Love You Michael.....always and forever

It's been awhile. Alot has happened. As soon as school started I completely forgot about my blog....

I'm 27 now :(

My uncle died in April. He had such a peaceful spirit. He was a gift from God.

In July my hero died.....Michael Jackson. This blog is really inspired by him.
Last night they left him in his final resting place. I can't describe the feeling in me. I didn't know the time it was to occur but last night I couldn't listen to his dance music, only the ballads. It was like his breath was in the air. It might sound crazy but I truly love and miss Michael Jackson. He was my brother, my father and friend all in one. He inspired all the things I love today. My first memories include him. He defined all things magical and spiritual in my formative years. He never let me down as I grew up. He had words of wisdom to walk me through ANY situation. THANK YOU MICHAEL! ALWAYS INLOVE!

I believe God gifts us with certain special people in every generation. These people are gems. They embody God's love; spiritual geniuses. Michael was that person for my generation. Martin Luther King, Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela.......all of these people were presents packaged by God Himself; they were all fragments of the love source.

Last night I looked to the sky and simply thanked God for allowing me to experience the present of Michael Jackson; love unfettered. What a man, what spirit.

I know most won't understand but to the few fortunate ones who do....RIP Michael Jackson, Prince of Music (God Almighty is the King).

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year!

I've been away from my blog for awhile. I've had alot of things to focus on. For a few months I focused on getting into graduate school....GWU here I come Jan 12th :)

Before that I was focused on organizing the basement where I now live. (Finally finished painting and furnishing )

Then the holidays came. Ofcourse you focus on family and friends and the true reason for the season.

But another year has passed and I've realized that time flies. Sounds like a typical cliche but no really, time really does fly. I had insomnia last night and I started looking at my old facebook albums. This time last year I still had a head full of perm! I can't imagine that. I was still new to my job. Honestly I was exhausted with life and although God found me I still felt a bit hopeless.

What a difference a year can make!

I hate making resolutions (always to lose 20lbs). I've had a revelation. If I would just focus more on God and modeling the life of Jesus Christ EVERYTHING else would simply fall into place. There would be no need for resolutions each year.....except to spend more time in devotion and communion with God.

I'm starting this year with one resolution, to spend time in meaningful devotion and prayer with God each morning. I'm NOT a morning person so I've asked God to wake me up each morning and He has. In less than a week I've learned more reading my Bible under the guidance of the Holy Spirit than I have in my entire life. AMAZING.

I'll check back on this post in a year and see how far God has brought me. My prayer is that I won't resist his urgings but instead follow Him in whatever direction He leads me.

Happy New Year!

Grateful and Thankful!

I feel soooo good!!!

I got into grad school today. I went to lunch, came back and there it was....an email from George Washington University congratulating me!

My story is an interesting one. I actually don't deserve to go to grad school. I made some really poor choices in undergrad. Although I did graduate I should have had a MUCH higher GPA. But I prayed over this situation so it was no longer impossible.

Somehow God saw fit to give me another chance. Words cannot express just how grateful I am.

That's really all I had to say. I'm just thankful.

Yes we did!!!!

I have cried maybe 20X between last night and this morning. I'm at my desk and I cannot work, I cannot focus on anything but the fact that my boss is Barack Obama.

My grey matter cannot absorb what it means. It's simply too much to understand right now. This means so much to so many people for so many reasons.

I voted with Martin Luther King in my head. He's dead. He has no idea what has happened; that he was victorious. Barack's mom doesn't know that her baby boy is the President. His grandmother knew it was coming but she too has no idea what it felt like to see him stand behind that podium last night. What a reunion in heaven that will be! I wanna see his mom's face when she hears the news.

My heart has been focused on black men for so long. My soul bleeds for them. Slavery soooo ruined their focus and pride. Thank you Barack for being so excellent that our men can see themselves in you. I can look at my little cousins and tell them that 'you can be President one day if you want to!' You don't have to rap or play ball. You can read and learn and exude eloquence and consistent temperment. Your dreams are no longer limited and your destiny has no barriers.

