do that but lots can. They just think it's beneath them to do it. If at all possible, stay home and raise your young kids. I do agree that when they are older it's time to get back to work. I HATE to see women with grown kids still at home acting like they doin something contributory. Ya not! Get to work! At least part-time, PTA leader, Girl Scouts......SOMETHING. No one can love your kids like you can. That job and extra income isn't a necessity all the time.
Sorry if I sound antiquated but I think women are to blame for a lot of these problems. This whole women's movement nonsense has messed us all up. Suddenly we want to do everything a man can do when we aren't men! Why in the world should a woman be a fireman or a construction worker. Our bodies were not designed for that kind of labor. I swear if women closed their legs more often they could solve many of the world's problems.
I need to do some work ( I do have a job believe it or not )
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Rape and Divorce
Strong title huh? Well it's a serious topic.
I've been raped and I've been divorced several times, but not in the traditional ways.
My rapes:
I've had about 4 real boyfriends in my life. My definition of a real boyfriend is someone I've dated for more than 6 months (that's when the really real starts). I discovered that I've been raped by 3 out of the 4. Here is what I mean by rape: I 100% believe that when you lie to a person, withhold information, misrepresent yourself in anyway that you KNOW will result in the end of a relationship, each time you lay with that person you are committing an act of rape. That person wouldn't be willing to give themselves to you had you not deceived them. If a man cheats on his woman then returns to her and lays with her.... he has raped her. He has taken away her choice by withholding that information.
Not all of the information has to be about cheating...s/he could have lied about having a job, school, family.... whatever.... If that information might have determined if you would have stayed in the relationship, that is all rape to me.
My divorces:
I've been divorced twice. At the time I could honestly say that I loved them with all that I had in me. When those relationships ended they had the same emotional impact on me as a divorce. It was a prolonged depression that followed. Food aint taste right. Part of me died forever. The second one might as well have been a real divorce because we had assets to divide. lol. But honestly, what I'm saying is real. I have been divorced and it literally took years to recover.
I wonder....how many of us have been raped? How many divorced? You're heart doesn't know that you didn't get a marriage certificate. He might not have held you down but he still took it from you. The physical trauma might be less but the emotional is still the same. The violation is very real. Imagine that by the time many of us reach the alter we've been raped and divorced several times!
Time heals but not all wounds. These types of scars must be tended to in a special way. I had to take ownership for mine and stop blaming my rapists and ex-husbands. I handed my fragile heart to them and just let em do whatever. They didn't deserve that gift yet. I didn't make them prove that they could take care of it. What else could I expect? Humans don't appreciate things they didn't have to earn.
I've gotten to the point where I rarely blame anyone but myself for the things that happen to me. If I listen to my intuition and consult God for guidance first I can avoid most of it. But I'm hard headed you see. It took three rapes and two divorces for me to get it finally.
Your virtue as a woman protects you from these emotional crimes. Protecting your treasures is the best way to avoid the trauma but if you don't even realize you've got treasures then you won't protect them. Most women don't even know what they have.
I know what I have.... :)
I've been raped and I've been divorced several times, but not in the traditional ways.
My rapes:
I've had about 4 real boyfriends in my life. My definition of a real boyfriend is someone I've dated for more than 6 months (that's when the really real starts). I discovered that I've been raped by 3 out of the 4. Here is what I mean by rape: I 100% believe that when you lie to a person, withhold information, misrepresent yourself in anyway that you KNOW will result in the end of a relationship, each time you lay with that person you are committing an act of rape. That person wouldn't be willing to give themselves to you had you not deceived them. If a man cheats on his woman then returns to her and lays with her.... he has raped her. He has taken away her choice by withholding that information.
Not all of the information has to be about cheating...s/he could have lied about having a job, school, family.... whatever.... If that information might have determined if you would have stayed in the relationship, that is all rape to me.
My divorces:
I've been divorced twice. At the time I could honestly say that I loved them with all that I had in me. When those relationships ended they had the same emotional impact on me as a divorce. It was a prolonged depression that followed. Food aint taste right. Part of me died forever. The second one might as well have been a real divorce because we had assets to divide. lol. But honestly, what I'm saying is real. I have been divorced and it literally took years to recover.
I wonder....how many of us have been raped? How many divorced? You're heart doesn't know that you didn't get a marriage certificate. He might not have held you down but he still took it from you. The physical trauma might be less but the emotional is still the same. The violation is very real. Imagine that by the time many of us reach the alter we've been raped and divorced several times!
Time heals but not all wounds. These types of scars must be tended to in a special way. I had to take ownership for mine and stop blaming my rapists and ex-husbands. I handed my fragile heart to them and just let em do whatever. They didn't deserve that gift yet. I didn't make them prove that they could take care of it. What else could I expect? Humans don't appreciate things they didn't have to earn.