Black men, please see your worth! Stop spreading your seed aimessly and build homes and repair families. Prove yourselves worthy of the regal blood that runs through your veins. You have always been more than your sexual prowess and physical strength. Now be more!

(please hold, cry break...........................................................................................)

I am alive today! I got to see this. I can sit in a rocking chair one day and tell my kids and grandkids that I saw this and felt this and played a part in it.

This is such a spiritual day....more than a political day. People prayed and fasted. People DIED! The movement that started it all was born of Pastors in southern churches. God is so great and being a believer means more than going to church and paying tithes. Barack's character reflects one of a higher moral standard and I strive to emulate such. I am so proud. God must be pleased.

I'm inlove with the future! 'Hold fast to dreams....." (means so much more now)

Powerful Hope

I went to bed early last night. Woke up at 6am but couldn't move my limbs to get out of the bed. Did not arrive at my local polling station until 7:45am. :(

But :) !

I had a good time. John F. Kennedy HS had a line that wrapped around the side of the building. The main parking lot was full. Wasn't exceptionally cold. I stopped at Starbucks for some hot chocolate beforehand.

I made a few friends during the wait. The man in front of me described the Obama/Biden rally in Manassas, VA the prior night. He stood for four hours to hear Obama speak. From 11am-8pm tonight he is devoted to getting out the vote in VA.

Two people ahead of me was a very pregnant woman in pink flip flops and tights. She stood for the entire two hours and did not complain once. She cast her vote with the biggest smile.

Countless elderly and disabled citizens voted early this morning. I'm sure they had memories of the 60s and 70s......how could they NOT vote?!

Finally we entered the building and a picture of JFK was at the door. Suddenly I felt sentimental about what was going on this morning. We turned a corner and a black and white photo of MLK on the Mall after he delivered his Speech was on the wall. I read the entire speech while I waited. I looked around and everyone else in line near me was reading it too. Sobering moment....

I know we didn't vote for Barack because he's black. I was just sooo happy that I was able to vote for a black man that IS the BEST candidate to be President. The fact that I saw his name at the very top of my ballot.....AMAZING. And behind it all is the suffering of African Americans decades ago. We all know that lives were lost fighting for this ability to vote....but really think about it. How serious that is! I cannot think of a single public figure in my lifetime that I've been so proud of.

There are dozens of election parties I could attend tonight but I'm going to stay home. I want to watch this in the privacy of my room. Either way I'm gonna shed some tears. And it's not for Obama himself but for all those who are asleep in their graves who's dream he represents.

Hope is so powerful.

Me again

I'm bizack! (at least that's what I'm saying today)

Very interesting couple of months in my life. I had a little wild streak that left me really unsatisfied with life. I'm back to my normal self and it feels GREAT. Life can be peaceful even if you are busy. Just focus on what is important.

I have some not so good coping mechanisms. Stress can sometimes get the best of me. I found myself in bed by 7pm last Friday and I didn't even go to church this past Sabbath. I just wanted to mope around.

The most difficult thing has been distancing myself my triggers (things and people). I can feel secluded at times but is that really bad? Spending more and more time in your own thoughts and in your own company can be empowering. If you allow your self inquiry to penetrate deeply you can learn some things that seem best suited for fiction.

I remember praying for company. It wasn't because I didn't have friends...I just didn't feel I had people in my life that I could share my journey with. Slowly that is changing under the most unexpected circumstances. God always works like that in my life.

It's good to be back.

Mob mentality

I remember learning about the mob mentality in social studies I think back in middle school. The term mob mentality is interchangeable with 'herd behavior' or 'group mind'. lol. That sounds funny to me.

Please see below,
The bandwagon effect, also known as social proof or "cromo effect" and closely related to opportunism, is the observation that people often do and believe things because many other people do and believe the same things. The effect is often pejoratively called herding instinct, particularly when applied to adolescents. People tend to follow the crowd without examining the merits of a particular thing. The bandwagon effect is the reason for the bandwagon fallacy's success.

The bandwagon effect is well-documented in behavioral psychology and has many applications. The general rule is that conduct or beliefs spread among people, as fads clearly do, with "the probability of any individual adopting it increasing with the proportion who have already done so".^[1] As more people come to believe in something, others also "hop on the bandwagon" regardless of the underlying evidence.

My sister and I had a discussion about this relating to politics. I'm a Barack supporter but I agree with Ralph Nader on the whole Wall Street bailout. Everyone is so up in arms and panicking to do 'something' but no one seems to be taking a slightly slower, more intellectual approach to the issue. This feels like an economic 911; where King Bush II excites/frightens the country in order to gain support for improper legislation. Is no one else seeing this?!

I see this bandwagon behavior permeating even in adult social circles. Sad but true. The sad part is that, just as the definition above states, it is usually reserved for adolescents. That is why I often feel pulled back to HS days when the 'herd' tries involve me in self degrading mentality. Discernment should accompany age. Right?

It can even be applied to religious faith. Most people believe what they believe simply because everyone around them does as well. Perhaps it was passed through their family tradition. It's rare that people examine their spiritual beliefs and check to make sure there is actual truth in them. I was once guilty of this.

But there is freedom in breaking from the 'pack'. The greatest thinkers are usually the separatists; not easily lead by the interests of the majority. These individuals often examine the validity in assertions before releasing their support. This is a goal to reach for. INTELLECTUAL EXCELLENCE.

I am well on my way. Sometimes I get sucked in by the mob though. The temptation is often great. But I find my way back....to the more quiet side of independent thought.

Happiness is the plan

I told my buddy this afternoon that I miss my life. I miss how peaceful it used to be and how content I was. Simplicity is priceless. I got stressed out and went back to my old coping mechanisms and somehow I QUICKLY find myself at the bottom of a slippery slope.

I have somewhat of a mentor that told me 'Nicole, if you arent losing friends and making new ones then you arent changing.' I didnt like that when I heard it. I set out to ignore it and prove him wrong. No way would any of my friendships end. But it has happened and will continue to happen.

I'm on somewhat of a wacky journey. I made some spiritual decisions that I knew wouldnt be easy. The greatest things never come easily. I've been trying to break some horrible habits and patterns and I can be honest with myself and say that I've faultered quite a bit. But that's ok. I'm only human. It's just a part of my incredible journey; the lessons were well worth the detour.

My ultimate goal has always been happiness. Happiness for everyone. Even the people I dont like! We all only got this one life to live and what is the sense in being all angry and spiteful and upset. In the grand scheme of the universe, what we often consider 'important' rarely even deserves conversation.

I'll keep changing cause I'm enjoying the metamorphasis. Not many will understand but I know it is necessary. The aspirations I have for my lfe require constantly pushing for more and more. The blessings are in the disappointments.

The simpler my life, the happier.

Gotta remember..............happiness is the plan.

Foot massage please

I like foot massages. I think people really underestimate a good massage. My body has been aching and cracking for almost two weeks now. This happens when I am under stress. Work is stressing me; life is stressing me; I am stressing me!

This aint right and I know it. I'm taking baby steps to rid myself of alot of stressors but in the meantime I need a massage.

(This is not a solicitation ad)

I'm at work and my head hurts so I'm taking a blogging break and all I can think to say is how badly I'd like a foot massage and a lavender bath.

A cup of ginger tea with honey would set it off.

Company and companionship are so priceless. I want a human version of the completeness a dog often brings to a bachelor. Just a chill partner that'll crack my toes and watch Lifetime with me.

(Once again, this is not a solicitation ad)

But that's all.

Perfect example of my randomness.

.....I need my back cracked too.

Am I gone forever?

I haven't written anything in awhile. Alot has happened in the last few weeks.

To keep it short, I self-destructed. Instead of retracing steps I crumbled under some immense stress and just lost my way. Now I'm exhausted and farther away from happiness than I was before.

I'm having a chit chat online with my buddy and I realized that we sound like 40yr old divorced women! Tired. Drained. Dejected. Unenthusiastic. Done!