I've gotten to the point where I rarely blame anyone but myself for the things that happen to me. If I listen to my intuition and consult God for guidance first I can avoid most of it. But I'm hard headed you see. It took three rapes and two divorces for me to get it finally.
Your virtue as a woman protects you from these emotional crimes. Protecting your treasures is the best way to avoid the trauma but if you don't even realize you've got treasures then you won't protect them. Most women don't even know what they have.
I know what I have.... :)
Monday, March 24, 2008
Worth
Monday already....
It's hard for me to think of what to write about on a Monday because I'm usually coming down from a chill weekend. No new material.
So something from Friday (and Saturday) left an impression on me...I've th0ught about it several times since.
I'm pretty ok friends with a lady at church and her husband served my food and stuff for me at the Good Friday program (That was part of the program). But he went above and beyond though. After he shared the food he pulled out my chair. He checked up on me periodically. Then he went and got my juice. Asked if I needed anything more. Came back and took away my plates. I finally started laughing and I said "you don't need to do all this you know", he said "Nicole I want you to know what to expect from a God-fearing man in the future. If he doesn't treat you this way then don't waste any time on him." So goofy me...'You're right. I'll remember that.'
Honestly I felt sort weird when he was doing those things for me. Just because I honestly have not genuinely experienced that from any guy I've ever dated. I felt kinda fuzzy inside. lol. Girls we try and act like we're all strong and independent; the 'I don't need no man' mentality. That is a bald-headed LIE. A good man has the ability to do things for us we could never do for ourselves; make us feel ways we'd never be able to make each other feel. That is how God designed it all. We need them to admire us and show us how special we are to them. Or our petals droop.
Saturday my mom had lunch after church. Same brother was there. Again he didn't let me lift anything heavy. I couldn't take out the trash....nothing laborous. He said 'remember what I said yesterday...." After eating the guy from last week that was grilling me about not 'picking' a man started up another conversation along the same lines. He said "Full eyes, you'd make a nice empress for some nice man and I just don't want to see ya waitin' long." Last week he irritated me but I get his intention now.
What left the impression was the genuine interest my 'brothers' have taken in my treatment and happiness. My dad was sort of an unemotional guy for the most part so I don't think I've ever understood the role of nurturing men in a young girl's life. They really do help you set the measuring stick high for how you should be treated in a relationship. I took crap because I never received any coaching as a youth. I just didn't know I deserved better than what I got. (No hard feelings, my Daddy did the best he could with what he knew)
I experienced something I have never experienced in my entire life.......genuine admiration and a feeling of masculine security; just because I'm me and I'm worth that. Makes femininity flower with the greatest capacity to nurture and love.
Final point. This is my logic about love and relationships: I will never again date a man that does not have a deep relationship with God. God is love and therefore only through Him can any of us know what love truly is. We'll never get that understanding no matter how many books we read. A man that doesn't know God can NEVER love me with the full expectation God had in mind when He created me. He might do the best he knows how but if God hasn't put that love inside of him then he won't have it to give to me....and I'm trying to experience the fullness of what I was made for. It goes the other way too of course.
We miss out and make such horrible mistakes when we try to do these things all on our own. Celibacy ain't always easy but I think my reward will be this kind of love. Well worth it.
It's sort of hard to explain....
It's hard for me to think of what to write about on a Monday because I'm usually coming down from a chill weekend. No new material.
So something from Friday (and Saturday) left an impression on me...I've th0ught about it several times since.
I'm pretty ok friends with a lady at church and her husband served my food and stuff for me at the Good Friday program (That was part of the program). But he went above and beyond though. After he shared the food he pulled out my chair. He checked up on me periodically. Then he went and got my juice. Asked if I needed anything more. Came back and took away my plates. I finally started laughing and I said "you don't need to do all this you know", he said "Nicole I want you to know what to expect from a God-fearing man in the future. If he doesn't treat you this way then don't waste any time on him." So goofy me...'You're right. I'll remember that.'
Honestly I felt sort weird when he was doing those things for me. Just because I honestly have not genuinely experienced that from any guy I've ever dated. I felt kinda fuzzy inside. lol. Girls we try and act like we're all strong and independent; the 'I don't need no man' mentality. That is a bald-headed LIE. A good man has the ability to do things for us we could never do for ourselves; make us feel ways we'd never be able to make each other feel. That is how God designed it all. We need them to admire us and show us how special we are to them. Or our petals droop.