I remember when I was a 'good' girl. 'Good' really means naive. I had the purest of hopes and dreams. Life can take a black permanent marker over your plans. I can't even remember what they were!

I just wish I could find that girl again. She existed before the loser boyfriends, the disloyal friends, debt, torn family, sex.....

So much has happened since I was 17. If I could do it all again I might just live in a cave somewhere and chill. Anything to never have jaded myself so heavily.

Things like love, decent men and fairytales seem like a joke. That shouldn't be. The world isn't all bad but it seems like I've only come across the bad; over and over and over again.

Am I gone forever? Is the real me lost forever. I pray not. That would be such a shame. I used to be the sweetest thing on two legs. Now I'm far more aggressive than I want to be but survival forces those instincts to develop.

I'll still keep a look out for fairytales and decent men(lol, that is still a funny prospect).

Can't be hopeless. I can't be lost forever.

Retracing my steps....

I'm cutting back on the blogging. But not permenantly. I just need some 'me' time. Blogging sort of interferes with my train of thought. I might be working through something personal or studying something Biblical and my mind isn't set for blogging but I do it because it's a habit and I know people read it.

I have alot of things I want to study and investigate within myself so Nichova is stepping away for a little while. I might blog about random things I see here and there but no more blogging about me and my life for a lil bit.

I realized yesterday that getting re-baptized was just the first step in a very long journey. I heard that statement before but I finally get it. It gets harder when you actually stand up for something. Life is cool when you just accept everything and befriend everyone. I'm supposed to feel resistance when I do what is right. I felt it, and it was strong, and I think I slowly caved under the pressure. I've noticed that alot of my old life are creeping back into my present. I've strayed a little bit and that distance between me and God has grown.......I feel the emptiness and that hurts. Imagine that you spend time constantly with your best friend and then slowly you guys just don't chill as tough as you used to. That's how I feel right now.

I need to take a broom and clear things out of my life and my mind. De clutter my life a little bit so God has the room He needs to perform the miracles He always had in store for me. This will also give me the mental clarity to listen to His instruction and live the life that makes me happy. I'm not happy today.

Those who know God know what true peace and joy and happiness feel like. I'm sort of jealous because I used to know what those things felt like. When those feelings leave you feel quite empty.

Tired of feeling empty.

Empty Souls

There is a very interesting subset of human being lurking among us. These are the psychopaths.

I am very intrigued by these people. Mainly because I have had the horrible experience of personally knowing two and dealing with their insane behavior.

I've always been interested in the human mind. It is such an extraordinary computer. God is truly awesome! I worked at a Psych Hospital for a year and the range of disorders and diseases is staggering. But none are as special as the psychopath.

You see, a psychopath has NO mental dysfunction. In fact, this person is in perfect mental health. What they have instead is a personality disorder. (btw, who determines which personalities are normal?) A psychopath has no ability to feel. They cannot empathize or sympathize. They are purely driven by the desire to satisfy their personal need for something. This something might be sex, money, shelter, food, attention, other material possessions.....

Because they cannot feel genuine emotions for others, they also don't feel guilty when their actions hurt another. They don't understand the impact they have on another person's life. And telling them doesn't help. They have to manipulate the emotions of other people to get what they want. They are often subtle and almost ALWAYS have a higher IQ than the general population. To put it plainly, psychopaths prey on the emotions of others and the get better with time. You've got to be savvy to recognize one. Nichova is savvy!

That does not mean they are necessary bad people. I look at them more as robots that respond only to basic stimuli; their needs.

The only time they will display what seems to be a genuine emotion is when they are about to get caught in their deceit. As the truth begins to close in on them, the psychopath will often thrash about, lashing out as they try to regain control of the situation. This lashing out will usually get them caught even faster. The walls eventually crumble and they are exposed. But instead of being shamed into becoming a decent citizen, the psychopath will only relocate and try all over again.

Sounds stupid doesn't it. But that is what you do when you do not have emotions to help guide you through life. They cannot even learn from their own mistakes.

Nothing is sadder than a psychopath. Honestly. They are missing out on what makes life great. The first psychopath I dealt with has continued to attempt to deceive people to satisfy a selfish desire. The law got involved and this empty soul is now facing jail time.

The second is still out there. Terrorizing people because they cannot obtain the attention they so desperately desire. This one is more sophisticated but from what I've heard the end result is still the same. They end up having to relocate and try their manipulations elsewhere.

These two people have snatched me back to my original love of Psychology. I never liked Biochemistry. I only did it because I could and I thought I had to prove something. (silly reason)

I am a Cancer. I don't study Astrology but there is a rumor that we possess some subtle discerning and sometimes psychic abilities. lol . I don't think I'm a psychic but I do believe that I have the ability to pick up on someone's true character very quickly. This often pisses off psychopaths I come in contact with. This will sound weird, but their spirits always rub me the wrong way. I can see the emptiness in someone's eyes, the lack of a soul. No deception or manipulation in the world can cover those two things.

My method for dealing with psychopaths is to just leave them alone. I dont even speak to em unless I have no other choice. Honestly, I just don't become a part of their lives and I don't let them into mine. Problem is that over 4million psychopaths occupy the US alone! This means that EVERYONE has dealt with one at some point and probably didn't realize it. Take a second look at that wayward family member that lies about EVERYTHING. The manipulative coworker you cannot stand. Or even the guy you dated that seemed to be living a double life. Even that person you felt sorry for because it seemed like every week something bad happened to them. That person who's eyes gave you creeps for a split second.

Or, maybe you're the psychopath.....

Familiar Peace

I've been back for over a week and I haven't written a blog. Not because I cannot think of things to write. Actually it's quite the contrary..... I have soooo much in my head that it's getting clogged up in the bottleneck.

My birthday has passed. I am 26 now. I feel like frowning each time I say it. Feels like I'm running behind a clock and I cannot catch up!

Sorry...I went to my truck to take a nap and ended up sleeping in there for 1.5hrs :(

But yes, my head is clogged. I started writing in my journal a few nights ago and that is helping. My trip to my 'homeland of sorts' has really changed my perspective on so many things. Life. Love. Satisfaction. Men. God. Beauty. You name it and my ideas on the topic have changed.

Old people are very wise. I spent some time with an old man in Trinidad. 84 yrs old. Oxford graduate, lived all over the world, fought in wars......but returned 'home'. That man schooled me on the world in 45minutes. I was like a child listening to a bedtime story. He taught me about the sentiments of love. The limits to the human mind. And the importance of knowing your heritage. You name it and we covered it. I felt that he must have known I was coming and planned his lesson accordingly.

He told his great-granddaughter (my first cousin) 'It is by accident you are born in America, inside you are a Trinidadian'. Fair enough right? So inside I'm a Tobagonian and a St. Lucian.

There must be truth to this. I feel like a biracial child. In America I don't completely fit in. At home my family is living a culturally different life. I commend my grandparents for maintaining the integrity of the culture even though they moved here. When I'm in Tobago I speak 'funny' as they say. I understand everything and feel rejuvenated by the air but I'm still different. I was raised in a foreign land. No matter where I go I'm never 100%.

I'm visiting St. Lucia next. It's been 15yrs since I've been there. I cannot imagine what it will be like to return and see my family. People with the last name Dujon! It won't sound weird. Everyone knows how to pronounce it. But, ofcourse, I am not 100% I don't speak the native language.

After listening to this old wise man I left his home feeling like my chest would burst. I felt such a sense of identity and pride. I could see a purpose to my life. He knew of my ancestory as well. The Dujons and the Bairds. I just thought WOW. That same blood runs in me? Then what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get my purpose together? It was because I didn't know where I came from so I couldnt carve out a plan of where I am going.

My personality isn't weird. It's a heritage. My mindset isn't ignorant, it's just not American. And it shouldn't be, because I'm not.

I feel better. I've always known that here wasn't home, but now I know what home feels like.