Saturday my mom had lunch after church. Same brother was there. Again he didn't let me lift anything heavy. I couldn't take out the trash....nothing laborous. He said 'remember what I said yesterday...." After eating the guy from last week that was grilling me about not 'picking' a man started up another conversation along the same lines. He said "Full eyes, you'd make a nice empress for some nice man and I just don't want to see ya waitin' long." Last week he irritated me but I get his intention now.
What left the impression was the genuine interest my 'brothers' have taken in my treatment and happiness. My dad was sort of an unemotional guy for the most part so I don't think I've ever understood the role of nurturing men in a young girl's life. They really do help you set the measuring stick high for how you should be treated in a relationship. I took crap because I never received any coaching as a youth. I just didn't know I deserved better than what I got. (No hard feelings, my Daddy did the best he could with what he knew)
I experienced something I have never experienced in my entire life.......genuine admiration and a feeling of masculine security; just because I'm me and I'm worth that. Makes femininity flower with the greatest capacity to nurture and love.
Final point. This is my logic about love and relationships: I will never again date a man that does not have a deep relationship with God. God is love and therefore only through Him can any of us know what love truly is. We'll never get that understanding no matter how many books we read. A man that doesn't know God can NEVER love me with the full expectation God had in mind when He created me. He might do the best he knows how but if God hasn't put that love inside of him then he won't have it to give to me....and I'm trying to experience the fullness of what I was made for. It goes the other way too of course.
We miss out and make such horrible mistakes when we try to do these things all on our own. Celibacy ain't always easy but I think my reward will be this kind of love. Well worth it.
It's sort of hard to explain....
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Finally Forgiven
Ok so wow. I had a great night. Still exhausted and I'm getting ready for bed but I really want to express how I feel before I fall asleep and the moment leaves me...
Tonight my church celebrated Good Friday. For the past two nights I've been exhausted because I've been decorating the church. It was beautiful. Seeing all the work pay off was so satisfying. People were moved. It feels good to have played a part in the healing of another person; and in the process experience healing yourself.
There were different prayer rooms dedicated to different purposes. There was a room for couples (marriages are in trouble these days), confession, but I stayed in the healing and forgiveness room for over an hour. I sat down with a little girl and she had the idea of writing out our prayers. I took out a new journal I happened to purchase last week and christened it with my prayers. The innocence of a child spearheaded some healing for me.
I've heard self help people say how you're supposed to forgive people not for them but for you. That can be applied another way; we often confess and ask God to forgive us for things that we can't forget about. When God forgives He also forgets; our sins are cast into the 'sea of forgetfullness'. But we keep a portion of that guilt and carry it around. We punish ourselves when God has already moved past it.
So I had to forgive myself tonight for some things. I did some stupid crap the past 4 years and I've been so upset with myself for them. God let it go the moment I sincerely asked but I whisper it in my mind....causing my confidence and self image to slip periodically. I struggle with accepting sincere compliments about my personality and character. That exposes my disbelief that I am really an ok person. I'm good deep down. I just lost myself for awhile. But it happened and it's time to move on from it. I learned alot so it wasn't wasted time. It didn't defeat me. Instead of being upset at myself for driving down that road I feel proud of myself for making that u-turn and walking all the way back.
Finally, I'm going to sleeeeeep
Tonight my church celebrated Good Friday. For the past two nights I've been exhausted because I've been decorating the church. It was beautiful. Seeing all the work pay off was so satisfying. People were moved. It feels good to have played a part in the healing of another person; and in the process experience healing yourself.
There were different prayer rooms dedicated to different purposes. There was a room for couples (marriages are in trouble these days), confession, but I stayed in the healing and forgiveness room for over an hour. I sat down with a little girl and she had the idea of writing out our prayers. I took out a new journal I happened to purchase last week and christened it with my prayers. The innocence of a child spearheaded some healing for me.
I've heard self help people say how you're supposed to forgive people not for them but for you. That can be applied another way; we often confess and ask God to forgive us for things that we can't forget about. When God forgives He also forgets; our sins are cast into the 'sea of forgetfullness'. But we keep a portion of that guilt and carry it around. We punish ourselves when God has already moved past it.
So I had to forgive myself tonight for some things. I did some stupid crap the past 4 years and I've been so upset with myself for them. God let it go the moment I sincerely asked but I whisper it in my mind....causing my confidence and self image to slip periodically. I struggle with accepting sincere compliments about my personality and character. That exposes my disbelief that I am really an ok person. I'm good deep down. I just lost myself for awhile. But it happened and it's time to move on from it. I learned alot so it wasn't wasted time. It didn't defeat me. Instead of being upset at myself for driving down that road I feel proud of myself for making that u-turn and walking all the way back.
Finally, I'm going to sleeeeeep
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