Familiar Peace. Surrounded by......Water.

I'm back!!!/Rat Race

I'm back!!!!

I had a WONDERFUL time. Indescribable.

Tobago was ofcourse better than Trinidad. I saw my family I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 long years!!! I can't understand why I was away for so long. Seeing Tobago as an adult was so different from what I remember as a child.

I learned alot about alot. The lessons learned on my trip will be the topics of my blogs for quite some time.

I am at work right now and I am quite exhausted. I went out with my cousins Saturday night and went directly to the airport. I arrived in New York around 6pm. Then visited some family and drove to Maryland. I was at my front door at 3am. (I'm always doing the most....) Made it to work for 9am this morning.

As I sit here I just want to leave....book a flight and heads off. I don't know what is so great about this country. I don't see the point in any of it. Why the 9-5. Why the bills. Why the cubicle. Why the stress. Why the rat race?! It's sad because we don't even realize how much of life we aren't living. I'm not saying ditch everything and move but at least recognize how large the world is and how diverse we are.

I am seriously considering attending graduate school out of the country. My little cousin and my aunt are moving to Belgium next month. Extended family is sending their kids to finishing school in Nigeria. I am all for this. Get out there. See what the world really is. It is NOT the US.

I had the luxury of not traveling as a tourist because of my family. Someone once told me that all the islands they'd been to looked the same. Snorkeling, snuba, jet ski.....bla bla bla. lol. what a shame to miss out on the rich history of these countries because instead of learning people just look for the shore.

Next stop for me is St. Lucia. I'm waiting for my cousin or dad to come with me because I HATE language barriers. I imagine that my experience there will match my time in Tobago.

But really, beware of this life we've become accustomed to. The rat race will kill you slowly. Live life.

Finally got to the water :)

Bye!!!! I'm on vacation :)

Yes peoples. The ever stressed, ever busy, ever tired Nichova is on vacation!!!

My flight leaves July 4th around noon and I return on the 13th but I'll be in New York.

I'll have stories to share when I return.

The beautiful shores of Trinidad and Tobago await me.


Love.Peace.Happiness.Water.

Nichova

Hypocrite or Human?

Hova had an interesting morning. Tore my house up looking for my car keys. Finally after I decided to just take the bus I found them in my purse :(

I go out to my truck and yes, I left my sunroof COMPLETELY open and ofcourse it rained buckets last night so my car was damp. Most of the interior is leather so my seat was ok but I found a few puddles of water here and there. It was just annoying. (I've done this about 3-4x actually)

Today I want to discuss hypocrisy. I was watching The Mole last night and these two men were arguing. As soon as the Christian guy said something a lil ignant the other guy started calling him a hypocrite. Saying that his whole life was a contradiction. lol.

My question is why is it that Christians gotta be called a hypocrite all the time? Is it really hypocrisy or are we just humans prone to human mistakes? Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean you are perfect or can miraculously leave your past behind. EVERYBODY has their struggles and the bad habits that are hard to break. I, for example, have a TERRIBLE temper. I either have to walk away, or I'll end up punching someone or cussing them till my voice is gone. Does that mean I'm not a Christian? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It means I am a person just like I was before and I have an issue I need to work on.

When I see an alcoholic drinking a bottle of water I don't say they are not an alcoholic anymore cause they stopped drinking rum for a few days. They just had a slip up. They'll be back to their norm soon enough. They not a hypocrite are they?

And I was warned when I got baptized that my life would suddenly be under scrutiny. Isn't that just how people are? The same people with hell-a issues and nothing good to say. Happy and content as long as you doing wrong with them but as soon as you want to do better they waiting for you to mess up. Waiting to call you a hypocrite. Waiting to say 'you aint no real Christian' No encouragement. It's almost like jubilation is hidden under stoic exteriors because they think you are cracking and about to fail.

So let me put this out in the universe now and be done with it. Nichova might still cuss you if you piss her off over prolonged occasions. Nichova might also cut you completely out of her life and not think twice about you. Nichova might even let the elevator door close if she doesn't want to share. I might gossip on my job or even think some thoughts I shouldn't. Yes I will occasionally do things like this but it is NOT my way of life. I'm a person so I'll slip up. Slowly and surely these behaviors will no longer be a part of me. The process is far more involved than just accepting Jesus one day. It's work that takes time. You can't turn a moving truck on a dime.

The term hypocrite is to be reserved for people who put on a false appearance of virtue or religion. All my virtue is real as is my religion. In my religion there is an allowance for people like me who make mistakes. It says NOTHING about being perfect. I'm just living my life and when approached I don't shy from sharing my beliefs with others.

Don't like it, peace. Like it, I'm sure you love it.

Smallpox, Child Abuse, Wholesomeness

I'm irritated. Some bug bit my leg and it has left a gross bump. It's right about my ankle and it looks like I gots small pox. I take pride in my legs and this is horrifying to me.

So I went to DC for a few hours today to get my Passport renewed. It was a ZOO. I wish I had my camera so I could post the pics for all to see.

Screaming babies, body odor, ashy heels, cussin citizens...lol One guy said he was ashamed to be an American because they wouldn't issue him a passport (he forgot his birth certificate home by the way).

But I do wonder why state and federal offices have to act like they rule the world. They have NO respect for your time and don't care if they are ruining your plans. And not only that, the most ignant/unattractive people work there. It must be a requirement on the application (Ass Holes ONLY).

And it's like they happy to say 'I'm sorry ma'am but you won't be able to make your flight'. Cause they broke and can't afford to go no where but Six Flags. I felt bad for this one white lady. She was tryna get to Europe and they gave her some reason why she'd have to come back tomorrow and she FLIPPED OUT. Apparently she'd been waiting since 8:30AM (she didn't have an appt like Nichova :) The black chick behind the counter didn't so much as bat her eyes whilst this white lady was waving her arms about and yelling. lol. Sorry, you had to be there.

And then I almost snatched this Indian lady's lil son. He was screaming and she wouldn't stop him. And he wasn't a baby, he was about 2. That's old enough to get slapped in your throat. I started to time it. If they didn't call me to get my passport within 3 more minutes I was gonna have to tell the lady to 'Get a handle on your loud ass kid!' And I don't even curse no more but I think I'da done so today. I was imagining myself kicking this 2yr old in the face. He was SOOOO LOUD.

I'm not a child abuser.

And yesterday I went to my cousin's going away party. I had a good ole' time. And there was no drinking, or cussing, or sexual overtones. It was wholesome grown up fun. Felt nice. I didn't stick out like a sore thumb for once.

Random blog today....my apologies.

My sister is a turtle and I'm sooo proud!!!

OH MAN!!! I THINK I MIGHT CRY. My sister got into the school of her choice today.

Praise God!!!

I have watched her anxiety grow since she sent in that application. I was so worried for her that I started to prep her just in case she didn't get in. I was asking her about her alternative plans to reassure her that there would be success regardless.

But God is good and she is faithful.

I am very proud of my sister. The two of us are pretty much doing it all on our own and it's not easy. She's got a full time job and she's been a full time student. She had to become responsible for herself sooner than she should have but she didn't crumble under that pressure.

In this instance I feel like I can completely worry about myself now. I've been concerned about her being self sufficient and I didn't want to leave and go to grad school or something without her situation being secure. I know this burden was hers but I feel a weight off of me. So I guess I'm up to bat.

The world is wide open. The opportunities are endless and dreams are attainable. You just have to work hard even when no end is in site.

She's now a turtle. Does that trump a retriever?

Nichova Warrior Princess

Back to me being/feeling a lil older.

I went out with two of my buddies after work and realized something.....I am too old for drama as well. I've been single and dateless for a year and it has been the most peaceful year of my entire life! I haven't had the boyfriend/girlfriend drama that I'd become accustomed too. Relationship issues are just not cool and I am too old for it.

Nichova is a straight up chick these day. If I like someone I'll just tell them and see how they feel. I dont like rejection but I loathe the head games even more. Who has time for alla that?! We grown as hell!

Don't drop no hints and expect me to pick em up. I'ma notice and peace out. I get annoyed easily with the nonsense. I just feel like at this stage of my life I have been through or seen all there is to see about relationships. Its TOO MUCH. I have promised myself that no matter how nice the guy is and perfect he may seem, if he cannot be straight up and real with me then he needs to LEAVE ME ALONE. I'll just end up snatching his masculinity eventually if he keeps hanging around me.

I'm not Xena/Nichova Warrior Princess or nothing but I do think I am very smart and a strong personality. Not strong as in loud and pushy but strong as in secure and confident. I'm actually pretty quiet and chill and 'to myself' most of the time. It works to my advantage because I like to giggle to myself when people think they are outsmarting me. Men especially. Gotta just leave em alone and let them feel smart sometimes.

I just don't know how this is going to work out. People keeping asking me what I'm going to do once I put myself back on the market. I am very interested to see the type of man that is able to stick it out with me. I already know the type. It'll be the guy that pisses me off cause he calls me out on my *ish and I can't say anything back. I need to be put in my place and I know it. It's the one that says 'come here for a second' (with the head tilt thingy) and I take him seriously and actually go instead of rolling my neck and going the opposite way. Or how about a man that winks at me and I gotta bite my lip to keep myself together. THAT is what Nichova needs but of course is harder to find than the fountain of youth. REAL men.


Oh yes and I want someone spiritual like me. I'm not a big bible thumper. I'm more of a spiritual person. That's what I want to see. When I call he tells me hold on I was praying lemme call you back. Or he was READING A BOOK! WHAT?! Books are so sexy.

So in closing....
1. Nichova is too old for the drama
2. Nichova needs a strong man that can put her in her place
3. Nichova wants a spiritual book reading man
4. Nichova is inlove with Maxwell. I have watched the youtube of that man about 100X. (This wasn't in the blog but I thought I'd share)


Good Day!

The Unbreakable Bond

On my way to work I was listening to 96.3FM and Robin Thicke was on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. I think that man is so sexy btw. If I ever do date a white guy he's gotta be something like that. But he gave his opinion on the Strawberry Letter and I just thought he was profound. Basically he said 'If what you have today is better than what you didn't have yesterday, work on keeping it'. That helps me when I think about forgiving people and moving on. Yes the past is hurtful but if what you have in the present makes you happy you need to just work on moving on.

I think about my exes from time to time and now I can laugh (most of the time). I was PISSED with all of em at some point. When Nichova goes off it's really an ugly scene. I'm not proud to say that my last two relationships required police involvement to end them. All that 'extraness' is not me but I didn't have a choice. Looking back those relationships probably saved my life. The first was bad but I didn't listen so I had to go through the second to really stop my ridiculousness and get back on track. Now I look back at those two and thank them for the roll they've played in my life.

Every single guy I've dated, I've only had 4 real boyfriends in my entire life, has left an imprint on me. I've learned something. Either he turned out to be such a jerk that I know what NOT to look for or I've extracted the good qualities to know what to look for. Every one of them had something good or I wouldn't have been attracted to them. Usually it was humor and good looks.

One has left an undeniable impression on me. To this very day I can't explain why or even how. I think it's a spiritual thing. It's the WORST when you allow your spirit to get all entangled in another person's. When the relationship ends there is simply nothing you can do to break that bond. I am bonded to him for LIFE no matter what I do. I have finally realized this so I'm not fighting it any more. This can only happen to you once in life. Because of this bond I don't think I'll ever be able to repeat that with another person. There will always be 'something' that I haven't given because it lives with another. (I'm going to delete this blog before I find the man I'ma marry lol)

Today's blog is done. I wrote the pieces at different times of day so please overlook the disjointed feeling.

BTW. MAXWELL BABY I LOVE YOU!!!!

I hope everyone saw him on the BET Awards last night. If not http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1LjrMYeuJI
feast upon him in awe.

I'm a tiny fan of his.